Breaking Bella
by lo scrittore
Summary: Edward and Bella's marriage is in tatters with no possible reparation in sight. When an accident threatens to take her away from him not just emotionally, but physically, he vows to do everything he can to make her fall in love with him again.
1. Say the Last Goodbye

**BREAKING BELLA**

**DISCLAIMER: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer. Any copyright infringement is not intended.**

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: I highly suggest listening to **_**Anthem of the Angels **_**before or while reading this story.. it plays a lot into what the plot and aids in setting the tone. Plus, I just like Breaking Benjamin and would recommend their whole album anyway. Enjoy! **

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**CHAPTER ONE - SAY THE LAST GOODBYE**

There is nothing left of you,  
I can see it in your eyes,  
Sing the anthem of the angels,  
And say the last good-bye.  
I keep holding on to you,  
But I can't bring you back to life.  
Sing the anthem of the angels,  
And say the last good-bye.

-_ Anthem of the Angels, _Breaking Benjamin

**EPOV**

The woman next to me was not the one I had pictured the rest of my life with. In fact, the woman next to me was not the one I had pictured the rest of my _night_ with. It was supposed to be short and sweet, a quick fuck to distract me from what I had waiting at home. When we were finished I was supposed hail a cab and head back to my apartment. But there I lay at 2:30, listening to her heavy breathing as she shifted and pulled the hotel sheets tighter across her breasts. Her heavy scent saturated the air around me, causing my head to swim in a gardenia-filled haze. The alcohol had worn off, and I was starting to feel the effects of a nasty hangover. The backs of my eyelids burned, and every time I closed them, they scorched a painful path across my dry eyes that made me wince. Sighing, I ran a hand through my hair.

I gently pulled myself out of bed so as not to wake her. Digging around on the floor, I found my boxers and quickly pulled them on. I picked up my iPhone from the night table and slid my finger across the screen. I wasn't sure what I was expecting to find when the phone came to life, but I was neither surprised nor disappointed when it showed I had no missed calls or texts. Bella wasn't wondering where I was.

She had stopped doing that a few months ago.

Silently, I went through the quick task of pulling my clothes on. My shirt was wrinkled from lying on the floor, but, as with everything, I had an excuse ready. Tucking it into my black slacks, I twisted through the buttons and shrugged into my jacket. I slipped my things into my pocket and set my glasses on my nose. I ran my fingers through my hair, knowing it would do nothing to calm the mess but not really caring. I found that I didn't really care that much about anything anymore.

As I thumbed through my wallet, I looked over my shoulder at the woman- girl- asleep in the bed. She had been so innocent, so shy, so pure. She'd slipped under the sheets the moment we got there, and insisted I fuck her in the missionary fashion, underneath the covers. She had barely made any noise, and when it was over did nothing but kiss me on the cheek, roll over and fall into a deep slumber. It was almost charming, but I found that it wasn't enough to satisfy me. I was restless and dissatisfied.

I wanted to sleep in my own bed.

I didn't want her to feel like a whore, so I scribbled a quick note on the hotel stationary telling her to buy herself breakfast and a cab home with the sixty dollars I left her on the dresser. Making my way to her side of the bed, I crouched down and lightly brushed her brown hair away from her face. For a moment, I almost wished that when I pushed the hair back, I would see cream skin with a hint of sleepy blush, long eyelashes and the delicate cheekbones of the woman I knew was sleeping in my bed back at my apartment. But I was in a hotel room, and when I pushed the hair back, I found plump, round cheeks and a delicate dusting of freckles. Sighing, I leaned forward and placed a light kiss on her forehead. I didn't want to leave her this way. It almost didn't seem right. But I had to leave.

I paid the bill for the room, much to my mortification and the night clerk's amusement, and was seated in a cab not ten minutes later. The streets of the city were not deserted, as they would be in any other area. This was New York, and seemingly, no one ever slept. The traffic was almost as bad as it was during the day, and I wasn't surprised that we were held up not five minutes after leaving the hotel. I just sat numbly in the seat, staring blindly into the bright lights of Madison Square Garden.

It was going to take a good hour to get home. If we didn't hit any lights.

It was approaching December and there was snow already on the ground. As we drove past the roadside shops and stores, I tried to ignore the Christmas decorations in the windows. I still hadn't bought Bella her Christmas present; I wasn't even sure what she would like. I knew she wouldn't be satisfied with diamonds or a closet full of outfits from Nordstrom, but we had grown so far apart that I didn't know what would make her happy anymore. I had bought her a new violin last year, and I knew for a fact that it still sat in it's platinum and freshly-cured black leather case on the top shelf of our closet, hidden behind boxes of high school mementos. I'd bought her a necklace the year before that and had yet to see her wear it.

I wasn't even sure if we were going to put up decorations this year.

The cab ride was shorter than I expected, and I tipped the driver generously when we pulled up the the ritzy entrance of my apartment complex. I felt like a prick but I barely acknowledged the doorman as he held open the gold and glass doors, and I breezed past the woman seated at the reception desk. The bellhop knew which floor I lived on, and was quite used to my showing up so late. He barely spoke a word to me. His name was Ben something or other, and I had a creeping suspicion he knew what I was doing out so late but luckily, he chose not to say anything to me. When the elevator cruised to a halt at the thirty-fourth floor, I shoved a twenty into his hand and slouched from the elevator. The doors slid closed and I was alone.

I could hear the wailing all the way from the gold elevator doors. Bella was awake and playing her violin. She had set up her studio in the back of the apartment, but I could still hear the music she played from outside in the hall. I paused for a moment, leaning one foot against the wall and resting my back and head against it. In these moments, when she played without an audience, I could witness the real Bella, the Bella I had fallen in love with in high school and moved to New York with to start my career.

The woman I had married.

The music was achingly sad, the minor notes floating through the walls and piercing through my heart. She wasn't playing something for a recital or performance; she practiced those so many times I had them all memorized. She was playing something she had written, compositions that she never let me hear anymore. And it was full of so much heartbreak and pain that I wanted to sink to my knees and weep. She had somehow been able to transpose my own feelings into music, and it cut me so deep that I felt my soul would bleed out right there onto the carpet. When I closed my eyes, they didn't just sting from the after effects of alcohol.

They stung from unshed tears.

As her piece drifted to a close, I knew I couldn't stand in the hall any longer. I fumbled in my pockets for my keys and slid it into the lock, quietly opening the door. The lights in the foyer were dimmed, the light soft and somber. I dropped the keys into a bowl on the table by the door and the jarring _clink_ echoed across the marble floor. All at once, the strains stopped and I steeled myself for confrontation.

Only it didn't come. I heard the door at the back of the apartment open and close softly, and then another door opened and closed as well. The sound of rain came from the bathroom and I knew that she had gotten into the shower. I ran my fingers through my hair as I made my way through to the bedroom. I began undressing as I went, knowing that as soon as I touched the bed I would fall asleep. And waking up in an Oxford shirt and slacks was uncomfortable as hell. I quietly pushed the door open and dropped my clothes onto the floor, not caring about putting in the basket for the laundry service. The maid could do that in the morning. I quickly slipped on a pair of cotton pajama pants and pulled the covers back, sliding between the satin sheets and waiting for sleep to come.

I don't know how much time passed, but Bella eventually got out of the shower. But instead of coming into the bedroom, she went back to the studio. She must have figured I was asleep, because I didn't hear the final click of the door being closed. I listened as she moved about, adjusting her chair and plucking softly at the strings of her violin. She flipped through papers, dropped her pencil. Finally, she picked up the violin again and began to play another song that was equally as sad and melancholy as the first. I pressed my palms into my eyes, knowing I would have to talk to her eventually.

I silently slid from a bed for the second time that night and made my way across the carpeted floor. Quietly, I made my way across the hall and stepped through the door. She was seated peacefully on a crafted wooden chair that her friend Jacob's father had given us as a wedding present; _her_, rather. He hadn't been too fond of me. The wall of the room had been built in a way that I could hide behind it, unseen by her, and watch her for as long as I wanted to. And for an instant, that's what I chose to do. In that moment, it was crystal clear to me why I had fallen in love with her all those years ago. She was beautiful. Her hair was pulled into a delicate chignon at the back of her neck, but several mahogany strands had escaped and were lying wispily around her face. The lights were dimmed, casting a golden glow throughout the room which caused her long lashes to cast shadows on her pink cheeks. She was dressed plainly in a white wife-beater tank top and black yoga pants, but that didn't bother me as much as it normally would have.

She was sitting ramrod straight, the violin crooked between her shoulder and chin. As the music picked up in emotion, she began to sway back and forth, her arm movements more sweeping and dramatic. I felt my eyes drift closed, momentarily transported to another time when we had been able to walk through the hallways of our high school, hands all over each other, without a care in the world. I remembered the first time I'd seen her, the first time I'd spoken to her. The first time I held her, the first time I kissed her, the first time she told me she loved me. I was caught up in the moment, reliving the glory of our young life as a couple, and didn't realize I'd whimpered in sorrow at the loss of it until her music ubruptly cut off.

"Edward?"

My eyes snapped open. I was at a loss of what to say. I stepped from behind the wall.

"What are you doing here?"

I raked a hand through my hair. "I live here, sweetheart."

Even from where I stood, I saw her chocolate eyes frost over as she closed herself off from me. She began to pack up her violin.

"No you don't, Edward. This is a rest stop for you, a place you come to sleep and eat if you don't have prior engagements." She looked pointedly at me. "And even sleeping and eating seem to be happening elsewhere."

It was the same argument every time... she always complained about how I never spent any time with her.

"Well I'm sorry, things have just been a bit busy. It gets really chaotic at the office around-"

"Don't you dare say 'around this time of year," her tone was absolutely lethal. "You haven't spent more than three hours in this house since July."

"Well, shit, Bella. I didn't know all of my actions were being monitored. I'll remember that I need to spend more time here next time I have back-to-back meetings and conference calls with Tokyo on top of million dollar mergers and acquisitions."

She stood from her chair, the top of her head barely coming up to my shoulder. Her voice was rising quickly in volume. "Well maybe I'll remember that next time your mother calls, asking how things are going and wondering why we haven't been to visit her in almost a year. I will be sure to tell her all about your mergers and acquisitions."

_Here we go again. _I was beginning to lose patience with her. "Look Bella, if you want to visit my mother so fucking badly, I will buy you a plane ticket right now and have you on your way by this time tomorrow."

"That's not the point!"

She shoved past me and began making her way to the kitchen. I followed her, knowing that it would only make things worse if I just ducked into the bedroom and collapsed on the bed. At the moment, I was severely regretting not just staying there and waiting for sleep to come. It would have arrived at some point.

"Please then, Isabella, tell me what the point is. Because I'm quickly losing patience with you and-"

"Go to hell!"

I tried to keep my eyes away from the perfection of her ass as she bent over in the refrigerator, pulling out lettuce and tomato and turkey. She slapped them down on the island, grabbed the jar of mayonnaise and began assembling a sandwich. She would have seemed completely normal, only I noticed her hands were shaking and she could barely hold the knife steady.

"Here, let me do it," I said, reaching for her. "You're going to stab someone."

She aimed the knife at me. "It will be you if you take one step closer."

I sighed, rubbing at my eyes. I was quickly growing tired. "What do you want me to do, Bella? I have to work, and as much as that upsets you, I can't help it. We aren't in high school anymore. We can't just drive to your house or crash in my bed. You want a nice apartment to live in, you need good food to eat," I glanced at her, noting how emaciated she looked, "and you need someone to pay for all the fancy recital shit. I can't give you that unless I work. And unfortunately, it takes up a lot of my time. I'm sorry that upsets you, but it's not something I can just stop with the snap of my fingers."

She had finished her sandwich and just stood, looking at me. Her eyes were dead, her shoulders slumped. "I don't need any of that," she said softly. "I never have. I just need you to love me."

And with that she was gone. She moved past me swiftly, wiping at her eyes as she went, and disappeared into the darkened area of the house. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. It hadn't been nearly as bad as I had expected, but that made me feel like even more of an asshole. For one, she had grown accustomed to me coming home late, and didn't even put up much of a fight anymore. And for another, I didn't even feel moved to see her cry.

I had grown just as accustomed to it as she had.

As I turned to the fridge to get a bottle of water, I looked out into the living room. It was the least used room in the entire apartment, and was really only utilized when my sister or Bella's father came to visit. It sat, untouched, in all it's pristine glory, just begging for someone to come in and sit on the plush white couches or turn on the 52" plasma TV or read the classic novels on the shelves. But the superficiality and materialistic things weren't what caught my eye.

In the corner of the room sat a Christmas tree, minimalistically decorated, lit by the glow of a tiny silver star. I walked forward and ran my fingers over one of the branches, unable to stop the childlike thrill that raced through my veins at the discovery that it was real, in fact, a real Christmas tree. I fingered a few of the ornaments, admiring Bella's taste. They were simple but carried so much meaning behind them. A tiny ceramic violin. Silver wedding bells with our anniversary engraved on them. A smaller replica of the space needle that I had bought her on our first date to Seattle. A few ornaments from our parents. As I looked down the tree, a small silver item caught my eye. I bent down to look at it.

There was a present underneath the tree. A present to me from Bella.

I sat on the couch, my head resting in my hands, my elbows on my knees. I was determined not to cry, but I could feel a slight stinging at the back of my eyes. I could not fathom how things had gone so wrong. How two people that had been so desperately in love could go so, so wrong. Bella and I could barely speak to each other, and even when we did we fought about something so trivial, by the end of the argument we didn't even know what it was we were fighting about. I didn't even remember the last time we'd gone out; sure, she walked around on my arm at office parties and I on hers at performance ceremonies, but we hadn't gone out to a nice, secluded dinner in over two years. Not to even mention sex. I hadn't made love to my wife like a husband should since she and I had started sleeping in seperate rooms. Sometimes I fucked her, but that was out of pure sexual frustration, or any other kind of frustration for that matter. She never seemed to enjoy it and slithered out of bed- or off a table or a wall or the couch- almost before it was even over. I could not remember actually _loving _her physically since after our honeymoon. And that was over three years ago.

My marriage to the girl I loved was in tatters, and I chose to escape it at work or in the arms of another woman. She chose to escape it through music and performing in front of thousands of people. We were literally two people living under one roof almost as roommates. The thought bothered me, but I couldn't bring myself to contemplate on anything anymore. I was too tired. Deciding against the trek back to the bedroom, I leaned back against the couch and closed my eyes. Within moments I was peacefully and deeply asleep.

**-{***}-**

I awoke to the smell of bacon and eggs. Running a hand over my face, I stood from the couch, cringing at the kink in my neck. _Just one of the many pains of this marriage_, I thought to myself ruefully. I slowly made my way into the kitchen to find Bella sitting at the bar, a bowl of granola in front of her, the newspaper spread out over the table. She was already semi-dressed and ready for work; she worked as a part-time waitress at a small cafe down the street. I told her I made more than enough income for the both of us and she didn't have to work, but she insisted that she needed to make herself good for something and went against my wishes of quitting.

She looked calm and relaxed as she scribbled through a cryptogram, one of her many activities. She was wearing a pair of light jeans and a black t-shirt, her bare feet wrapped around the legs of the bar stool. She massaged her neck with a delicate hand, and I was moderately surprised to see that it was the same spot my neck was kinked. I winced.

"Good morning," I said politely.

"There's food in the warming drawer."

I reached into the oven and pulled out a plate she had made for me. "It looks good, baby."

She didn't respond, silently continuing with her puzzle.

I sat down next to her, silently picking at my food. "The Christmas tree... you did a good job."

She looked over at me, surprised. "You noticed?"

I chewed on a piece of bacon. _I slept in Sofa City, sweetheart. Of course I noticed. _"I did. Didn't you notice when I didn't come to bed?"

She blushed, her cheeks turning a delicious pink. "I slept in the studio."

I sighed, cursing internally. "Bella, you don't need to sleep on the floor."

"I had a blanket and pillow."

I shook my head, slamming my glass of orange juice down on the granite countertop. "This is ridiculous."

She shrugged, standing from the bar and walking to the sink to deposit it. "Don't you have to go to work now? You'll be late."

She was still upset about last night, and she wasn't going to let me forget it. Sighing, I stood. "I guess I'll go get ready."

I showered quickly, shaved, and was in the bedroom buckling my watch Bella came in. She noticed me standing there, without a shirt, and turned to walk away. I turned.

"Bella, wait."

She froze near the door and made no move to leave as I drew up near her. I stood closely behind her, close enough to touch but still holding back. All I wanted to do was grab her by the hips and pull her against me, but I knew that if I so much as made a move, she would bolt. I leaned down to breathe in her ear. "I'm sorry for last night."

She nodded. I placed a light kiss on the skin under her neck. Shortly after I pulled back, goosebumps erupted on her skin and I was delighted to know I could still elicit responses from her body.

"Forgive me." Kiss.

She sighed, slumping forward. "Don't do this, Edward."

"Don't do what?" Kiss.

"Try to placate me with sex."

"Baby, if I were trying to placate you," kiss and a small sweep of tongue, "you would know it."

She wriggled away. "You can't do that!" she burst out, and I was surprised to see tears in her eyes. "You can't just make up for a fight by trying to have sex with me. It should be more than that!"

_Now with the melodramatic harpy routine._

"God, I can't do this. I have to go to work."

"Yeah, do that. The answer for everything, just go to work. Best avoidance technique right there, you have it perfected!"

I had reached my boiling point. "Well what the fuck do you want from me? You want me to love you but you don't want me to have sex with you. You're like a fucking one-woman circus with so many acts I can't keep up! You complain about me not spending enough time with you, yet every chance you get you're trying to get me out of the house. Just what is it that you want?"

She opened the door. "Just leave, Edward."

"No!" I came up behind her, grasping her shoulders in iron fingers and spinning her toward me. I came severely close to shaking her. "No, you're not just going to clam up and play the meek and abused lamb here. You started this fight, now you need to finish it. What. Do. You. _Want_?"

"You!" she exploded. "I want _you_!"

I ground my mouth hard against hers, but she shoved me back angrily.

"I want you to be home at a decent hour so you can sit down and have dinner with me, not walk in at three in the morning to slip conveniently into bed. I want you to be home and decorate the apartment for Christmas with me. I want you to go for walks with me in Central Park or go with me to pick out a dress for my next recital. I want _you_, here with _me_, not rushing out at every possible moment and having nothing to do with me!"

"Oh for Christ's sake, Bella. Here we go with the same thing again. You got your wish, I'm leaving."

I grabbed a sweater from my dresser and yanked it over my head while simultaneously elbowing past her out the door. She followed me into the foyer, watching as I slipped into a trenchcoat. "You know," I said, turning to her. "For someone who is so desperate to be loved, you sure don't put out a lot."

Her jaw dropped. I had the satisfaction of seeing her face crumple before I turned and strode out the door. I heard her quick intake of breath, and luckily my back was to her and she couldn't see the grimace of pain that flittled across my face. Only until I was safely on the outside did I let my facade drop and pause to hear her reaction; had I stayed inside, I would have probably been cursed out, possibly slapped. Safely in the hallway, I leaned my ear against the door. What I heard rent my heart to pieces.

She was sobbing softly on the other side of the door.

My day at work did nothing but sour my mood further. On the phone with Germany, I slipped and called the Head of Acquisitions a "two-faced horse's penis that had his thumb up his ass."

"Look, Mr. Hahn, I'm sure that everything is in perfect order," I said in broken German as I stared out the window of my office at Central Park. "We just need to have a quick look at your books."

"If this merger was already at the point of being closed, as you have said," he responded angrily, "there would be no point!"

I sighed. "Look, I'm doing all I can to satisfy both clients here," I responded wearily. I rubbed a hand down my face. "Just send over as much as you have, we will go through it, and hopefully by this time next week-"

"Incompetent!" he roared. Personally, I had no idea why he wouldn't just send us the damn files we requested unless he had something to hide. I suspected he did.

"Mr. Hahn, is there something we should know about that would in any way compromise this merger-"

He let lose a string of swear words in rapidfire German that I couldn't begin to comprehend. Tired and a bit over the conversation, I let fly the only expletives I knew. As I finished speaking, the other end of the line became eerily quiet. It wasn't until I heard the beeping of the dial tone that I realized he had hung up on me. Needless to say, although it wasn't completely on accident, it wasn't the best thing to say for good business, and I was ripped a new asshole for it.

My day continued to worse as I was propositioned during lunch by my boss's secretary. She slipped in the overly large breakroom, pulled a yogurt from the refrigerator and plopped down next to me, rubbing her hand up my thigh and breathing sexy words in my ear. And I was fucking extremely close to receiving mind-blowing head when said boss popped his head in the door and announced to her that break was over.

Something told me she wasn't necessarily going back to work at her desk.

Sitting at my desk hours later, I looked down at the clock on my desk, a congratulatory gift from Bella when I first got the job- ironically enough- and realized that it was nearing eight thirty. I sighed, knowing there was no way I was going to make in home in time to try to have dinner with Bella, if she would even want to. Deciding it was useless to even try, I went back to typing up my e-mail to the Head of Marketing who was considering purchasing a media platform. I finished that and decided to go through and tidy up some charts, and by the time I was finished with that it was damn near eleven o'clock. I gathered my things, locked my office door and headed down to catch a taxi.

My breath surrounded me in a cloud as I stood on the icy curb, trying to catch hail a taxi. I didn't even notice the homeless man until he was nearly right on top of me.

"Excuse me, sir," he asked softly.

"Holy shit!" I jumped and nearly stepped off the curb.

The man looked nervous and slightly ashamed.

"I'm sorry to bother you, but do you have any spare change?"

I stared at him. His skin was red and there were the beginning signs of stuble growing on his face. I could see the old scars of acne and the newly forming ones from scabs that looked like they were boring holes in his face. His hair was matted and he shivered slightly as he stood, a good few inches shorter than I, rocking back and forth. He wasn't wearing much, and I knew it must have been cold for him. He looked at me expectantly.

Just then, a cab pulled up to the curb, and I stepped toward it without a word. As I opened the door and tossed my briefcase inside, I turned to him. "I'm sorry, I don't have any money on me." And with that I slid into the seat of the taxi and urged the driver to pull away as quickly as he could. He looked at me, the strangest expression in his eyes, and pulled away from the curb, and I watched the man's face fall outside the window. Reaching into my pocket, I pulled forty seven dollars out of my pocket.

When I finally entered the apartment at around eleven forty-five, I was instantly struck with how eerily quiet it was. Normally when I got home, I could hear Bella playing the violin or showering or cleaning the kitchen. I could smell something cooking or her strawberry perfume. I could usually _sense_ her. But at the moment, I heard nothing. I smelled nothing. I sensed nothing at all.

For a few seconds, I said a silent prayer of thanks. Not seeing her meant that we wouldn't be fighting... yet. I would have a few minutes to myself, could drink some liquor and maybe read a little before she got home and we fought again. So, I did just that. I went to the bar in the den and poured myself a highball glass of scotch and settled in front of the electrical fire place. I swirled the amber liquid around, silently contemplating how I was going to approach her and apologize for that morning. I skimmed through an economics book that I had purchased a while back, and as the time passed found myself becoming more and more agitated that she wasn't coming home.

It wasn't until I made a move to put my book away when I noticed a manilla envelope lying on the glass coffee table. Intrigued, scotch and book still in hand, I walked over, set my glass down and picked the papers up. As my eyes took in the title, my heart plummeted to my feet.

**PETITION FOR DIVORCE**

**PETITIONER: Isabella Marie Swan Cullen**

**vs.**

**DEFENDANT: Edward Anthony Masen Cullen**

I barely registered what happened next. My book hit the floor and the next moment, my hand had grasped the glass of scotch and hurled it at the wall with speed quite similar to that of the baseballs I used to throw back in high school. The glass shattered against the wall with a resounding smash and rained onto the floor. The amber liquid smeared, running down in small rivers. That was the only thing that was in motion in the room. I stood completely still, barely breathing. Time itself seemed to stop.

The shattered glass barely mattered to me, because it was nothing compared to my shattered heart.

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**AUTHOR'S NOTE: This storyline is still emerging through the framework, so please let me know what you think. Too dramatic? Realistic? Let me know! I will post a playlist on my wall soon, so stay tuned. Please review and let me know what you think!**


	2. Standing on the Edge

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: I couldn't start this chapter without sending a huge 'thank you' to all those that reviewed. I can't tell you what your feedback means to me. I was completely overwhelmed by such a response that I sat down and started to write the next chapter at 8:30 in the morning... so who knows. Overwhelm me again and you'll get faster updates ;)**

**This chapter is in BPOV.. I know some of you requested that I keep it in EPOV, but I feel like you can't get the whole story in just one point of view. Plus, I don't want you all to see Bella as some weak, martyr-like woman. She has her fight coming, I promise. Just keep reading, and all your questions will be answered, I promise.**

**As I said before, make sure you listen to the music that accompanies each chapter. It really adds to the whole thing. Enjoy!**

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**CHAPTER TWO - STANDING ON THE EDGE**

Do you know what it feels like,  
Loving someone  
That's in a rush to throw you away?  
Do you know what it feels like,  
To be the last one  
To know the lock on the door has changed?

_-Do You Know _- Enrique Iglesias

**BPOV**

I hated New York City.

Every morning I left the four-thousand-a-month, ridiculous apartment that Edward insisted on keeping me locked up in to walk to work, surrounded by people just like him. People that I hated. People who kept their lives stored in a briefcase and wandered amongst humanity screaming into the Blackberries they had glued to their ears. People that were in a rush to get the the glossy offices they worked in, just so they could sit couped up in a tiny room thousands of feet above normal human beings and watch life go by them right outside their floor-to-ceiling windows.

New York City was not my home and it never would be, as much as my husband hoped. My home was not where I was surrounded day by day by the people I detested. My home was back in Washington, where I was constantly surrounded instead by lush green nothingness and the select few people I allowed to be in my life. I was a private person, not attracted to the hustle and bustle of a big city that was built upon the ideals that my husband had seemed to embrace in the last few years.

The fact that he insisted I live in it made me sick.

Edward and I had met in high school after I moved to stay with my father following the death of my mother. At first, I hadn't liked him at all- he was far too immersed in his schoolwork, and even when he wasn't he was preoccupied with baseball and his car. Of course, those were all just indications of how he would be when he was faced with rewards much bigger than an A on a term paper and high school popularity, but I didn't know that then. Had I, things may have been different now.

Needless to say, somewhere between writing papers and batting practice Edward developed an interest in me. And, when I saw that there was an actual person beneath the robot-like persona he portrayed, I fell in love with him too. Suddenly he wasn't only focused on getting an A, he was focused on me too. He took me out to dinner, to movies, to all the typical high school dances. He would take me on some of the most romantic dates I could imagine, and the next day be content to sit with me in the library and work on a Biology project.

I couldn't breathe if he wasn't in the room. He brought me peace with just a gentle touch of his hand. My whole world revolved around him. And then it tipped off its axis when he told me he felt the same way. He took me to La Push beach, and while we walked barefoot in the sand, he pointed out trees and shells and creatures I had never even heard of. He gave me scientific names while I had just summed them all up with _tree_ and _crab._ When I noted how stupid I must seem to him, he tilted my head up with a finger and gently kissed my nose, saying to me, "Not even close, pretty girl. I've just spend all my time memorizing trivial information out of lack for something else to do because I've been waiting my whole life for you."

He would drive me all the way to Seattle and take me on the ferry, just because he knew I liked them. At concerts for the school orchestra, he sat in the front row, tossing a single red rose onto the stage after every song until he presented me with a whole bouquet at the end of the show. When he was on the pitchers mound, and all the little cleat-chasing groupies were swooning over him, he would place his hand to his heart and then blow me a kiss. Of course, that did nothing for me as I had to endure the remaining nine innings with the wrath of the distressed freshmen, but I cared for nothing less. Edward Cullen loved me, and I loved him back. That was the only thing that mattered to me in my entire universe.

We went to UW, still very much entranced by one another. During Christmas break our sophomore year, he drove me back to Forks and took me to my favorite restaurant. Over a dinner of mushroom ravioli, Caesar salad and bread sticks- the same thing we had eaten on our first date- he nervously took my hand and placed a black velvet box in it. "Isabella Swan," he said, his voice shaking for the first time I'd ever heard it. "I loved you from the first minute I saw you, and since then have only fallen more and more in love with you." He grinned sheepishly. "I suspect I will love you for the rest of my life. I promise to do nothing but make you happy and continue to love you forever. Please, do me the honor of becoming my wife."

We were married in August, right before the beginning of our Junior year, at twilight in a small church in Forks. My high school friend Angela's father was the priest that married us. My best friend Alice, Edward's sister, planned the reception that seemed to be straight out of a fairy tale. The honeymoon was full of love and bliss I had never known before. We went to London and when we weren't sight-seeing or eating in the quaint cafes along the Thames, we were in our hotel room making love in ways that left me speechless and without breath.

Of course, all good things come to an end.

We graduated UW and, seemingly right afterward, Edward moved us to New York where he said he had found a job. We moved right into our current apartment and almost as soon as I was settled in, Edward went to work. At first, I thought the late hours were just Edward settling in to a demanding job. Surely as soon as he got the hang of things he would come home to me and we would live like a normal married couple. However, six years after marriage, there were only a handful of times he came home and sat down to dinner with me. Three times for our anniversary, three times for my birthday and once for his. We went out for dinner, once, but even then I had to meet him at the restaurant and he showed up an hour late.

That night had ended in a fight.

When he found out I had applied at several local publishing houses for a job, he flew off the handle. He said he didn't work as hard as he did for fun, and there was no reason that I had to work. When I countered asking what it was he wanted me to do, he shocked me by informing me that my cooking could use a boost and that maybe I should think about taking a class in culinary arts.

There was nothing wrong with my cooking. I knew that and so did he.

That night ended in a fight too.

Pretty soon, I grew tired of waiting around for him in the apartment all day. I walked around until I came to a small diner where I could work part-time as a waitress. When I took the job, I took extra care in making sure he wouldn't find out. He wouldn't be caught dead eating in such a place, and the clientele it served were not likely to have had any contact with him ever. It was the perfect solution.

That took up about half of my day, and so, to use up the other half, I began to play the violin again. I had nearly perfected it in high school, but once I had married Edward I put it away so that I could spend more time with him. Now that he spent all of his time at work, I was allowed to spend all of my time doing other things as well. I joined an orchestra that performed once a month. For some reason or another, the maestro took a particular liking to me, and nearly every performance I had a number of solos. Edward only ever showed up to these performances after I had already played so that no one had an opportunity to hit on me at the reception. The red roses thrown onto the stage were never from him. He was never seated in the front row.

I don't know when I realized he was cheating. I can't say it was one incident when I walked in on him or saw his picture with another woman in the papers. The idea just kind of built up within me and pretty soon, my gut just knew that was what he was doing until three o'clock in the morning. It hurt in the beginning, but I couldn't do anything about it. I was in a strange city and, despite all the heartbreak I endured with him, I just couldn't leave. Besides, even if I tried to, I knew he would put up a fight. He would convince me to stay, one way or another, and in the end, I would. Because, no matter how much we fought and how horribly we treated each other, he was still my husband, and I was still a love-struck teenager at heart. There was always some part of me wanting and hoping that he would come home one day and try to make everything alright again.

That morning though, I had made my decision.

I had had the divorce papers for a while, I just wasn't sure whether I wanted to go through with it or not. This morning though, I had pulled them out from the box on the shelf of my closet, the box that hid the heinous violin Edward had bought me last year, and laid them on the table in the den and signed them. I had meant to put them away and confront him about it later, but I had lost track of time in the midst of my crying and wallowing in self pity, and when I realized that I was going to be late for work, accidentally left them on the table.

It didn't matter though. Edward wouldn't be home til the early hours of the morning and I would have time to put them away after my shift. As I walked along the crowded sidewalk, I decided to put the whole sordid ordeal out of my mind until after work, when I was alone again in that jail cell of a home.

The diner was already packed by the time the bell tingled when I walked in the front door. Victoria, one of my coworkers, raised an eyebrow at me from behind the register as I made my way back toward the kitchen.

"James is _pissed_," she whispered. I only nodded.

I threw on an apron and hurriedly made my way back out to the dining room. I pulled out my pad and made my way from booth to booth, taking down orders and listening to drink demands. I made quick work of settling down the angry customers that complained about the lazy service and eventually there was order again. The breakfast rush ebbed out by around ten, and I was able to talk to Victoria a bit in between delivering food.

"How mad is he?"

She shrugged. "He was pissed when he realized you weren't here, but I think it's been so busy I don't think he's really had time to think about it."

I sighed. "I've had a shitty morning."

She nodded in sympathy. "You're telling me," she agreed, handing a customer their change. "My dog pissed on my new carpet and my roommate ruined one of my dresses on her date last night."

_Yeah, well my husband called me a frigid whore and I'm ending my marriage._

I walked away after that, checking on a few of the regulars, filling coffee cups and replacing dishes of butter and jelly. The bell at the front rang as a group of girls walked in, and for a moment, I grew extremely envious. The girl in the middle looked like me; long brown hair, heart-shaped face, pale. Only she had freckles. She was surrounded by a group of girls, her friends presumably, that were chatting animatedly about something. Congratulating her. She looked up at me, smiled, and then they took a seat in a booth near the counter.

"Hi, can I get you anything to drink?"

They rattled off a list of drinks and I left them to look through the menu as I went to the back to fill their orders. I watched them from behind the counter, reminiscing on times when I went out for breakfast with my friends. At one point, I had been able to laugh that way, carefree and light. I had looked like that girl once, too. She just couldn't get the grin to fade from her eyes and seemed to be radiating happiness from somewhere within her.

As I made my way back to their table, I realized what their topic of conversation was.

"He was just so... amazing. He wasn't like all the other guys there. He was so beautiful and when he came over to talk to me, I literally swooned on the spot. I mean, he had this _hair_... it was coppery but still really dark and looked like he had just gotten out of bed or something. It was gorgeous."

"How did he get you to leave with him?" one of her friends asked.

The girl giggled. "Well it wouldn't have been that hard. He had me at 'hello.'"

_Slut._

"Well then... what happened after you left together?"

I placed their drinks on the table. "Are you ready to order?"

"Can I just have the granola and a half a grapefruit?"

Internally, I rolled my eyes but calmly wrote down what they ordered. They may as well have stayed home, because they ordered everything they could have gotten from their refrigerators. Fruit and granola and yogurt and biscuits. As I walked away, they picked up with their conversation.

"He took me to this really nice hotel..."

I tried not to pay them any attention, but what she had said about copper hair bugged me. Every time I passed by their table, the hair on the back of my neck stood on end and I found I checked on their table and the tables around them much more frequently than I needed to. But eventually, I heard the part that I needed.

"He was just so... ugh, I can't even describe it. He was so _good._ He didn't make me try anything I didn't want to and was so gentle and..."

"What was his name?"

She paused as if in thought. "Edward? I think?"

My heart froze and my blood ran cold. I had never been able to put a face to a girl that had been with him before. But she confirmed my suspicions of over two years, and that confirmation nearly broke me in two. The only thing that kept me from falling to the floor was the bell that rang from the kitchen, signaling an order was ready for pick-up. I made my way numbly toward the back and my hands shook as I picked up the tray of food. I delivered it to the table, trying as hard as I could to keep my face calm and passive.

Really all I wanted to do was cry.

As I was walking back toward the kitchen to pick up another order, a popular song came onto the speakers, and since it was quiet enough, I was able to hear the lyrics. They made me cringe.

_Maybe if I knew all the things it took to save us,  
__I could fix the pain that bleeds inside of me.  
__Look in your eyes 'til I see something about me,  
__I'm standing on the edge and I don't know what else to give._

I sighed and shifted on my feet. The weight my position, and seeing a woman my husband had slept with, and of the choice I had made that morning settled on my shoulders and it put an immense pressure on my heart. I felt tears welling up in my eyes, and quickly placed the food down on the counter and hastily made my way to the exit behind the kitchen. It led to an alley, and again, the thought of being alone in silence was more welcoming than being surrounded by the demanding people in the diner.

Standing outside, I wrapped my arms around myself and finally gave in to what I had been fighting all morning. I leaned against the brick wall and let out the sob that had built up in my throat. The hot tears seeped from my eyes and ran down my face, burning my cheeks as they went. My shoulders heaved as my lungs struggled to find breath; I was crying so hard I couldn't breathe. I sank to the ground, burying my face in my knees and wrapping my arms around them.

Suddenly, I felt a comforting hand on my shoulder and, surprised, I threw my head up, cracking it against the wall behind me. This made me sob harder.

James sat next to me on the ground, clutching a cigarette between his lips as he tried to light it one-handed while he continued to rub my back. He had shed his chef's apron, and sitting next to me in his Pink Floyd t-shirt and jeans, he seemed just like a regular guy. "Talk to me."

"I... I..."

"Sssh," he said. "Just go slow. Breathe."

And so I did. I told him all about the last three years in a torrent of words and tears that I'm sure were incoherent to him. All the while he just sat there, rubbing his soft hand over my back in soothing circles and encouraging me to take my time. Finally, after I said all I could, I collapsed in a fit of hysterics, the pain in my heart releasing itself into more tears. He threw his cigarette under his shoe and stubbed it out, and then spoke.

"Bella, you listen to me right now."

I said nothing.

"I've sat here for at least five minutes, listening to you go on and on about how you're not good enough and how you can't make him happy. But from where I'm sitting, I think he's the one that's not making _you _happy. You are a hot, intelligent girl that doesn't deserve that pussy of a man at all. I don't know why you can't see that, but I think it's about time you start."

The next few seconds were a blur, but his mouth was on mine and I couldn't find the will to protest. The hand that wasn't on my back reached around and cupped my chin, angling it up so his tongue could stab into my mouth. And then I was being lifted up, my legs forced around his waist and my back crushed up against the brick wall. My fingers were in his hair and his hands gripped my rib cage, hard enough to convey his urgency but not enough to hurt me. He thrust his pelvis against my hips, and for a moment, I thought about saying _no_. But then Edward's words came back to me.

_You know, for someone so desperate to be loved, you sure don't put out a lot._

My soul left my body and hovered in the corner, watching in shame. I disconnected from my body. My hands reached down numbly for the buttons on his jeans and fumbled in their haste to undo them. He palmed my breasts roughly, all trace of comfort gone as he tore through my clothing. He yanked my jeans down my hips while he ran his tongue over my neck, shoved my plain cotton underwear to the side and roughly shoved two fingers into me. My back arched off the wall, for it was the first time I had received sexual gratification in nearly three months, as wrong as it was.

His fingers pumped in and out of me, his palm roughly grinding against my clit. I couldn't stop the moans that came from my lips, the moans that no one but my husband had ever heard before.

"That's right, baby, moan for me," he rasped in my ear as he began to thrust against my stomach. I couldn't help it. I began to thrust back.

I pulled his shirt from his back and dropped it to the floor, running my hands over his chest. He had a tattoo of a crudely drawn woman over his left breast, with a waist the same size as one of her thighs and nipples nearly as big as her mouth. He didn't have the same figure Edward did; while Edward maintained a modest set of abdominal muscles, James was cut in ways that seemed to only be possible if they were airbrushed on. His chest was smooth and without a trace of hair. His right nipple was pierced. As he began to suck on my neck, my fingers gripped his back, my nails raking over the skin. He hissed as they cut through his back, but that only made him suck and thrust harder.

Somehow, he managed to get his jeans down around his knees, and in one quick movement he thrust himself inside me, burying himself to the hilt. I was both surprised and hurt by his quick, deep movement, and I screamed out. Edward had always been gentle in the beginning, even if he was caught up in the moment. But this wasn't Edward. This was a different man and I couldn't expect him to be the same lover as my husband. This man was just looking for quick release, whether he cared about me or not, and I had to come to terms with that.

So, when he began to impale me with his thrusts, the only thing I could do was meet him move for move and pray that this was the roughest he was going to get.

He growled in my ear, things I had only heard on my honeymoon. "You are so sexy," he rasped. "So fucking hot. I could pound you for hours."

I whimpered.

It was both heaven and hell. As much as I was thankful that I was finally being paid attention to, this man wasn't my husband. It didn't matter that he thought I was smart and attractive. He wasn't the one I wanted that approval from. As his thrusts picked up in pace, I realized just how wrong this was. The tears began to flow again, and this time I didn't try to stop them. His thrusting was quickly approaching painful, and the cries that came from my eyes now were both a mixture of heartbreak and pain. I raised my fist to my mouth and bit down on my knuckles to quiet my sobs.

And then it was over. He came fast and hard, filling me with hot spurts that didn't belong there. He slid out of me, gently slid me to the floor and without a word pulled up his pants and put his t-shirt back on. He leaned forward, kissed me once and turned to go back into the kitchen. Over his shoulder, he called, "You can have the rest of the day off, if you want."

I felt like a whore.

I pulled my pants up with shaking hands, the reality of the situation sinking in. I had just cheated on my husband... in an alley. I had thought of cheating on him before; I knew I would enjoy the momentary feeling of revenge and that I would make myself feel better by making him feel a little of the hurt I had been feeling for years. But in the end I could never bring myself to do it. I wasn't that kind of person and never thought I would sink to the level of cheating on Edward just to get back at him.

I was still crying when I re-entered the diner. I hung my apron on the hook near the door, pocketed the meager amount of tip change from the pockets and threw my messenger bag over my shoulder. Without looking anyone in the eye, I left through the front door, ignoring Victoria who called after me.

"Bella! Where are you going?"

Hugging myself, I walked back up the street toward my apartment. Contrary to that morning, though I was surrounded by people, I felt completely alone. Luckily, if anyone noticed I was crying, they didn't say anything. I felt a vibration in my pocket and pulled my phone out. It was Alice.

Silencing the call, I picked up my pace and tried to telepathically urge the mob I was walking amongst to move faster. All I wanted to do was get home, shower and go to bed. I didn't want to be surrounded by people anymore. Who knew? The girl walking right next to me could have slept with Edward too. Was she married? Did _her _husband know what she was doing?

Finally I reached the apartment complex and, plastering a fake smile on my face, said hello to Walt the doorman.

"What's troubling you, sweetheart?" he asked as he held the door open to me.

"Oh, nothing," I lied. "Just a hard day at work."

"I know what you mean!" he called cheerfully to me as he waved to someone walking past him. They barely acknowledged him.

_I only wish you did_, I thought to myself.

Jerry the bellhop noticed there was something wrong too, but I merely gave him the same answer as I did Walt. The ride in the elevator was tense and uncomfortable as I hoped he wouldn't push me to really find out what was wrong. The numbers clicked by as we rose higher and higher, the thick air suffocating me and the corny, cliche music making me itch to get out. I could have kissed him when we finally reached my floor, but settled for subtly waving to him instead.

And then I was home.

I let myself in, not surprised by the cold, empty feeling of the apartment. I dumped my bag on the floor by the door and walked to the bathroom. Running the shower, I stripped quickly and stood under the steaming stream, not just content with the thought of scrubbing the day away.

I wanted to burn it off.

My skin quickly turned an angry red but I did not move from under the spray. I grabbed a loofah from the soap rack, squirted a generous amount of soap on it and commenced the rubbing. I rubbed my skin so hard that pretty soon it was not only burned but raw as well. For the thousandth time that day I found myself crying, but I took no notice as the tears blended in with the water. I was there scrubbing for at least an hour, and when I finally began to feel the pain and the hot water slowly began to turn cold, I sat down on the tile and continued to cry.

At some point, between my skin turning into a giant prune and the water turning icy, I decided I had to get out. I shut the water off, wrapped myself in a towel and went into the bedroom. The bed was stiffly made as it hadn't been slept in for a few nights.

_Just one more reminder of my failed marriage._

I threw on the first clothes I could find and curled up on a ball in my bed. I don't know how long I was like that, but as the sky began to darken outside my window, I heard a buzzing on the floor. Realizing it was my cell phone, I dug threw the pockets and pulled it out.

Alice again.

"Hello?"

"Bella, thank God. I was beginning to think something happened to you."

"Alice, you called once. I was at work."

She sucked in a breath. "Bella, I've called you like twelve times."

_Oops._

"Sorry, I was in the shower."

"For two hours?"

I sighed, hoping to avoid that subject. "What's up?"

"Well, my parent's were talking about you two the other day. They said they hadn't heard from you in a while."

"Yeah, we've been pretty busy."

"I could tell. Esme recorded your last performance on TV. It looked so hard, Bella. You must have practiced for hours."

_Well, when you're husband would rather sleep with random women he meets at a bar than you, there's really nothing else to do._

"Yes, it was a lot of work."

"Well you need a break. Come back to Washington for Christmas."

I sighed again. "You'll have to talk to your brother about that, Alice. He's the one that controls the schedule."

"He hasn't been answering his phone. Put him on."

I hesitated. "He's not home, Alice."

She seemed confused. "Bella, it's almost eight."

I could have ratted him out. I could have told her that he wasn't home right now because he was probably at work. I could have told her about he didn't come home _every_ night because he was too busy talking to foreigners on the phone or sleeping with women he didn't know. But I didn't.

"He said something about an important meeting tonight."

This satisfied her. "Well when he gets home, make sure you talk to him about it. I haven't seen you in a really long time and I have some important things to tell you."

"Alright Alice, I will. I'll talk to you soon."

I hung up and decided I needed to go out. I slipped on my tennis shoes and hurried down to the lobby.

As I crossed the street my mind went back to my conversation with Alice. She had said she needed to tell me something important. In Alice's mind, that meant she had designed a new line for her clothing brand. Or had run into Heidi Klum at some boutique in Milan. While it wasn't necessarily pressing information, it was important to her and for some reason, I was intrigued. Alice was my best friend and I hadn't seen her in at least two years, and so much had happened in that time. Well, at least on her end anyway. I had seen her on the covers of magazines and in the society pages of newspapers. I'd watched a few of her interviews on Oprah and the Today Show. She was the latest big thing and I was forced to watch her success through a TV screen.

I was so immersed in my thoughts that I barely registered what was going on. Someone shrieked, and a man yelled, "Stop him!"

There was a commotion to my left and by the time I looked up I was being shoved out of the way. Already being on the edge of the sidewalk, I was pushed out onto the street and then the rest was a blur.

Something far away, a taxi presumably, honked loudly. I heard a squeal, a pop, and a crunch. Then I was flying. The wind was blowing through my hair and I wanted to laugh at the funny feeling. My hair was tickling my face. And then my flight was abruptly ended as I collided with something hard. More crunching sounds. My head hit something hard and gravelly. There was something warm and wet beneath me that smelled like rust. I was drifting. Water came down over me and I sank, deeper and deeper, away from all light and sound. My vision was hazy. And then the dark descended and pressed me down deeper.

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**AUTHOR'S NOTE: Again, I hope you all like it. If there is something you'd like to see in the story, feel free to let me know. I hope this clears up a lot of questions and brings up new ones. Thank you so much for your reviews, they keep my mind churning. Next update to come soon!**


	3. Faceless Enemy

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: Again with the wonderful reviews and feedback... you all blow me away. I always get "thanks for writing," when really I should be thanking **_**you **_**for reviewing. I will continue to try to make you all happy. I have enjoyed getting all of your requests, especially ****theisis70****: the fact that you care enough to ask makes me giddy. So thank you!**

**It's been the weekend, and for some reason my muse has been with me. I can't guarantee such quick updates, so please don't kill me if it takes a while. I am trying to get this story out as fast as I can, but with school and work it may not come as easily. Please try to be patient with me... I will update as fast as possible.**

**There's an important author's note at the end, so please read that. Enjoy!**

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**CHAPTER THREE - FACELESS ENEMY**

Carry me to heaven's arms,  
Light the way and let me go.  
Take the time to take my breath,  
I will end where I began.  
And I will find the enemy within,  
'Cause I can feel it crawl beneath my skin.  
Dear agony, Just let go of me,  
Suffer slowly, Is this the way it's gotta be?  
Don't bury me, faceless enemy,  
I'm so sorry, Is this the way it's gotta be?

-_Dear Agony_, Breaking Benjamin

**EPOV**

I was numb.

I knew I had no right to be; I had been an absolute bastard for the past three years and I knew I deserved it. It was only a matter of time before this happened, and though I know one of us would break down eventually, I wasn't actually prepared for it. I thought I would have more time, that she would give me more chances. I thought we would at least make an attempt at fixing our problems; counseling or therapy or some shit. The fact that I hadn't actually entertained the idea seriously hit me like a wrecking ball, knocking the breath and life from me. She really had had enough. She really was leaving.

Maybe she had left already.

I collapsed on the bed, _our _bed, so dead inside I couldn't bring myself to cry. I stared unseeing at the ceiling, wondering at what point things had gone so wrong. We had been happy at the beginning, I knew that. In college after our honeymoon, we were blissed out, hormone-crazed kids with the world at our feet. We loved each other desperately and every minute we were apart was torture to me. I was antsy through classes and could barely wait to get home to her, even if we did nothing but eat Indian take-out that made our breath rank, watched David Letterman and fell asleep on the couch together. Studying in the library, I could barely focus on my own books, let alone let her study long enough to retain the information she needed. My hands were constantly on her, and once or twice I even dragged her back to the stacks so I could have my way with her. We went out for lunch with friends, went midnight glow bowling. We did karaoke night, took an art class together. She was the center of my universe and my whole life revolved around her.

And then we graduated and it just... stopped. Getting ahead at work had been the center of my world, getting promotions and making more money took control. I was driven by this undeniable urge to prove that I could make it, that I could become something. I would prove them all wrong and in that fight I lost her.

I rolled to my side and noticed for the first time the dent on the pillow next to mine. Bella had been in here; she had lain in this bed not long ago. Grabbing her pillow I pulled it to my face, breathing in her scent. She had just taken a shower- her strawberry shampoo was still pungent on the pillow. Greedily I sucked the scent down, knowing this was possibly the last time I would ever smell it.

I wondered what she had been thinking while she lay here. Maybe she was proud of herself for finally taking that step, as I knew she should be. Maybe she was sad and had cried. Maybe she just simply didn't care.

I rubbed tiredly at my eyes. I just wanted to go back to the beginning and fix all of it. Of course, now it was too late for that. I wanted to see her smile again, I wanted to make her laugh. I wanted to cradle her head in my hands and feel the soft skin of her cheeks free from tears. I wanted to bury my face in her stomach and hold her close to me and just fall asleep there forever. I wanted to feel her fingers in my hair, or feel her heart pound beneath my fingertips. I wanted to watch her play the violin. I wanted to... to...

Suddenly, the numbness was gone, and in it's place, an intense rage. "Fuck!" I screamed, slamming my fists into the mattress. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!"

The next thing I knew, I was throwing punches at the defenseless closet door. I could feel the scraping and tearing of the flesh on my knuckles but I ignored it as I continued to beat on it mercilessly. I heard the most barbaric, gut-wrenching screams from somewhere in the distance, but thought that surely they couldn't have been mine. I didn't feel them coming from my throat. When I finally wound down and stopped, all energy gone, the door was hanging loose on its hinges, dented, defeated and pathetic. I sifted down to the floor, my back against the bed and my head in my hands. I was tired, my heart was breaking and I was lost.

That was when the tears came.

I had not been a very emotional guy before I met Bella. I didn't cry when I saw _Dances with Wolves_. I don't remember crying when my mother's father died. I didn't show how upset I was when my baseball team lost the state championship my sophomore year of high school. I didn't even fucking cry when my brother Emmett went into the hospital with melanoma. Crying was just not something I did; I thought displays of emotion showed weakness and vulnerability. In fact, it was a concept that had been drilled into my head since I was a small child. But then when Bella came around, I cried all the time like a motherfucking baby. We saw _The Notebook _together and, as embarrassing as it was, I fucking bawled. I cried when she got into a car accident our senior year, even though it was only a fender bender. I hadn't known that, of course; my mind immediately went to the most dramatic scenario that she was lying trapped in her monstrosity of a truck at the bottom of a ditch somewhere.

Back then, as soon as I came up with a logical reason to, I was able to stop crying. At the end of _The Notebook_, Noah and Allie had died together. Bella had only rear-ended someone. However now, even when I tried reasoning with myself, I couldn't stop. In fact, I only cried harder. There was no logic in the world that could console me. The fact of the matter was, I had fucked up. I should have come home and slept in bed with my wife instead of seeking comfort in another woman's arms. I should have held actual conversations with her and known how she was feeling. When I hurt her, I should have stayed and comforted her, kissed her tears away, until she forgave me instead of rushing out to work. I should have made her breakfast when she was sick, or taken her out and shown her the perks of living in a big city- Broadway, the extensive shopping, the delectable twenty-five dollar burgers that I knew she would enjoy. I should have been there. I should have... I should have...

I wasn't sure how long I was there; it may have been fifteen minutes, it may have been four hours. Time stopped and blended together all at the same time, meaning nothing to me as I tortured myself with thoughts of all the things I should have been doing over the past three years.

I fell asleep like that, but even in slumber my brain didn't stop. I dreamt about her unceasingly. I could hear her laugh crystal clear, see her blush perfectly.

I was awoken the next morning to a buzzing in my pocket. There was a fierce ache in my back and neck, and my hand felt like it was about to fall off. Rubbing at my eyes and cursing, I reached into my pocket and pulled my phone out. I glanced at the clock before I saw that it was my sister calling. Ten thirty.

And, like a prick, the first thought into my mind was that I was going to be late for work.

I ran my finger over the screen. "What?" I barked.

"Don't you fucking 'what' me, Edward Cullen!" she shrieked accusingly. "Where the _fuck_ are you?"

For a sick moment, I wanted to laugh. I expected this call from my boss, not my sister.

I groaned. "Good morning, Alice."

"Don't 'good morning' me either!" Her voice was positively lethal. "Again, I'm asking you; where the fuck are you?"

I clenched my teeth. "Where the hell am I _supposed_ to be, Alice?"

There was silence, and then she exploded. "_Are you FUCKING serious!"_

Nothing was making sense to me. I was starting to get angry in my own right. "Stop yelling at me, Alice. I have no fucking clue what you are talking about, so please, enlighten me as to where I'm supposed to be at the moment and I will defend myself."

"You're supposed to be at the fucking hospital, you prick!"

_The hospital?_

"What?" my voice was barely a whisper.

"Are you telling me you don't know?"

"Know what?" Cold, icy fear crept up my spine.

"It's Bella, Edward. She was hit by a taxi yesterday. She's in a goddamn coma."

Time stood still. No, that wasn't right. She had left me, not gotten hit by a car. She was probably at the airport waiting for a flight back to Washington. That was why she wasn't home last night. It was a mistake. They had found another woman named Isabella, or another woman with the last name Cullen. This was just some horrible, twisted way for fate to get even with me. She wanted to scare me into getting my act straight and going after her. She was at the airport, not in the hospital. I would go get her right now.

"Alice, are you sure? It isn't a mistake or-?"

"I fucking saw her with my own eyes, Edward. She's hooked up to a ventilator, for Christ's sake! Why aren't you here?"

_No. No no no no no no..._

"Jesus Christ, no. Alice, it can't..."

"Get your ass over here. Now."

I could barely get the words out. My throat was closing. "I'm on my way now."

She hung up on me, but it didn't matter. If she had said anything else, I wouldn't have heard it. My heart clenched and I was filled with the blackest dread I had ever felt in my life. Bile rose in my throat and my hands began to shake. For a moment, I couldn't move or breathe. Bella... _my_ Bella was in the hospital. On a fucking ventilator...

And then I snapped. Not caring what I looked like, I threw myself off the floor and bolted to the door. Convinced that the elevator would take too long, I took the stairs, hurtling myself down at a reckless pace. I didn't feel pain or burn in my legs, even though I carried myself down over twenty flights of stairs. They say adrenaline does that to people. I didn't even know if that was what it was... all I knew was that nothing else in those moments mattered to me. For the first time, I didn't give a shit about work or what I would look like once I reached the bottom of the stairs. I only cared about the time it was taking me to get to the bottom- time I should be spending with my wife.

That only made me sicker. I was making time to spend with my wife... while she was in a coma.

Blessedly, I reached the ground level but I didn't pause to catch my breath. It seemed I didn't have any to catch to begin with. I only threw myself through the door and rushed through the lobby. I ignored the looks I was getting as people stared. I'm sure I looked like a crazed maniac, but I was past caring. I pushed through the doors, not waiting for the doorman to open them, and nearly ran into traffic to hail a cab. The bile only rose further in my throat as I realized the sick irony behind that thought.

Thankfully, a cab pulled up to the curb almost as soon as I stepped outside. If it had not, I probably would have started running for the hospital. I knew that would probably take me longer than just waiting for a cab, but rational thought had fled my mind the moment I heard that I needed to be at the hospital. I pushed the doorman away, who was trying to open the door for me and slid in, the words flying from my mouth as I demanded where to be taken. "Get me to the hospital. I will give you a hundred bucks if you can get there under fifteen minutes."

"Are you kidding, man? You think I'm going to make it forty blocks in that time, in _this_ traffic?"

"Two hundred!" I yelled desperately.

"You got it, man, you got it." He perked up at the proposition of so much money. It only made me want to punch him in the face. He peeled away from the curb and I watched as the needle on his speedometer climbed. He was a good driver, I had to give him credit. He swerved tactfully around other slower cars and didn't hit a red light. We raced a good twenty to thirty blocks, and for a wild few moments I believed we were going to make it.

Until we hit a back-up.

"Are you fucking kidding?" I screamed. I made to open my door.

"Hey pal," he said, turning around to gawk at me. "You can't actually do that. That shit only works in movies."

"Watch me."

I began to climb out of the car.

"You can't just run through traffic!"

"Try and fucking stop me!" I countered, quickly losing patience. He was hindering me and it was really fucking annoying. I was beginning to panic.

"Are you gonna pay me at least?"

My blood pressure spiked. "For fuck's sake!" I exploded as I reached into my wallet and threw all the available cash I had at him. Without waiting for a reply, I slammed the door closed and made a beeline for the sidewalk. Not caring who noticed or who was affronted, I barreled through the mob, pushing people out of my way. Finding a break, I ran. I knew nothing but running. The only thing that mattered was getting to the hospital.

And then I was there. I barged through the doors, my heart pounding with exertion and fear. I hadn't planned this far; I didn't know what I was going to do once I got here. I turned around wildly, wondering where I should go. She wouldn't be in the cancer nor the maternity ward. Neither the psych ward for that matter. That left the...

_Holy fuck..._

"Excuse me!" Someone called from the reception desk. I turned.

"Who are you looking for?"

"My... my w... wife," I panted. "She... she's..."

"He's with me," a voice answered from behind me. I felt a hand on my back and another on my elbow. The nurse's eyes immediately softened toward me.

"Of course," she nodded.

Alice led me away.

"Jesus Christ Edward, did you run here?"

"Yes," I answered. "The fucking cab driver wouldn't go fast enough. Where's Bella?"

Alice shook her head sadly. "Like it matters, Edward. She isn't going anywhere."

That only enraged me further. What didn't she get? It was _my wife._ It mattered everything in the fucking world! I stopped in the middle of the hallway, grabbed her shoulders and shook her. "Of course it fucking matters! She's my wife! Where the hell is she?"

Alice shrugged my hands off of her. "I know you're upset-"

"You have no goddamn idea!"

"Hey!" she snapped, glowering at me with a look of pure disgust. "I was the one that got here first, Edward. I flew here all the way from fucking Los Angeles at ten o'clock at night to find my best friend getting stabbed with fifteen different needles while blood was pouring out of her from fourteen different places. I watched them wheel her back and forth for test after test after test. I fucking saw her slip from lucid to brain dead. I watched her get fucking strapped up to a machine because she couldn't breathe on her own. Believe me, I have a goddamn idea!"

My heart stopped. I was going to vomit. "Alice, where is she?"

"ICU. Two-twenty-four," Alice snapped. I turned and raced down the hall for an elevator.

I hurried down the hall of the ICU, looking at room numbers, my heart racing with every step I took. I was getting closer to her, but with every step I took, I wanted to go backward. This couldn't be real. It couldn't be happening. It was all some part of a sick dream and I was going to wake up at any second, Bella wrapped in my arms back in my bed in Forks, Washington. I was going to see her eyes open and she was going to smile at me and tell me she loved me. She would blush and run to the bathroom, carrying on about morning breath, and then she would come back to bed and wrap herself around me under the covers. I would hold her and promise that I would never hurt her, nor would I ever let the world bring her harm. I would keep her safe with me forever, she wouldn't be touched. And then I would roll over on top of her and kiss her...

_You know, for someone desperate to be loved, you sure don't put out a lot..._

This time, I really did vomit. I keeled over, right there on the hospital floor and emptied my insides. I didn't fight it; I allowed my body to lurch back and forth, and as much as I hated it, I allowed myself to look weak. The last words my wife could ever possibly hear from me. Not 'I love you,' not 'You are my life.' The last fucking words...

_...for someone desperate to be loved..._

She wouldn't have been desperate had I been doing my job as a husband.

I pulled myself up, walking away from the mess I had made on the floor. I ignored the nurses that called for me to stop and instead kept moving until I came to two-twenty-four. My stomach wrenched again in fear and agony. The name on the door was a slap to my face.

**Isabella M. Swan.**

I reached for the handle and was about to push the door open when I felt the hand of a nurse. "Sir, we can't allow you to go in there."

I shrugged her arm off and made to open the door.

"Sir!"

I was desperate. "Please," I begged. "She's my wife. I have to see her."

"I understand, honey," she rubbed a soothing hand on my back. "But you just vomitted all over the floor. And we aren't allowing visitors at the moment. Hospital protocol says-"

"I don't care about hospital protocol! My company built this damn hospital, I know all about it!" I bellowed. Her eyebrow arched. "Please," I tried again. "Please, I have to see her!"

"What seems to be the problem here?"

A grey-haired man approached us, wearing a white labcoat and clutching a large blue binder in his hand. He brow was creased with concern.

The nurse backed away to leave us to talk. "I'm Edward Cullen," I said, my eyes flitting between him and the door. "My wife, Bella... Isabella. She's in that room. Please, I just want to see her."

"I understand this may be a difficult time for you-"

I took a quick, shaky breath, panic seizing my heart. "Why does everyone keep saying that around here! You _don't _know how difficult this is for me. And if you cared at all, you would let me in that goddamn room."

"Son, I can't do that."

"Why the hell not!"

He sighed tiredly and looked toward the door. When he turned back to me, he looked as if he was in a great deal of pain. "She requested that we not allow you to see her."

Any air I had left my body and my heart stopped. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. "_What?"_

"Come with me, let's talk." He led me down the hall, through a pair of doors and into an immaculately decorated office. _No_, I thought to myself. _No, I don't want to be here. I want to be back there. Please, let me go back to her._

He sat down at his desk and gestured with a hand for me to sit down. Numbly, I did.

"My name is William Banner, I'm the head of Neurosurgery" he said. "We can skip formalities and you can just call me Bill."

"What happened to my wife?"

He sighed sadly and crossed his hands in front of him. "From what we understand, she was walking down the avenue from your apartment building, and she sadly happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. A robbery took place, and in the hustle she was pushed into oncoming traffic. That's all the police have been able to tell us."

I cringed and my heart hit the floor. My eyes squeezed shut in agony. He continued, obviously uncomfortable.

"She was hit pretty hard, and even right now we are not fully aware of the extent of her injuries. She has a few fractures, some broken bones and major bruising. Before she fell into the coma, she went through several PET and fMRI scans and we found a subdural haematoma. She was-"

"Bleeding into her brain," I breathed.

He nodded sadly. "She seized a few times, and we were able to sedate her before-"

"Please," I choked, raising my hand. He didn't need to tell me the rest.

He sighed again and flipped open her chart. "She was doing well, for the most part. A real fighter. I was actually quite surprised. In all my seventeen years I haven't seen someone quite as aware and coherent as she was. Of course, she wasn't as... lively as you and I are..." he blanched at his choice of words. "Forgive me. She wasn't as animated as you and I are. She could understand what we were saying, and could answer us coherently when we needed her to. She lost a lot of blood, but we were able to get her enough transfusions to keep her stable and gave her a Diazapam drip to calm her down. She gets anxious, doesn't she?"

For a moment, I allowed myself to smile in memory. Yes, she had always gotten worked up quite easily. I could feel her heartbeat underneath my fingers, even as I sat there thinking about it.

"Yes," I answered softly. "She does."

Dr. Banner sobered quickly. "Mr. Cullen, I feel you should know. My wife and I used to watch Mrs. Cullen...er, Swan... on television when she performed with the orchestra. My two sons were enamored with her, and my eleven year old wanted to be just like her. She really was something of an inspiration. But, with her injuries, I don't see..."

"What are you getting at Dr. Banner?"

"We think she may have tried to catch herself as she fell. But... her right wrist, the one she uses to play her violin... it's broken through in three places. We feel that even with intense physical therapy, she will never be able to play again. At this rate, she may not even get full rotation back."

I hung my head, the tears welling up in my eyes again. It just couldn't get any worse.

"Why wasn't I called?" I pleaded.

Banner shifted again uncomfortably. "She... she didn't give your name."

My head snapped up. I was wrong. It definitely could.

"The charts we have from her pediatric doctor are dated from the time she was around sixteen. Her emergency contacts were her father and an Alice Cullen."

Bella's father was dead. She hadn't been to the doctor since she was sixteen; no check-up, no consult, nothing. Alice was the one they would have called.

_She hadn't even gone in for birth control..._

"She didn't ask for me to be notified?"

He shook his head. "You weren't mentioned until we told her Mrs. Whitlock was on the way. She then asked that we not allow you to see her. And then she slipped under. I'm so sorry, son."

At that, a sob tore from my body and I could take no more. I doubled over as my heart ripped in half; the pain consumed me like fire.

"If there's anything I can do..."

I looked up at him, my eyes swollen and painful. "Please. Let me see her. She doesn't have to know, and I am only asking this once. If my wife... dies..." I choked. "If she... I want to be able to have seen her. Please... I... I can't..."

"Follow me," he said quietly.

I stood on shaky legs and followed him down the hall back to her room. Outside, he paused and placed a hand on my shoulder. "Don't be upset," he warned. "She looked a lot worse yesterday."

I ignored him and walked into the room.

My Bella... my sweet, innocent Bella was engulfed by the bed and encased in all kinds of casts, all traces of life gone from her. Her face was marred and unrecognizable beneath the bruises and scrapes from the road, and for a minute I almost believed they had lead me to the wrong room. Hesitantly, I took a step forward and reached a hand out to touch her. The door closed behind me with a soft click and I was alone with her. I moved toward her again.

Gingerly, I brushed a strand of hair from her face. Six years ago, she would have blushed and I would have been able to feel her skin heat up. I would be able to feel her heart rate increase. Back then I had wished I could have a monitor so I could track all the times I had that effect on her. Now, I had a monitor.

And her heart rate didn't pick up.

"Baby, I'm so sorry," I sobbed brokenly. My fingertips continued to lightly trace her face. "I'm sorry I've been such an ass these past few years. I asked you to marry me, and I swore to honor and cherish you all the days of my life. And I've broken that promise so many times, you have every right to leave. But I'm begging you. Please, please don't leave me. I can't live in a world where you don't exist. I will sign the divorce papers, if that is what will make you happy. Just please, baby, wake up. I will sign the papers and free you forever if you just wake up."

There was no change. Her heart continued to beat regularly. The machine pumped oxygen into her lungs. Her eyes stayed closed.

It didn't make much sense in a sane world for me to be confessing to her when I knew she couldn't hear me. But I was far beyond the point of sanity. I just kept talking. "I haven't been honest with you, Bella, with so many things. I... I can't explain to you why I worked so much. I don't even know why myself. I just... I felt this urge, this _need_ to get ahead, and in that, I lost you. And things just spiraled out of control and we were fighting all the time and I lost sight of what was important. I tried to escape all the fighting by working even more, but that did nothing but make things worse. And then I started sleeping around, and even though I knew it was wrong, I didn't stop. I've betrayed you in the worst way possible, and I vow to make it up to you, even though I don't know how, if you just wake up. _Please, _Bella."

Still no change.

"You don't have to wake up this minute. It's okay, I can wait." I ran my fingers over her cheek. "I can't excuse my actions. No man can expect to be forgiven after being such a bastard." I leaned forward to whisper in her ear. "And I know I don't deserve to ask this of you. But I'm going to anyway, because I'm selfish and greedy, and you know that. Please, live for me." My voice trembled. "I need you to live. I need to hear your voice again, even if you're telling me to fuck off. I need to see your eyes again, and I want you to be awake so I can tell you I love you. In the crazy, selfish, fucked-up way that I seem to only be capable of, I love you. Even though you don't want me to be, I will be here every waking minute until you open your eyes again. Do you hear me, Isabella Cullen? Yes, Cullen, not Swan. You are my _wife._ You are-"

I was interupted by a sharp, blaring ring. Not comprehending what was happening, I waited for it to stop. And then I grew alarmed because it didn't. The door behind me was thrown open and three nurses rushed in. "Call a code," one of them shouted. "She's flat-lining. Dr. Banner, she's crashing!"

He was there before the words even left her mouth. Elbowing me out of the way, he hit a lever on her bed and lowered her down. "Push three of Epi and get me a crash cart. Edward, you need to get out of here."

I stood frozen on the spot as a bulky cart with paddles was pushed past me. A nurse squirted some sort of gel on it, shouted a charge at another nurse and placed the paddle to Bella's chest. I watched in horror as her body jerked from the bed and then fell lifelessly back down.

"Charge to sixty!" the nurse called again.

Still no response.

"Bella!" I screamed.

"Edward, get out!" Banner shouted.

"No!" I yelled back. "Dammit, I'm not leaving her!"

And then, the beep stopped. Her heart started to beat again, slow at first but steadily picking up rhythm. I hadn't realized I'd been holding my breath until I released it all in one breath.

Banner began speaking to the nurses. "We need to get her into surgery, now. The bleed has advanced deeper. Kate, prep me an OR and Irina get the papers for Mrs. Whitlock to sign."

"Alice?" I asked.

Banner turned to me, all trace of friendliness gone. "You are not her emergency contact. I am in understanding that you and Ms. Swan are in the midst of a divorce, and I do not want a lawsuit on my hands if she wakes up and realizes it was her soon-to-be ex-husband that signed her over for a risky surgery. Now, please. Go to the lobby and sit with Mrs. Whitlock and I will notify you of any updates during surgery. If I have to say more to you, I will have security escort you from the premises."

With that he brushed by me without glancing back. He called out orders as he walked into the hall and the same nurse that had spoken to me earlier that day gestured with her eyes that it was best if I left.

I found Alice in the lobby talking on her cell phone. When she saw me walking toward her, she immediately snapped it closed on whoever she was talking to and walked toward me. "Edward, what is it?"

"She coded while I was in the room with her. Her heart just... stopped."

"No. She can't... she isn't..."

I shook my head. "They're taking her into surgery now. A nurse is bringing down papers for you to sign and then they're going to take her in. Alice, they're going to cut into her brain and..."

She shuddered and swallowed audibly. "There's nothing to worry about. This guy, he's the best on the East Coast. I read all about him while you were in there talking. He... wait. Edward, why am I signing the consent forms?"

"Alice, I've fucked up."

Her brow furrowed. "What do you mean, Edward?"

"Alice... these last few years... things have gotten bad. And I can't... I don't..."

She nodded. "Well, we have a long time to talk."

* * *

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: Please, please, please don't kill me. **

**First, I'm trying to capture emotions the right way in this story. For all of you that hate Edward right now, that's understandable. But also, please try to keep in mind; I know it doesn't seem right for him to feel the way he does. He's treated Bella poorly in the past and has been an awful husband. He knows that, but that still doesn't help him come to terms with the fact that she is leaving. It is not entirely uncommon in this situation for someone to feel that. I've spoken to a few people that have been divorced, some that have been on the petitioning side and some that have been on the defensive, and the whole experience is an emotional roller coaster that, in essence, doesn't make sense at all. But a few have remarked that, even though they knew what they were doing in the marriage was wrong, they always thought they had more time or would have more chances to fix it later. It's stupid, I agree, and doesn't make much sense; when you know what you're doing is wrong, you expect the consequences but you don't go back and correct what you're wrong doing. But sometimes our emotions don't make sense. And that's what makes the whole process harder.**

**Edward goes through the stages of grief, even in his own crazy, fucked-up way that makes no sense. Shock / denial, anger and grief. He loves Bella deeply, even though those feelings have been buried beneath other things and, through all the hurtful and harsh ways he's acted toward her, he still does. That is why he struggles so much in this chapter. To not only find out that his wife is leaving him, but to learn that the woman he loves might die traumatizes him to a point that he goes a bit crazy. This whole chapter is about his emotional struggle, and it isn't the end of it. **

**Second, for all the die-hard Badass Bella fans, I swear to you, her time is coming so don't hate me yet. Yes, right now she is weak and vulnerable and a victim. Reading through some of your reviews, I know a few of you hate that. Again, something for you to bear in mind; Bella is, essentially, broken down. It would be hard not to be in her situation. Edward was not always an absent workaholic; he **_**had**_**been a loving, caring husband. (There is a reason for this change too, I promise you.) Some of you would have left Edward on the spot, and if that's your thinking, I'm not sure you fully grasp what's going on in Bella's mind. She loves Edward so much, and a part of her was always hoping that her old husband would come back, that the old Edward was still there. That was why she stayed around for so long. It has been psychologically proved that, in some abusive relationships, this is the case (before the question comes up, no, no physical violence, just verbal). Finally though, she took the step towards divorcing him, and unfortunately that took a huge hit on her emotional state, allowing James to take advantage of her (this is the seed of the James we all know of. He's coming too, I promise).**

**I hope this answers some of your questions and lays to rest some of the issues you may have with the characters. Things **_**will **_**work out sooner or later, so please don't throw tomatoes at me yet.**

**I will update soon! **


	4. The Vine with Thorns

**CHAPTER FOUR - THE VINE WITH THORNS**

Maybe redemption has stories to tell.  
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell.  
Where do you run to escape from yourself.

Where you gonna go?  
Salvation is here.

- _Dare You to Move, _Switchfoot

**EPOV**

I was pacing back and forth, my shaking hands tucked beneath my arms to provide easy access to my watch. It had been eighty-four minutes since they'd rushed her into the operating room.

"Edward, sit down."

Alice's voice had, in the beginning, been calm and understanding. Now however, she sounded irritated and slightly frustrated. I hadn't been able to sit still in the atrocious waiting room chairs for at least a half hour. Not only were they uncomfortable as hell, but it had been an entire eighty-four minutes since they had wheeled Bella into surgery and forty-seven minutes since the nurse had been down to have Alice sign the consent papers. Forty-seven minutes since anyone with any sort of authority in this hospital had been there to speak to me about her or her condition. I was nervous, anxious, panicky, frantic and annoying.

To put it mildly.

"Why can't they just let me watch?" I asked impatiently. "That's my goddamn wife they're cutting into!"

Alice looked up from her magazine. "Because Edward, your goddamn wife isn't in labor right now. She's having brain surgery. Now sit down!"

I looked back and forth between her and the doors that led to the operating rooms. Back and forth, back and forth until finally I walked over and sat down next to her, barely touching the edge of the chair. "How can you be so calm?" I asked her. "You're usually the bouncy one and _I'm_ the one getting pissed at _you_."

She sighed, closed the magazine and placed it on the end table. "Being in the spotlight for so long, I guess I've just trained myself not to show emotion. That much." She folded her hands in her lap and looked up at me, her eyes pleading with me to understand. "Edward, I'm just as scared as you are. Believe me." She reached over and took my hands in hers. "You're not alone in this. She's my best friend and I've known her even longer than you have. We grew up together." She patted my hand, but her voice didn't sound as sure as it normally did when she spoke next. "Which is how I know that she's a fighter. She's going to pull through this."

I sighed and put my head in my hands. "What if she doesn't?"

I expected her to respond. Alice always had something to say; she just had to have the last word. Only this time she didn't. She only rubbed my back soothingly, trying to calm me down.

I was still waiting for the shock to wear off and the reality to sink in. Bella was in an operating room. Right now. With a scalpel, or whatever the hell else they used, digging around in her brain. There was an obscene possibility, despite the ability of Dr. Banner, that she might not wake up. At least while she had been in a coma, her heart had still been beating and there was a chance she could open her eyes whenever she chose to come back to me. Now that she was in surgery, her chances and hope for life hung in a balance that was tipped slightly toward darkness.

The same balance that my life seemed to be suspended from at the moment.

But I was completely numb. My mind refused to wrap around the concept that I may never see her looking at me again. I may never see her smile, or hear her laugh. She could, with one small slip of the scalpel, be gone from me forever. I knew this was a very real possibility, but my heart would not accept it. Again with the whole 'refusal to accept reason' thing. I just sat in the waiting room for what seemed like hours, waiting for something. For a nurse. For a doctor. For some kind of answer that would bring me a moment of clarity and peace.

I tortured myself with memories of her; memories of her smile and laugh, of her smart mouth and sweet nature. All the things I had taken for granted over the past three years that right now I wished I could see at least one more time. I would trade anything I had- money, my job, even my own soul- if I could just see her eyes open and look at me in a way they used to. So full of love and happiness and some unexplainable joy...

_Bella and I had been on dates before. I took her out to dinner a lot. We'd been to see a few movies in Port Angeles, though not often because I couldn't stand the sappy romantic dramas she liked to watch and she hated my psychological thriller fetish, so most of the time we stuck to Casablanca and Wuthering Heights on my TiVo and made out on the couch. I took her to the beach at La Push once, though I felt like a pretentious asshole because I was so nervous I couldn't stop spewing about all the little creatures and plants we saw everywhere. I had even taken her to the zoo on one of our anniversaries because she loved looking at the lions. But I had never done something like this before._

_I'd never let her so close to my heart._

_Growing up in total seclusion from society- our house was deeper in the wooded areas of the Olympic Peninsula than most people preferred to go- came with its advantages. As a younger boy, I'd been able to roam the area without much interruption from other people and I was grateful. I liked the peace and quiet, it gave me a comfortable place to think. One day during the spring I had stumbled upon a meadow that was erupting with purple wildflowers that glistened in the rare sunlight. I had dismissed the thought of it being magical when I realized the sparkle came from the remaining dew that was left on the petals, but that still didn't quell the feeling of pure delight and contentment I felt when I was there._

_Today I had decided to share it with Bella. In my mind, I was nervous for good reason. It was a pussy thing to do to be so enamored by a fucking patch of land and I wasn't sure how she would take it. We had been dating near seven months, and though I thought she knew me well and vice versa, I still was a little unsure as to how she would react. She would either laugh and call it stupid or... like it._

_"Edward, how much further?" she called from behind me. "The forest and my... lack of coordination aren't happy to have met one another." I turned to look behind me and couldn't help but laugh at her. She was tottering precariously on a fallen tree branch, unsure of whether it was safe or not to jump down. Turning, I walked over to her and held my arms up. I intended on catching and holding her, but she merely placed her hands on my shoulder and used me as a crutch to lower herself down. _

_Independent little minx._

_I settled for taking her hand and leading her back the way I had been headed. "You see that patch of light up there?" I pointed._

_She squinted, her cute little nose wrinkling. "All the way up THERE?"_

_I laughed, leaning over and kissing her lightly. She frowned when I pulled away._

_"Yes, baby, all the way up _there. _It shouldn't take that much longer."_

_"Yeah," she huffed as we started walking again. "Maybe not for you, you fricken ape."_

_I laughed again and pulled her forward, faster and faster in anticipation as my nervousness grew. It was now or never, I realized, though it wouldn't really be fair to stop here and drag her all the way back to my house after I had forced her to walk this far. I would just have to grow a pair of testicles and deal with her reaction._

_She sucked in a breath when we finally stopped. Anxious, I turned to her and watched her face. Her delicate eyebrows were half-raised, her mouth open in a small smile. Her chocolate eyes darted around in what I could only describe as wonder, and for a moment I thought my heart would burst with happiness. Her little fingers tightened around my hand before she dropped it and stepped forward into the sunlight. I could do nothing but watch as she walked into the center of the meadow, spread her arms and spun around in a circle, laughing angelically. Her hair shone in the light and her skin glowed. She was beautiful and she was all mine._

_"Edward, this is beautiful," she cried, still spinning. And then she stopped. She had seen it. "Is that...?"_

_"Mhmm," I replied as I walked up behind her. Wrapping my arms around her waist, I rested my chin against her shoulder, my cheek against hers. "Are you hungry?"_

_"A little," she whispered, turning her face slightly so she could nuzzle me with her nose. My stomach tightened as I realized the meaning behind her words._

_"Later," I promised. Leaning forward an inch, I pressed my lips against hers and sighed at her soft hum of appreciation. My hands tightened around her waist as the kiss grew in intensity and I pressed her against the growing hardness in my jeans. With one hand, she reached down and entwined her fingers with mine and with the other hand she buried her fingers in my hair, lightly tugging my hair and massaging my scalp. Her tongue came out and touched my mouth, and it took all the restraint I had in me not to meet her. Groaning, I pulled away and rested my forehead against hers._

_"More of that," I breathed raggedly, "and that blanket will be used for something different than what I had planned."_

_"I wouldn't mind," she breathed, her eyes closed and her cheeks pink. _

_I groaned again and pressed my mouth to hers, hard. Taking her by surprise, I opened her mouth roughly and plunged my tongue into it with three quick thrusts. Pulling back suddenly, I grinned at her. Her eyes snapped open and she glared at me, pulling out of my arms. "Edward Cullen... you... you're... you're not fair!"_

_I laughed, though I _did_ feel a little guilty. Taking her hand, I raised it to my lips and brushed kisses on her knuckles. "Isabella Swan," I replied, staring directly into her eyes. "You're too tempting, so technically, you're the one that's not being fair to me. I went through a lot of trouble to plan this and I don't want our hormones to spoil it yet. Please, would you do me the honor of dining with me? I promise to ravage you to your heart's content later." I tried to convey the intensity of my last statement to her with my eyes. I knew I had been well received when the color in her cheeks went from pink to violent red._

_"Fine," she mumbled._

_I kissed her hand once more before lowering it to our sides and pulling her toward the blanket and picnic basket. "Come on, you hussy. Let's get you fed."_

_"It's not my stomach that's hungry at the moment."_

_She hadn't meant for me to hear her, but I did, and even I was shocked at the audacity of her statement. I whipped around, taking her by surprise and causing her to bump into me. Wrapping my arms around her, I hauled her up against me and crushed my mouth to hers. She was making this so incredibly difficult, whether that was her intent or not, and my will was crumbling every second. Any more comments like that and I wasn't sure I would be able to restrain myself from bearing her down on the ground and having her right there. Or pushing her back up against and tree, wrapping her legs around me and having her. Or..._

_"Bella," I panted, reaching into her hair and clutching it in my fingers. With a slight pull, I managed to pull her head back slightly. "Please. Please, just give me an hour. One hour and then I'm all yours. I will do whatever you want, just give me this time. I'm begging you."_

_She unwrapped her legs from around my waist and slid down. Placing her hands on my chest, she looked up at me and smiled. "I'm not the one attacking you," she said. She placed a hand against my cheek and the mood immediately shifted from one of arousal to tenderness. She ran her thumb across my cheek. "I'm sorry. I know you've put a lot of work into this. I'll give you all the time you need." She stood on her toes even though she still could quite reach. Smiling, I bent down and met her, kissing her softly. Wisely, she pulled away._

_I gently pushed her down onto the blanket and excitedly opened the picnic basket. "Okay, so I'm hoping this is all edible. It's not up to your standards because no one can cook like you in the world, but I'm hoping that it tastes halfway decent." I was rambling but I couldn't get myself to shut up. "There's these devilled egg things that smell appetizing so hopefully they taste that way. I got the recipe off the Internet, so I'm hoping it was a trustworthy website but if not, don't blame me. Chicken salad sandwiches that again came from the Internet but I had Esme help me so they won't make you sick, I promise. There's a pitcher of iced tea in here, but the instructions are on the box so I can almost promise I didn't fuck it up. Same with the brownies. Um... where's the...?"_

_"Edward?" she asked softly._

_I continued to look through the basket, scratching my head nervously. "There was supposed to be a tomato and mozzarella salad in here, but I'm afraid I may have forgotten to pack it..."_

_"Edward."_

_"No, wait. Here it is. You'll like this stuff. It's got some weird balsamic vinaigrette dressing that-"_

_She laughed. "Edward!"_

_I looked up at her. "Huh?"_

_"You made all this for me?"_

_I was slightly confused. "Well, yeah. Women aren't the only ones that can cook. And I mean I've been saying that for the last five minutes..."_

_She leaned forward and kissed me, still laughing. "I don't care if you made me mud pies," she said, her eyes twinkling. "I still would have eaten them."_

_My heart fucking flipped at her statement, but I pretended to be affronted. "So you're saying you will still eat my food, even though it tastes like dirt? Gee, Bella, that's a way to make me feel better."_

_She rolled her eyes and shook her head. "Give me a sandwich."_

_I sat next to her, pressing against her shoulder to hip and handed her food. We talked about everything from when and how I'd found the meadow to my experience boiling chicken on a stove I'd never used before to the ridiculous things Jessica Stanley had been doing that day to get my attention. She told me about how she had gotten an A on her Calculus test- that I had tutored her for- and that her father was going out of town that weekend on a fishing trip, so she had the house, especially all flat surfaces in it, available- preferably for my use. With her. But by the time she got to that point, there was already something else bothering me._

_"Bella?" I asked hesitantly before stuffing my mouth with half a sandwich._

_"Yes Edward?" She very rudely and dramatically imitated my motion by shoveling a brownie in her mouth as a way of mocking me. I stuck my tongue out at her before returning to my state of seriousness._

_"Where are you thinking of applying to college?"_

_She shrugged. "I don't know, I haven't really thought about it yet."_

_I choked. "Bella. Applications are going to be available soon. And... you don't know where you want to go?"_

_She snorted. "Applications aren't due until like, December, baby. I guess I'll figure it out this summer." She sipped on her tea. "Why are you so worried?" She didn't seem offended or angry. Her brow was wrinkled in that way that usually meant something was puzzling her and she was genuinely curious to figure it out._

_I picked at the grass at the edge of the blanket. "I don't know." I hesitated. "I guess I just wanted to get an idea."_

_She ducked her head, trying to meet my lowered eyes. "Edward, I know you. There's some other motive. You can tell me."_

_I sighed, deciding to just go for it. "I guess I was just wondering... if you ever thought about a future?"_

_"Sure I do," she answered. "I want to get a degree in English. Maybe go into publishing or get a job as a teacher. Settle down, pop out a few kids, travel a little. But I mean, everyone has pipe dreams."_

_"A future with me," I clarified, so low I wasn't sure she heard. _

_She inhaled sharply and when I glanced up, a dark blush was staining her cheeks. "Oh." She looked down, picking at strings on her skirt. "Yes, I have," she answered softly. _

_I needed more. "And?"_

_She refused to meet my eyes. "We could go to college together. Live together at some point." Her voice lowered even more. "We could get married," she said quietly, her voice trembling. "And I can see myself having your children. I mean I _want _to have your children. Little copper-haired babies playing the piano and learning to hit a ball off a tee..."_

_As she described her idea to me, I felt the soft swell of emotion in my heart that I always did for her in moments like these. It made me want to wrap my arms around her and never let her go, just so I could keep her with me forever. I wanted to bury myself in her, and not just in her body, but in her heart and spirit too. Holding back from grabbing her was proving to be too difficult, so right in the middle of her story I reached over, picked her up and brought her into my lap, wrapping my arms around her and burying my face in her hair. I placed light kisses everywhere I could and just reveled in her and in that feeling._

_I felt her lips pressing against my neck and tightened my hold on her. Maybe she knew how I felt. Maybe..._

_"Edward?"_

_"Yes, love?"_

_She swallowed. "Do you ever... um... picture a future... with me?"_

_I chuckled and continued to kiss the top of her head. "All the time," I answered. "Otherwise I wouldn't have asked. Silly girl."_

_She sighed in contentment and leaned her head against my chest. _

_"Bella... sometimes... I don't know, sometimes I just want to hold you forever. I can't picture myself without you anymore; every time I think of what I'm going to be doing in the next ten years, I always picture you there. I can't stop thinking about you, ever. The thought of you ever leaving me it... Bella I can't stand it. I don't even want to think about it, it hurts so much. And I-"_

_"Edward?"_

_She had pulled back and was now cupping my face between her two soft hands. She smiled so sweetly I thought I would start crying._

_Stupid emotional prick._

_"Isabella."_

_She rolled her eyes. "I love you too."_

_And then I couldn't take it. I grabbed her face and I kissed her. I kissed her with every ounce of _love_ I had, pouring my entire soul into her. She was the one person I was meant to be with. Scientifically, humans were not meant to mate for life. There was no such thing as soul mates. We were animals that were programmed for polygamy and there was no real scientific proof behind the emotion of love for one specific person. But at that moment, I forgot about everything scientific that I knew. The meadow was magical in that moment, and Bella was there with me, my soul mate. I had found the girl I was meant to be with for the rest of my life and I would kill anyone that tried to take her away from me. _

_The intense urge to be inside her filled my being, and I gently rolled over on top of her, pushing her down onto the blanket._

I was brought down off memory lane by a jolt at my side. Alice shook my shoulder. Looking up, I saw a weary and tired looking Doctor Banner walking down the hallway. He had pulled off his mask and was walking slowly. So slowly that fear gripped my body so strongly I felt my heart stop. Unthinkingly, I grabbed Alice's hand and held it in a vise-like grip. Surprisingly, she returned my hold with an equal strength. He emerged from through the doors, looked around the room and spotted us.

His face showed no sign of emotion.

Quickly, I stood up, pulling Alice along with me. "Well?" That was all I could get out.

He sighed. "There was much more swelling than we had anticipated, so we had to cut into more than we had planned for." My knees started to weaken and my heart kicked back to life, pumping so hard I felt it was going to crack right through my ribs. Alice squeezed my hand tightly. "But the operation was successful. We we able to evacuate the bleed and a quick scan showed no damage to any other parts of the brain. In the right conditions, she would be able to make a recovery. However, these aren't the right conditions and we do not know how she will respond." Images of Bella with no memory or paralysis flooded my brain and made me sick. Luckily, the doctor kept going. "She's back on the ventilator, but we're already seeing some signs of independent brain activity; she _can_ breathe on her own, just not enough to keep her alive, so we're keeping her on the ventilator and we're keeping a close eye on her. Do you believe in a higher power?"

I did, but I didn't see what that had to do with anything. I nodded.

"We've done all we can in our power, but the rest is up to God. She's in for the fight of her life right now, and really the best thing I can encourage you to do right now is pray. All we can do now is wait and hope that she wakes up. The rest is in God's 's a cafeteria down the hall. I suggest you go and get yourselves something to eat. We could be in for a long wait." He sighed, looking weary and defeated. "I'm sorry, son." And as I looked into his eyes, I could tell he was talking about more than my wife's current condition.

He placed a firm hand on my shoulder in condolence, and then turned and walked away. Alice was crying, but I was not. I couldn't feel sadness or misery or anger.

Shock. Numb.

_We just have to wait and hope she wakes up._

Nothing had ever been out of my hands before. I had always been in control, I was always able to make the decision. Now that I couldn't, I was at a loss as to what to do. My brain could not contemplate that I could not simply turn on my expensive heel, march into her room, demand she open her damn eyes and expect to look down into them. I was itching to race back to her room, get on my knees and beg her to wake up. Anything it took to bring her back into my life. I was that desperate.

I stared unseeingly at the blank walls as Alice led me to the cafeteria. She was silent behind me, clutching my elbow in a way that seemed to be her only support. She was leading me, but I was dragging her. We were symbiotic then, for seemingly the first time ever- excluding the presence of Bella in our lives. I had always relied on her for something, and or she had relied on me for something, but never for the mutual benefit of the both of us. As children, I would give her my crayons or she would give me her let me borrow a CD. As teenagers, I would drive her somewhere or she would have a friend sleep over. As adults even, I was informing her on the best stock to purchase at the moment or she was lending me her cottage in Aspen for my business associates. Never had we done anything mutually beneficial.

Now, she seemed to be the only thing keeping me grounded. And I seemed to be the only thing keeping her from falling apart.

And Bella was the root of it all.

Sitting down at a table with cheap salads and bottled tea, Alice and I ate in silence. She was still sniffling and a few tears escaped her eyes, and I barely even picked through the limp lettuce as I sat in thought. I tasted nothing as I chewed a few bites; my mind was completely preoccupied. All I could think of was getting back to Bella. Now, more than ever, I needed her presence. Just the sight of her would calm me down. If I could just touch her soft hand or smell her sweet hair, I would be okay. I would be able to make it if I could just sit near her.

Time seemed to move by like thick syrup.

"Edward," Alice said quietly.

I looked up from the plastic to-go container.

She dabbed at the corner of her eye with her napkin and looked up at me. Her eyes were red-rimmed and teary. "Why did I have to sign the consent forms?"

_Fuuuuuuuuuuck._

I was dreading this conversation. I knew it was coming, somewhere in the back of my mind, but I had not been expecting it. _Sounds very similar of another predicament you're in,_ a voice said in the back of my mind.

I took a deep breath and summoned my courage. "Doctor Banner had to use Bella's records from her pediatrician," I started. Already I was interrupted.

"Why?"

I inhaled again. "Alice, please. Just... just let me get this out. In the file, Bella has you and her father listed as her emergency contacts.. Seeing as her father is dead, you were the first person they called when she... when she was brought in."

Again, I was interrupted. "I don't understand."

"Alice!" I hissed. When she recoiled, I reigned my anger in and tried to be as soft as possible. Soon, she would be the angry one at me, and I needed to cushion that as much as possible. Even though I deserved every bit of what was coming.

"She hasn't been to the doctor since she lived in Forks," I muttered. "The most up-to-date records they could find were those from Dr. Gerandy. Her pediatrician. She put you and her father down as her emergency contacts. She and I didn't even know each other yet."

"Edward! She hasn't... why not? No birth control, no check-ups, no anything?" she didn't seem to understand. "She hasn't been to the doctor in..." she mentally calculated the time. "Almost eight years? Oh, Edward. Why didn't you make her go? You know how important going to the doctor is. I mean, besides going to college, that was the one thing Dad always emphasized."

I nearly snorted at her mention of our father. Of course she would bring him up.

I hadn't spoken to Doctor Daddy since my graduation from UW; and I hadn't really even spoken to him then. He had shown up to the ceremony an hour late, having already missed my walk across the stage, and by the time the reception rolled around he was already long gone. For someone that had ingrained the importance of success into my mind, he didn't really seem that supportive of my accomplishment on that day. He claimed that being the Chief of Surgery was demanding and time-consuming, but I had always had a suspicion that it wasn't surgery he was always sneaking off to. Needless to say, almost immediately after graduating, Bella and I packed up and moved to New York and I hadn't spoken to him since. She and I hadn't even spoken about him.

I disregarded her statement and kept going. "Alice," I continued, knowing the hardest part was coming. "I didn't know she wasn't going to the doctor."

"You didn't know?"

I shook my head sadly.

"Why not?"

I hung my head, unable to answer her. Guilt, the first real emotion I felt since Doctor Banner had announced her surgery over, wrapped itself around my heart like a vine, its thorns plunging into the tissue and refusing to loosen. It constricted tightly as the last three years of my six year marriage flashed across my eyes. All the nights I spent in another woman's bed. All the fights and the cruel words. All the times I made up excuses not to come home so I could drown my frustration in liquor. All the nights I came home to a wailing violin, Bella's only way of showing me how she truly felt.

"Edward?"

I placed my glasses on the table and buried my hands in my hair. "Alice, I've really, really fucked up."

She took a deep breath. "Fucked up how?"

"Bella and I... we're getting a divorce."

She gasped, but I couldn't bring myself to look at her and read her expression. As I said the words aloud, the vine tightened it's hold on my heart and a new pain emerged. An unbearable sadness pierced through it like a knife, twisting as it dug in deeper. Before I could even think, the dam was broken and I began to sob right there at the table. My hands pulled roughly at my hair as I doubled over in agony, anguish and pain controlling my senses. I couldn't breathe.

"Edward, what happened?"

I tried to collect myself as it all came out in a rush. Quickly, I wiped at my eyes. "Everything was fine. _We _were fine. But then something happened. Almost as soon as we moved here, she cut herself off from me. She designed a studio for herself at the apartment and shut herself in there every day. She wouldn't talk to me. She wouldn't even look at me. I didn't know what happened; it was almost like her soul had left her body and all that was left was a breathing carcass. I couldn't bear it. My sweet Bella was gone and I didn't know how to handle it. At first, I came home late once a week, just so I could spend a little time away. But then she started getting mad at me, and the fights... Alice, the fights were awful."

She took my hand.

"I said... the most horrible things to her. At first, I was just trying to bait her; to get her angry so be who she used to. But then it became less of trying to make her my Bella again, it became habit, and I was making her angry purposefully for seemingly no reason at all. I was... hurting her on purpose."

The knife twisted.

"Edward, have you two talked about counseling? Considered-"

"That's the thing!" I shouted, causing several other people to turn and look at us. "We never talked about anything, much less counseling! We were always too busy yelling at one another!" When the dam had broken and released all the pain and hurt in my heart, it left a hole. That hole was now being filled slowly with regret like a tide coming in. I breathed in. "I was spending every night away from home now. I told Bella I had to work, and sometimes I did. Sometimes I stayed at the office and got so ahead in my work I was voted Employee of the Month. Five times." I chuckled humorlessly at the irony.

Success. The thing that I thought had been the most important to me. To get it, I had sacrificed Bella, the _only _important thing to me. The thought made me sick.

"Things went from bad to worse." Alice was sitting in front of me, loosely holding my hand now. A bad sign. She was rigid, staring at me tightly. "Like I said, some nights I stayed at the office. But some nights... I didn't. There was a bar across the street from the office complex. I went there on occasion. And... there were women."

Before I could even finish, she had stood up with an abnormal force, knocking the chair back. Her hand came back and before I could think, there was a stinging burn across my cheek. My head whipped to the side and my eyes watered as the burn spread. I didn't even bother getting angry. I just hung my head in shame and tried to ignore the throbbing in both my face and heart as pain closed in on me like a tidal wave.

I barely noticed Alice walking away.

**-{***}-**

_It was late. I was tired, but I smiled in giddy excitement when I realized I would not be getting much sleep tonight. My hands tightened on the book I was holding as I tried to contain my joy. I wasn't reading a word on the page, but I had to pretend for both Bella's sake and mine. I was itching to put my hands on her, and if I didn't distract myself, I would be getting arrested the moment we landed for public indecency._

_Not that it wouldn't be worth every minute._

_I looked over at Bella from the corner of my eye. She was truly the most beautiful creature in the entire universe. Her hair was still curly and slightly pinned, but not overdone; it had been classy and appropriate at the ceremony, but a few pins had been loosened and while it was still appropriate for flight, she was sexier than she could ever imagine. Alice had put her into some outfit I knew she had had no say in, but somehow she seemed not to care. Navy in color, it was a modest dress that clung to her figure yet revealed nothing. It was something she never would have picked out herself, but even _she _seemed to know she looked beautiful in it. _

_And that was a hard feat._

_She had a soft smile on her full mouth, something similar to my own, as she flipped through her magazine. Suddenly, I was consumed with the urge to know what was going on in her mind at that exact moment. I _had _to know. Putting my book down, I looked around me quickly and stretched my arms. Then, when I knew her attention was again centered on the magazine, I gently brushed a curl away from her ear and placed my fingertips on her shoulder. I watched, delighted, as her skin broke out into goosebumps. _

_She was just as wound up as I was._

_I leaned in to whisper into her ear, "What is it you're smiling about?" before sucking her earlobe into my mouth and nipping it gently._

_My heart pounded, sending blood straight to my cock, when I heard her gasp. She shifted, recrossing her legs in a way that could only indicate arousal. I grinned like the Cheshire cat._

_"Well?"_

_I watched her cheeks color as she answered softly. Her voice shook. "Tonight."_

_"Hmm," I replied as I began to brush my fingers slowly across her shoulder. "What is it about tonight that has your cheeks pink and your skin covered in goosebumps?" I leaned in further to whisper lower. "And I'm sure you're wet as well."_

_She whimpered and my grin widened. My fingers expanded their path, circling her shoulder and tracing up her neck to her jawline. She was sitting near the window and I couldn't help but feel a tad wicked for thinking of at least five things I could do to her at that moment that no one would see. Lucky for her, I wasn't planning on doing any of them... yet._

_"Are you, baby?" I sucked on her earlobe again. "You can tell me."_

_She groaned. "Edward." My name was a strangled plea. "We're... we're on a plane. People will see."_

_I released her ear and traced the shell of it with my tongue. "No one can see anything, baby. Most people are asleep. Most lights are off. And you are sitting by the window."_

_My fingers were now on a path from her jaw down the front of her chest, and I was dangerously close to touching her breast and the nipple that I knew would be hard already. She was just so goddamn responsive. However, I was also dangerously close to losing control, so I only tortured her for a few moments longer. My lips worked their way across the side of her neck, kissing and nipping, until my hand finally came down to her breast. My lips whispered against the side of her mouth, and when I cupped her fully and her mouth opened in a gasp, I shoved my tongue inside. I kissed her ravenously for the second time that night- the first had been in the limo on the way to the airport, and I had been in much more control of myself then- and was more than excited when she kissed me back just as fiercely. I squeezed her softly and her hand came up to rest against my cheek. Her body twisted toward me, bringing her breasts in contact with my chest, and it took all the willpower I had to pull away._

_She whimpered. The sound went straight to my cock and I ran my thumb across her full lower lip._

_"Soon, sweetheart," I promised. "Very, very soon."_

_She swallowed and I brushed my fingers along her cheek. "Are you tired? Do you want to rest a bit before... we land?"_

_She shook her head and smiled. "I don't want to sleep." She ducked her head. "I'm afraid I'll wake up and... this won't be real."_

_I tipped her chin up. "It _is _real, love," I smiled. The reality of that statement made my heart hammer with joy. I could barely contain myself. "You are now Isabella Cullen."_

_Her eyes slid closed and she sighed. When she opened her eyes, they were full of a love and happiness that mirrored my own. She smiled one of the most radiant smiles I had ever seen; her eyes lit up like stars. I leaned in and kissed her softly._

_"I hadn't really thought of that before," she giggled. "Bella Cullen."_

_I chuckled with her and brushed her cheek. "Edward Swan."_

_She wrinkled her nose playfully. "Not as pretty."_

_I slid the armrest up and quickly unbuckled her seat-belt, pulling her across the row and into my lap. The stewardesses were all asleep, I was pretty sure- I hadn't seen one pass in at least two hours. And I was not going to last another minute without having her in my arms. I cradled her in my arms and buried my face between her shoulder and neck, placing a soft kiss there and nuzzling her. "I love you. Did you know that?"_

_She chuckled. "Well, I would hope that's what you were saying through all that 'til death do us part' mess."_

_"You're such a smart ass," I murmured against her skin before kissing her again. She laughed and leaned her head against mine. Her voice was soft and gentle. "Yes, I know. I love you, too." _

_That was all I needed in the entire world. In that moment, I forgot about everything else but her. School, my father, the pressures of needing to succeed, all of it was washed away by the scent of her hair and the softness of her skin. If the world were to end in a matter of seconds, I had everything I would ever need in my arms right now. I had no money in my pockets. My degree was still a two years away. The only thing I had was Bella, and I was blissfully content with that._

_We hit a bit of turbulence and Bella shrunk down in my lap, clinging to me. I could sense her fear and tightened my arms around her. "You're okay," I breathed. "I'm right here. I won't let you go."_

_The fasten seat belts sign flashed and I reluctantly helped her back into her seat, fastening her belt for her. I refused to let go of her though. Leaving the arm rest up, I slid over to her and wrapped an arm around her shoulder, clutching her hand tightly. She had a deathly fear of flying and it had taken all the poking and prodding I could muster to get her to fly with me to London. I cradled her head against my shoulder, leaning over to kiss her forehead and smoothing her hair away from her face occasionally. I would never let her go. _

_I would never let anything happen to her._

I awoke with a jolt. Somehow I had walked from the cafeteria back to Bella's room, but I did not remember any of it. I was seated uncomfortably in a chair, my head resting on the edge of her bed while held her tiny hand in mine. I hated seeing it the way it was; purple with bruises, swollen slightly. An IV had been inserted into the vein in her hand and the line twisted all the way up her arm to join a sickening array of other wires connected to bags and machines that hung above her. As my eyes settled back on her hand again, my eye caught on a sparkle on her fourth finger, and I realized with dismay that her wedding ring had been damaged in the accident. The large stone that had stood prominently in the middle of the engagement band had been snapped off. A few of the stones on the wedding band were missing. No longer did the platinum shine brightly, but it was scratched and darkened in areas.

I barely recognized her. Her head was wrapped in a large white bandage, her face was puffy and purple. Her eyes were shut. A tube ran from the side of her mouth- that once gorgeous, kissable mouth that was now split and scabbed on one side- and hooked up to a ventilator. My eyes traced down her figure as I noted more injuries. Her right arm was wrapped in a cast, as was her left leg. She looked so small in that bed, dwarfed by casts and the over-sized hospital gown. So delicate, so fragile.

So... breakable.

Glancing around the room in disgust, I took in the dismal furnishings. White walls. Steel machinery. One uncomfortable chair. Green curtains covering the windows. I wouldn't allow her to wake up to this. Lightly, so lightly I barely touched her, I brushed the side of her cheek. Her skin was not warm and pink, like usual. Now, it was cold and bruised. I winced as if someone were pressing on one of my own bruises. Emotion swelled within me. Standing up, I braced my hands on the mattress and leaned forward. Lightly, so lightly, I leaned forward and settled my lips on her forehead. Then I moved slightly and kissed her on the mouth. Instead of tasting like sunshine and honey, she tasted like rust and steel. My eyes closed and squeezed. I pulled back and gazed at her for a moment before I turned to leave the room.

As I walked down the hall, my phone buzzed in my pocket. I had forgotten it was there. Pulling it out, I recognized my boss's number.

"Edward Cullen," I answered.

"Where the _fuck _have you been?"

I chuckled humorlessly at the irony of the situation. This was the second time that day that I had been greeted this way.

"John, hi."

"Don't 'hi' me. Where are you?"

I sighed and pulled my hand down my face. "I'm at the hospital."

"Why?"

I sighed. "My wife was hit by a car yesterday. She's in a coma." There. Straight to the point, clear. There was no other way to communicate with him.

"I see. When's the earliest you can get here?"

I stopped cold. _Was he serious?_

"What do you mean?"

He shuffled some papers around. "Well, if I heard you correct, you said she was in a coma. Meaning she's not awake. So for the time being I need you in here to talk to some associates from Sweden. They're-"

"I'm not leaving this hospital."

There was silence.

"You're... what?"

"I'm not leaving my wife here. Get Cheney to deal with the Swedes."

There was a deafening silence for a moment, and then, "We will discuss this later." With that, he hung up.

I shook the shock off and hurried through the lobby. Seeing the nurse at the front desk, the same one that had been there yesterday, I hurried up to her. "Where's the closest flower shop?"

She smiled kindly. "There's one across the street," she replied. She glanced at her wristwatch. "You better hurry though. They close in about twenty minutes."

I darted out the door and across the street, ignoring the honks and curses as I J-walked across the busy street. Pushing the door open, ignoring the strong and overwhelming scent of flowers as I hurried over to the counter. I waited. And waited. And waited.

"Excuse me!" I called out.

There was a giggle as a tiny woman came from a back room, tying an apron around her waist. Her name-tag read Kate. I ignored the heated look she gave me as her eyes ran up and down. "Hi, sir, what can I do for you?" She smoothed her blonde hair back into her ponytail.

I was distracted by a man that emerged from the same room. He smoothed a hand over his shaved blond hair as he finished shrugging into a black leather jacket. He was wearing some ridiculous Def Leopard t-shirt and dirty jeans, a grease stain on one knee and a tear in the other. He walked up to the counter and pulled a vase of yellow roses from it. He winked at the woman.

"I'll see you later, Kate."

She giggled. "Bye, James."

The bell tingled as he walked out and she finally turned her attention back to me. "I'm sorry. What can I do for you?"

I cleared my throat. "I need purple flowers. Which kind do you have?"

She laughed. "Oh we have tons." She looked me up and down again. "Buying something for your girlfriend?"

I shook my head impatiently. "My wife."

Her face fell slightly and she silently walked around the counter and began showing me through the store. "We have these dark purple orchids. Very elegant. Perfect for-"

I shook my head. "Not that extravagant. Something that looks like wildflowers."

She snorted but coughed to cover it up. "We have daisies. Over here we have some purple asters, they just got in this morning. Um, I believe I have a few rhododendrons in the back. Oh, and here are some salvias..."

"I'll take all of them," I replied hastily. "Arrange them in a crystal vase. Can you do that?"

She nodded. "How many do you want?"

I spouted off a random number. "Four dozen."

She sputtered. "Four... okay?"

I checked my e-mail as she scurried through the store. Four e-mails from work. A terrified e-mail from Alice the night before. An angry e-mail from Alice the night before. Some junk...

The salesgirl announced that she was finished, and hastily I paid for the flowers and hurried out of the store. Again with the honks and curses as I hurried across the street, but again I ignored them. I rushed through the hospital, ignoring the looks given to me by nurses, doctors and visitors. I could not get to her room fast enough.

When I finally pushed the door open, I couldn't help but gasp in shock. Standing in the room, holding _my wife's _hand was the fucker from the flower shop across the street. The one in the black jacket. He was sitting in the same chair I had occupied not thirty minutes ago, smiling and talking with my sister. When she heard the door open, Alice turned to me, her friendly smile dissolving quickly into one of pure fury. Only I knew the difference. She glared at me.

"Edward," she bit out. "This is James. He says he knows Bella."

* * *

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: A little bit of love for Valentine's Day. More flashbacks to come, because I want it to be known how happy they were at one point. So I hope you enjoyed them!**

**Lots of symbolism in this chapter- the broken wedding ring, the purple flowers, etcetera. I'd be interested to hear your thoughts.**

**As always, reviews are very much appreciated. Let me know what you think!**


	5. Cover the Mirrors

**CHAPTER FIVE - COVER THE MIRRORS**

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: To all of you that have waited so patiently, my greatest thanks and appreciation. It has been a while, and I'm so so so sorry. I have a rather large paper due at school that counts as my graduation requirements, and unfortunately, school has to take precedence. However, I've got most of the nitty gritty behind me and can focus on writing again. Lucky lucky. Take notice of the song, as always, it's important. Another author's note at the end! Enjoy!**

**E:**

Search for the answers I knew all along,  
I lost myself,  
We all fall down.  
Never the wiser of what I've become,  
Alone I stand,  
A broken man.

All I have is one last chance.  
I won't turn my back on you.  
Take my hand, drag me down.  
If you fall then I will too.  
And I can't save what's left of you.

Sing something new,  
I have nothing left,  
I can't face the dark without you.  
There's nothing left to lose,  
The fight never ends,  
I can't face the dark without you.

**B:**

Follow me under and pull me apart,  
I understand,  
There's nothing left.  
Pain so familiar and close to the heart,  
No more, no less,  
I won't forget.

Come back down, save yourself,  
I can't find my way to you.  
And I can't bear to face the truth.

Sing something new  
I have nothing left,  
I can't face the dark without you.  
There's nothing left to lose,  
The fight never ends,  
I can't face the dark without you.

I wanted to forgive,  
I'm trying to forget.

**E:**

Don't leave me here again.  
I am with you, forever, the end.

Sing something new  
I have nothing left,  
I can't face the dark without you.  
There's nothing left to lose,  
The fight never ends,  
I can't face the dark without you.

**B:**

Holding the hand that holds me down,  
I forgive you, forget you, the end.  
Holding the hand that holds me down,

I forgive you, forget you, the end.

-_Without You_by Breaking Benjamin

**EPOV**

I didn't like him.

There was something about the man that made the hair on the back of my neck rise and my fingers itch to curl into a fist. My teeth snapped closed audibly as my entire body stiffened, and I could feel Alice's eyes on me, burning holes into my skin. But I didn't meet her gaze. My eyes were focused on the sketchy guy standing over Bella, staring at her. His eyes held some sort of emotion, and though I couldn't exactly place my finger on it, it was not one I was comfortable with. Barely noticing the palpable tension in the room, he raised a finger and lightly brushed her cheek.

I was going to fucking kill him.

I opened my mouth to tell him to get his hands the fuck away when Alice made her way to the door. "I'm going to call Carlisle," she said at me. "Update him on Bella's status."

"He knows?"

She whipped her head around, her steely blue eyes hard and cold. "Yes," she snapped. "He knows more than you do. Imagine that."

She slammed the door closed behind her, leaving me and the man alone in a room. While he was busy eye-fucking my comatose wife, I assessed him quickly. Greasy jeans and a fucking Def Leopard t-shirt. Probably one of the people from the orchestra. Or even, Jesus Christ, one of her admirers. I took a step toward him.

"Who are you?"

He looked up. "James," he said, extending his hand. "Who are you?"

I extended my hand. "Edward Cullen."

I expected him to give some sort of reaction to the name, but he didn't even flinched. He reached forward, grasped my hand and pumped it twice. "Pleasure to meet you." He was too... suave. He held himself with the air of a man with the world at his feet, when he looked like he barely had two dimes to rub together. He was too sure of himself, too calm. Looking at him and his beady eyes, he reminded me or a crouched panther. Watching. Waiting. Stalking.

I realized that I still held an obnoxiously large bouquet of flowers in my hand, and as I looked over at the table in the corner, I noticed with disdain that vase of one dozen yellow roses sat on it. My distaste for this man heightened. My flowers were supposed to be there, not his cheap-ass pity pansies that he probably got for free because he fucked the flourist. Ignoring him for a moment, I walked over to the table and placed my flowers down strategically in front of his so that when she woke up she would see them.

_Take that, cock-sucker._

I turned back to him to find him looking at Bella again. The anger that was scorching through my veins was beginning to leak to the surface like a giant bruise, and if he didn't take his eyes and hands off of her, I would tackle him to the floor and beat him to within an inch of his life and he would find himself on a gurney on the way to the OR in a full body cast while awaiting facial reconstructive surgery. And _he_ would be covered in bruises.

I cleared my throat. "How do you know Bella?"

He looked over at me. I saw a flash of a wicked, predatory glint in his amber eyes and my blood froze. Instantly, it was covered by a shade of sympathy. "We work together."

There was something dangerous in his eyes; something feral and lethal. The longer I was in the room with him, the more I saw, and the more on edge I became. Though he tried to cover it up with light euphamisms and a carefree demeanor, there was something raw and dark beneath his light exterior. And it was something that was disturbing me more and more.

"At the diner?" I asked.

He nodded. "Yeah," he said, running a hand over his hair. "She's one of my waitresses."

_One of my waitresses?_

"So you...?"

"I own the place."

_Fuck._

Bella had known this man for years, and I had never even heard about him. She had seen him damn near every day, and I had never heard his name before. Immediately, a sense of unease settled within the pit of my stomach and I had the urge to tell him to shut the hell up and leave. I didn't want to hear him say anything about Bella, because it would only drive the stake further into my heart. The one that proved that seemingly everyone in the world knew more about my own wife than I did. The one that said I was a shitty husband. The one that reminded me that my marriage was over. The one that painfully emphasized that Bella did not want me anymore.

"... and I came in to help out a little. I think I may have... been the last one to... see her. Before she..."

_Fuck fuck fuck shit fuck. I don't want to hear this. Please, shut the fuck up._

I was being tortured, and he had no idea. My soul was being scorched, burned from the inside out and he had absolutely no idea. My eyes were screaming my pain at him, but he wasn't looking at me anymore. He was looking at Bella, and it only continued to fuel the fire. He bore on, relentless.

"She was a mess yesterday, a real basketcase. It was like her soul had been sucked out. Screwed up three orders, dumped a tray of food. Then she goes running out into the alley, ballistic about something or other. She's crying all over the place, barely making any sort of sense, saying something about how she and her man weren't getting along. He was cheating on her and she didn't feel good enough for him or something. But I mean, she's like, an angel. There was no way she should be treated like that. I felt bad for her, man. I didn't really know how to help her out, but I tried. And we... sort of got carried away..."

In that moment, I felt such an onslaught of emotion it was crippling. I felt my knees were going to give out underneath me. First, I was seized by such an intense rage that I could feel all the way in my veins, pumping through me like fire. And then there was a jealousy so black I was blinded and could barely keep myself from screaming. My heart twisted in agony and then shattered into a million pieces. This was all followed by an incredible sadness and emptiness, one I had never felt before in my life. I felt alone and numb and empty. My eyes squeezed shut and my jaw clenched against the pain and I pinched the bridge of my nose. If he could tell what I was going through, he didn't say anything.

What he did say was this: "I'm sorry, how do you know Bella again?"

I took a deep, steadying breath. I opened my mouth, but no sound came out. I tried again, but still to no avail. I couldn't find my voice. The tension in the room was palpable and I could have cut through it with my teeth. Finally, I was able to formulate an answer.

"I'm her-"

I was cut off by a harsh ring, and he reached into his pocket, signifying he had an incoming call. Looking at the caller ID, he frowned slightly.

"Hey baby... no, I'm fine... yeah, just at the hospital... no, not me, I'm fine... just a friend... okay, I'll be home soon... yes, alright... fine. I love you too..."

He snapped his phone closed and stuck it in his pocket. He looked ovre at me, smiling slightly and sticking his hand out again. "It's been a treat, but I'm afraid I have to leave. The old lady beckons. Nice to meet you, um..."

"Edward," I reminded him. I grasped his hand, but it was nowhere near as firm as it had been earlier. I could barely muster enough strength to keep myself standing.

"Edward," he repeated. He turned toward the door, stopped, and turned toward Bella. Leaning down, he brushed a quick kiss on her cheek and whispered something in her ear before pulling the door open and leaving. It was best; had he stayed a moment longer, I would have killed him then and there. Not only had he implied that he had sex with my wife, who was lying in a coma on a bed right in front of him, but he kissed her in my presence. He kissed _my_wife.

While I was struggling to get something out earlier, I could no longer hold anything in. As soon as the door swung closed, I let out a roar that rivaled some of my most epic temper tantrums. I paced around the room like a caged lion, ripping my hair from the roots as I raked my hands through it, trying to find any sort of medium to channel my anger into without breaking the hospital furniture.

"God_damn_it, Bella!" I screamed, angry at her but angry at myself even more. "How the hell could you do it? Was it to get back at me? Huh? Is that what this has led to? You're playing games with me now?"

I was yelling right into her face, but she didn't even flinch. Her eyes remained swollen and closed. The heart monitor continued to beep unwaivering.

"Fucking wake up and answer me! Goddamn you!"

I collapsed to the floor, sliding along the wall as I exhausted my energy. "I _never_ did it to hurt you, Bella. Those women? I didn't know a single one of them. I never called them back. It was always a one-night escape. I _always_ came home to you. Had I known it was hurting you _so_much, I would have stopped. But how was I supposed to know, huh? You shut down on me the minute we fucking moved here! The fire that I loved so much about you went out, and you were like a shadow. A fucking moving corpse. You would barely look at me, let alone talk to me, and when you did, it was constant bitching and nagging and whining and complaining. Nothing was ever good enough! But I _never_did_any_ of it to hurt you."

I was growing more and more furious with her by the minute. She continued to lay there, defenseless. Not fighting me back, not defending herself, just laying there. Surrendering.

"And then you go and get hit by a fucking car! Of all the thousands of times I've told you to watch where you're walking because of how clumsy you can be... You can take yourself away from me emotionally; fine. But you _cannot_take yourself away from me physically. I won't allow it!" Still, no response. "Fucking wake up!" I screamed at her. "Fight back! Show me _something_! Goddamn it, for once in our miserable marriage, show me _something!"_

I couldn't breathe. I choked on words and air as I sobbed incoherently, moans mixing in with phrases that meant nothing to begin with because she wasn't awake to hear them.

"I loved you so much," I cried. "I would have fucking done anything for you... I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, and make babies with you... And watch them grow up and have babies of their own... I still would, but you don't want me... You're throwing me away, just like _they_ did... you _promised_me you wouldn't. Bella, you _promised_!"

At that moment the door opened, and I looked up to see Alice walk slowly through the door. She looked down at me, a mixture of pity, sympathy and a hint of anger still left in her eyes. She knelt down in front of me and took my hands.

"Edward, visiting hours are over," she said softly. She brushed a few errant strands of hair away from my face. "Let's go back to your apartment, get you some fresh clothes. Take a shower, eat something. And we can talk for as long as you want to-"

"Alice, I don't want to leave her."

She looked at me sadly. "You can't leave someone who's already left."

**-{***}-**

Back at the apartment, I couldn't think straight. I had never noticed it before, but she was everywhere. In the shower, I had to move her strawberry shampoo that sat in front of my body wash. In the bedoom, a pair of her jeans lay haphazardly on the floor near the hamper. Normally, I would have picked them up and put them in the dirty laundry, but my obsessive compulsiveness could wait. Her jeans would stay there until she came home and moved them herself.

The kitchen was full of Bella. A book of her favorite recipes lay open on the kitchen counter, flipped open to her grandmother's beef stroganoff. I could taste it on my tongue now. The bowl of granola from breakfast sat unwashed in the sink. Her newspaper and pen still sat on the breakfast bar. A picture we had taken together at a party in college sat, framed, on the counter. One of her hair ties had been wrapped around the faucet- she hated wearing her hair down when she cooked.

"Alice, do you want any tea?"

She nodded, sitting very calmly on the bar stool next to the one Bella had sat in that morning. As I sat a kettle on the stove, I pictured her that morning. Hair in a messy bun on her head, her small fingers massaging her neck. I looked over, hoping to see her sitting there, by some miracle. I longed to see her smile, or to see her eyes light up. To see her look at me the same way she used to, like she could see my soul, and liked what she saw. Like she couldn't wait for us to be finished with whatever it was we were doing so we could crawl into bed together and hold each other. Like she would be perfectly happy with me forever.

It wasn't until the kettle began to whistle that I realized my cheeks were wet.

Wiping my face, I grabbed Alice a china tea cup from one of the sets Bella had collected, and poured the tea. Walking around next to her, I sat down and rested my head in my folded arms.

I was surprised when I felt her fingernails gently scratching my scalp. It had been something Esme used to do to me when I was younger, when I missed my biological mother. I was four or five, and she would just hold me in her arms when I woke up crying from a nightmare and would rub my scalp for hours. Alice had picked up on it, and though she was my baby sister, she could sometimes comfort me better than Esme could.

Right now was a good example.

She spoke softly. "I'm sorry I reacted so harshly toward you today Edward."

I nodded.

She sighed. "I don't know what's going on with you too, so I'm not going to pretend that I do. I heard you talking to her earlier, and I realized that I never really gave you a chance to tell me. I'm your sister; I should support you. I just... I don't understand. You were so great together in high school and college. You seemed so happy, so in love. We all thought you two would last forever-"

"I know, Alice," I mumbled tiredly. "I thought we would too."

"Oh, Edward," she sighed. "Tell me what happened?"

"I told you already, Alice," I said. I was drained. I wanted to sleep. I wanted to wake up and know that this whole day was a dream.

She continued to run her hands through my hair. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Dont leave me here alone," I said. My voice cracked. "I... I won't be able to... to stand it. I'd kill myself."

"Stop being dramatic," she chastised gently. "I'll make myself a bed on the couch. Where are your sheets?"

"In the closet by the bathroom."

She stood up and placed a kiss on the back of my head. Softly, she whispered, "It will be okay, Edward. I know it seems bleak right now, but Bella will come through. And you two will work things out."

I only wished I could be as optimistic as she was.

I lay in our bed that night, missing her for the first time in a long time. I held her pillow close to me, my nose glued to it as I inhaled her scent like an addict. The scent heightened as the pillow grew damp throughout the night, and at times it was difficult to breathe, but I refused to let go.

And when she woke up, I would refuse to let _her_ go too.

_I was running late._

_As usual._

_I gave up any hope or trying to get a seat in the front row anymore. Since we had moved here, she'd attracted a much larger fanbase than the one she had playing for the Forks High Orchestra. Our auditorium fitted around two hundred. The auditorium she was playing in tonight seated twenty thousand. Not like I was surprised._

_I had always known she would make it._

_I urged the cab driver to step on it, hoping that I could make it before the doors closed. On the seat next to me sat an arrangement of purple flowers, many of which I didn't even know the name. I had asked the flourist to use only purple flowers; I wanted to show her I was proud of her But it was also more than that. When we had gone to the meadow for the first time, when I told her I loved her, it was filled with purple wildflowers. I was trying, very subtly, to remind her of happier times and that I loved her, no matter what we were going through. I tried, as often as I could, to remind her in this way. There was a bouquet of purple flowers on the dining room table._

_Whether she got it or not was beyond me. She had closed in on herself even more in the last few months, so much so that she barely seemed to notice when I walked through the front door anymore. She was always locked up in her studio practicing something for another recital, or reading a book for the hundredth time in the library. We barely ate meals together anymore. We barely spoke._

_I was hoping that tonight that would change. As a soloist, she would have her own dressing room in the back of the recital hall. I would go there after the show, deliver the flowers, give her the necklace I had bought her and then take her out to dinner. I had reservations at nine at_Poco a Poco_, an exclusive fondue restaurant that served everything possible under the sun with chocolate. We had gone to a restaurant very similar when we had been in England, and I was hoping that this would bring back memories and we could rekindle the fire that used to be there._

_Arriving at the recital hall, I pulled on my trenchcoat and leather gloves, grabbed my briefcase and flowers and headed up to the ticket booth. I got the best seat I could with five tickets let and hurried inside. Spotting a young usher, I asked quickly, "Hi, my name is Edward Cullen. I was wondering if you could take these to Isabella Cullen's dressing room?"_

_The man looked at me skeptically before I stuffed a hundred dollars into his hand. "Please. It's very important. Say they were from me."_

_With a sly grin, the man responded, "Of course," and turned and walked away. The lights began to flash, and I quickly found another usher, took a program and found my seat. Bella had been practicing for this for weeks. I thought she sounded flawless, but she always found something to critique and change. I was interested to see her play tonight. I wanted to know what the final product sounded light._

_The biography in the program was short and succinct; despite being in the middle of local media attention, Bella had always appreciated privacy and attempted to shield as much as possible about her personal life from the public eye. However, I was stunned to see that there was no mention of her marriage to me anywhere. In all of the programs before, she had dedicated her performance to me. However now, my name was mentioned nowhere. Neither was her marriage to me, for that matter._

_Deeply disturbed, I watched the curtain slide open to reveal an entire orchestra, clad in black and white. They all sat, poised, ready to play at a single flick of the baton. The stage lights came up, dim, and a spotlight focused on Bella who sat on a chair in the middle of the stage, slightly to the left of the conductor. Her violin was resting in her lap, her hands folded on top of it, her face angled down. Her hair had been coiled tightly into a spinster bun, and the dress she wore was sharp and harsh and reached the floor. It was black, with a lace neck and lace wrist-length sleeves that, while it could have been sexy, gave her a grieving, funereal look. Her eye make-up was heavy, so dark that I couldn't see her eyes._

_The show started with Albinoni's Adagio in G minor, and when the conductor raised his baton, Bella's head snapped up sharply, every angle of her jaw and cheek reflected in the light so as to give her a waxy, plastic look. She raised her violin slowly, and I could feel the audience's collective inhale. She positioned the instrument, raised her bow, and softly began to play._

_I was gripped from the beginning. When the orchestra finished the Adagio, they paused for a clap before beginning Rachmaninoff's Vocalise. Out of all the songs she played that night, that was the one that disturbed me the most. Her arms moved in large, drifting motions and her eyes closed as she fully immersed herself in the music. She rocked back and forth from time to time, and to everyone watching seemed completely transported to another world; one of depression and hopelessness. She conveyed a suffering and pain so deep that it brought me to tears. I clung to the armrests, trying with all my might not to let my emotion show. My heart pounded straight through Bach's Chaconne and Chopin's Nocture, and by the time the show ended, I was on my feet clapping and crying, just like everyone else._

_She smiled solemnly, her eyes seeming to search the crowd for something. I wanted to stand up and yell, 'I'm here, baby. I'm right here, you did so well.' But she wouldn't have heard me. Giving up, she took a small bow and stepped over the red roses that were thrown onto the stage. Ignoring the thunderous applause, she walked off stage left, allowing the orchestra to soak up the praise that was directed at her. Seizing my opportunity, I scurried around people and out of the row, flew down the aisle and went around backstage._

_I hurried down the hallway, past violinists and cellists that were walking offstage. After inquiring as to where Bella's room was, I was directed to a room off to the left. Excited, I made my way to the door._

_What I saw when I got there stopped my heart cold._

_There were countless end tables and flat surfaces covered in bouquets of flowers, but none of them holding mine. Bella sat on a couch, her head in her hands, shoulders heaving. In one of those hands was a stack of cards that had come from the flowers._

_She had been looking for mine._

_Her dress hung from her like a drooping petal, and I watched her crumple from dark elegance to forlorn distress. I ached for her, longed to go into that room and wrap my arms around her and ask her why she felt like this. Why she was in so much pain. But I was immobile. My feet refused to move. My heart broke into a million pieces._

_People shoved past me, other orchestra members, and crowded into the room. Seeing that there was no room for me, I turned and went into the audience, struggling to keep a reign on my emotions. Finding the first man I could, I walked up to him. "Here," I said, shoving the black velvet jewelry box into his hand. "Give this to your wife. Mine doesn't like emeralds anyway." He could tell that something was wrong, it was clear on his face. However, I just smiled at him, turned on my heel and strode away._

_In the cab again on my way home I stared out the window at the snow that had begun to fall. I hadn't even attempted to stay for the reception. Normally, I found her afterward and accompanied her, but I just couldn't find it in myself to do it this time. I told the cab driver to take me back to the office, where I would attempt to work out my frustration on the phone with clients and sorting through grueling stacks of revenue sheets and profit margins._

_I allowed myself to cry for one of the last times. I cried the whole way there._

I drifted in and out of consciousness throughout the night, barely sleeping for more than thirty minutes at a time. There was too much in my head and heart to allow myself any sleep. Whereas I had been so dead and numb that morning, now I was a pack of raw nerves. I tossed and turned as adrenaline coursed through my body, refusing to let up. There were times when it became so much that I thought I would throw up, but then I would fall asleep and be hit with another jolt to wake me up.

By the time morning came, I could add exhaustion to the mix of emotions. A pink light filtered through the bedroom window and I dragged myself out of bed, changing into a pair cotton drawstring pants and an old Forks High baseball t-shirt. I would have to call the office eventually, to tell them I wasn't working. Someone would be there now, if I wanted them to take a message, but I didn't have the strength to pick up the phone. I wandered out into the kitchen.

Alice was sitting at the bar, skimming through a magazine. She had a bag of pastries next to her and was sipping on a steaming latte.

"Good morning," she said, looking up at me.

I merely nodded.

"Didn't you sleep?" she asked, her voice tinted with concern.

I shrugged.

She sighed. "Here, drink this." She held up a coffee for me.

I shook my head. "I don't need any caffeine, Alice. I'm tired, not dead."

She scowled at me, and I immediately felt bad for being harsh. Relenting, I took the coffee from her.

"Emmett called this morning," she said as she handed me a croissant from the bag. "He and Rose just boarded a connection in Chicago and expect to be here in a few hours. Jasper's on his way over too. I talked to Carlisle and Esme last night and they said they would be over as soon as Carlisle found a break in surgery. He said he didn't have anything scheduled after two and would have his schedule cleared for a few days."

Great. The last thing I wanted to do was bring my whole family to New York from Washington, only to tell them that when Bella woke up, our marriage was over.

Carlisle would laugh in my face.

I sat down next to her, my head in my hands. "What time is it?"

"Almost seven," she responded. She rubbed my back gently. "How are you feeling?"

"Like hell," I whispered.

"It's going to be okay," she responded.

"You don't know that. This whole time, I've been thinking about how _when_she wakes up, our marriage will end. But what if she doesn't wake up, Alice? What if... what if I'm going to turn into one of those spouses that has to give the order to the doctor to pull the plug? I can't do that Alice. I'm responsible for how our marriage has ended, but I will _not_be responsible for how her life ends. This whole time, I've been concerned with having to live with not being her husband anymore. But I never paused to think that she may not wake up from this. And I... I can't..."

She held me while I cried, rubbing my back and whispering her attempts at consolation.

"Sometimes life throws us curveballs to get us back on track," she said finally. "Sometimes, things have to happen in order for us to look at what we were doing before and change. I think that's what this is. You can't think about it the way that you are, you will drive yourself mad. Bella _will_come back, and she _will_try to work things out with you. That's the Bella I know. We just have to go through hell to get there. And that's what we're doing right now. We just have to wait it out."

"How can you be so calm?"

She sighed. "Edward, yesterday I was the most angry at you I've ever been. Including the time you wrecked my car and vomitted all over my dress at Prom. In the hospital yesterday, I went through a whole pack of cigarettes to distract myself from walking right back into that room and kicking your ass. _Yesterday_ I wasn't calm. But I talked to Jasper and he helped me work through what I was feeling. Believe me, it wasn't easy, we both want to kill you. But being angry at you right now isn't going to help anyone. It won't bring Bella back, and as long as she's still... indisposed, we can't fix your marriage either. So I'm going to support you as best I can right now. And when she wakes up..._then_I'll kick your ass."

"Alice-"

She shook her head, silencing me. "Edward, it's hard for me too right now. I could lose a best friend and a sister. But I'm wasting too much energy being angry at you. What you did was stupid and juvenile and cruel, but I don't want to waste time on that right now. We're both scared. So I think right now we just need to help each other."

I was silent for a minute.

"Can I talk to you about it?" I sounded five years old.

We sat at the counter for at least an hour as I told her everything. I went from the beginning of our honeymoon all the way up to the day she was hit. I told her everything I could until she silenced me with a hand, telling me she didn't want to hear more and to move on to the next part. I told her about the good times and the bad. The few loving moments we had and all the fights. I told her about how I couldn't stand her, but I couldn't stand being without her either.

"I just didn't know what to do anymore," I said quietly. "I wanted to fight for her but I just can't find it in me anymore. It was so much easier to just escape. When I was with the other women, I could just pretend that I was living someone else's life. I didn't have to come home to hell. For a few hours, I could forget about how awful things turned out. I didn't come home because I couldn't stand to see the disappointment and hollowness in her eyes anymore. I failed her, Alice. I vowed on our wedding day to do everything in my power to make her happy. And I couldn't. The worst part of that is I couldn't stand coming home and looking her in the eyes with that knowledge. That I wasn't good enough. That I couldn't be enough for her."

"That's still not justification for-"

"I _know_!" I moaned. "God, do you think I'm fucking telling you all this so you can criticize me? If you're just doing this so you can tell me how much I've fucked up and what a bastard I am, you can go camp out at the hospital. That's the last thing I need right now-"

"Let me finish!" she interjected, cutting me off. She sighed. "Edward, you're only human. Did you ever try to talk to Bella about any of this?"

I shook my head. "Every time we talked, it turned into a fight."

"So you have no idea why she's unhappy?"

I shook my head vehemently. "If I had known, I would have moved heaven and hell to fix it. But things just went from bad to worse and we couldn't even be in the same room without hurting each other anymore. It all spiraled out of control."

She seemed to think things over for a minute. "Maybe... maybe you should come back to Forks? You could stay in my house, Jasper and I have to go to California for a few months anyway. He's working on a movie and I need to promote my new line. Oh, Edward, it would be wonderful! You could spend Christmas with the family. Esme would love that. And you can meet Emmett and Rosalie's daugher Haley, she's the most precious thing. And you could-"

"Alice, I can't."

She deflated.

"I have a life here. I can't just quit everything and start all over."

Her voice was soft, but carried a strong intensity. "You did it when you and Bella moved here. Why can't you come home and do it there?"

**-{***}-**

Alice and I were sitting in the hospital cafeteria eating lunch that she had gone out and brought back when my brother and his wife arrived. I noticed them right away. Emmett's large frame took up the doorframe, forcing Rosalie to walk in behind him. I hadn't seen him in years, and was surprised to see such a change in him. I had expected him to show up in jeans and a t-shirt, but he walked through the door in slacks and a button down Oxford shirt. Rosalie looked... frosted as usual, wearing some icy blue dress that made her eyes look like crystals. The seized all the attention in the room, people stopping in the middle of their conversations to stare at the Seattle Seahawks linebacker and his trophy wife.

They spotted us and hurried to the table. Alice jumped up at Emmett, barely able to wrap her arms all the way around him. I hugged Rosalie, trying to ignore the awkwardness between us. Rosalie had never liked me much, and had always made it a point to make it painfully obvious. However now, she seemed to be keeping her normal hostility under wraps.

"How are you doing, Edward?"

I shook my head. "It's been a long few days."

Emmett moved over to me. "Alice filled us in. How you holding up?"

"I'm not."

I grasped Emmett's hand and shook it before he pulled me into a hug. I felt unordinarily close to him in that moment, and he seemed to comfort me in almost as much Alice did. While she was motherly and affectionate, Emmett seemed to be eminate a sort of power and support that gave me strength enough to face almost anything. In those moments I realized how much I had missed my family and how much I needed them. On the verge of breaking down again, I offered to take them to see Bella.

I tried to act as normal as possible walking down the hallway. "How's football going, Emmett?"

He grinned at me. "The best thing that's ever happened to me," and, after catching a glare from Rosalie, he added, "besides Rose."

"You're in Seattle now?"

He nodded. "The Bears were trying to negotiate a contract with me, but I just couldn't leave home. We bought a house in Forks with the signing bonus the Seahawks gave me, then bought another house in Seattle. That's where we stay during the season, then we come home during the off-season."

"And Rosalie's okay with that?"

He nodded. "She's the one that suggested it. Real ball-buster that one is. Told me if I signed with any other team, she'd divorce me on the spot." I winced, my stomach hitting the floor. He continued. "Course, I didn't really have any problem staying in Washington. I love it there."

I nodded. I had too.

"What about you?" he asked. "How are things going with you and Bella? Rose and I watched her on TV. She seemed to be doing really well."

His use of past-tense did not escape me. I squirmed.

"Things have been... strained. But we're hoping to work through it."

He patted me on the back. "Of course you will. You're fucking _Edward and Bella_. You guys were born to be together. As soon as she wakes up, everything will work out."

We went into the room, and I was pleasantly surprised to see some of the swelling had gone down. Her color was better too. One of the nurses has washed her, cleaning away all of the dried blood and she looked infinitely better. More alive, if that were possible. The bandage around her head was clean and white. Some of the bruises had faded. I had the urge to kiss her, but I held back for sake of not wanting to disturb her. I turned to look at my family.

Rose was crying softly, leaning into Emmett's side and covering her mouth with her hand. Emmett himself looked to be on the verge of tears, but locked his jaw firm againd held Rose tightly.

"Has the doctor said anything?" he asked gruffly.

"Not today," I answered. "When she came in the day before yesterday. She had a haemotoma and a lot of swelling, but they operated successfully and are just waiting for her to come out of the coma."

"That's... that's a good thing, right?" Emmett asked.

My heart constricted. "She might not wake up, Emmett."

Rose uttered a strangled cry and he coughed to cover up one of his own. "What are her chances?"

"He didn't say. She's doing well though, according to her doctors."

"Well then that's something to be thankful for, right?"

"There's more, Emmett," Alice said quietly.

"More?" Rosalie cried. "How can there be more? She's fucking brain dead!"

I winced. "She broke her wrist. Doctor..." I cleared my throat. "Doctor Banner doesn't think she'll be able to play violin again."

"Fucking hell," Emmett whispered. "And there's... there's nothing they can do?"

I shook my head. "We just have to wait for her to wake up."

"She doesn't need anything? A kidney, bone marrow? None of that shit? I'll give some if she needs it."

Despite of myself, I chuckled. "No, not that we know of yet. She's had enough blood transfusions for now, and the doctor will let us know if she needs anything more. I'll make sure to let you know."

There was a silence as everyone stood over her, watching her, praying that by some miracle she would open her eyes. I had never wanted something so much in my life. Alice reached down to grab her hand. There was no sound except for Rosalie's sniffle.

The silence was broken by a cell phone.

"Sorry, just let me turn this off," Emmett said, hastily digging through his pockets.

"No, it's fine," I said. "Take it if you need to. We'll be here for a while."

He excused himself into the hallway, and moments later Rose and Alice left to go get some coffee and catch up. Thankfully, I was left alone in the room with Bella.

I sat down on the chair next to her. Learning forward, I tenderly whispered in her ear. I took her hand.

"I'm sorry for yelling at you yesterday, baby. I was angry, but I had no right. I will be here, waiting for you. I just need you to wake up. Emmett and Rosalie are here now, and they're both so sad. Carlisle and Esme and Jasper are on their way too," I added, brushing against the top of her hand with my thumb. "I know how much you hate hurting them. Wouldn't be a nice surprise if you were awake when they got here? Please, baby, I know you can do it. Please, baby, wake up for me."

**BPOV**

..."Please, baby, wake up for me"...

... voice is so pretty...

... want to see him...

... love him so much, miss him...

... don't cry. Don't be sad...

... miss you so much...

... Edward...

... want to. Trying so hard...

... so tired...

I had seen light. I was pushing my way toward the surface... kicking so hard... but I hit a wave and was sucked under again... The water pushed me back down, deeper than I had been before... Away from light... Away from Edward... I was so tired...

... back into darkness...

I sank back down.

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: Again, I am so sorry for the delay. I am going to work harder and try to get more chapters out quicker to make up for it. We've brought in more characters, so things are about to get more interesting. Leave me a review, make my day. Thoughts? Questions? Flames?**


	6. The Cursed King

**CHAPTER SIX - THE CURSED KING**

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: To foxylady1on1, YankeeDiva, Mari94 and everyone else that has reviewed: If I could hug you, I would. If you're comfortable with a kiss, I'd give you one of those too. I appreciate the feedback and commentary more than you know. I'm hoping this chapter isn't too bad for you. It's not got all of the angst and emotion that the story usually does; you all deserve a break for a chapter ;) Next chapter may be a while; I want it to be just right. But it's coming. Enjoy! (and remember to check out my profile for the link to the story playlist)**Everyone wants to be loved,  
Every once in a while.  
We all need someone to hold onto,  
Just like a helpless child.  
Can you whisper in my ear?  
Let me know it's alright.  
It's been a long time coming down this road.  
And now I know what I've been waiting for.  
And like a lonely highway I'm trying to get home.  
Oh love's been a long time coming.

_-Long Time Coming _by Oliver James

* * *

**EPOV**

I stood up from beside her, regretfully needing to go back to my family. I leaned down and pressed a kiss to her forehead, my lips lingering longer than necessary. I hated the putrid smell of disinfectant and cotton that rose from her skin. She was supposed to smell like strawberries, not surgery. Strawberries and sunshine and summer, not scalpels and saline and soap. Sighing, I brushed her cheek, noting the pale, sickly hue of her skin. God, I missed her blush. And her eyes. And her smile and her laugh. When she woke up and was well enough to leave the hospital, I was taking her for a weekend at the beach. She needed to get some sun, and she needed to smile and live a little.

Taking one last long look at her, I turned and opened the door, stepping out into the hallway.

It took only a second, but that whole second felt like a lifetime.

I turned to my right to make my way back to the cafeteria, where my family would be waiting. Something was coming toward my face. Fast. And unfortunately, I didn't see it in time, because almost instantly my view was white. All I could see was a blinding white light that hurt my eyes, but I couldn't close them. Searing pain shot through my face as flesh collided with steel so hard that I fell to the floor. I couldn't help by cry out in agony as I landed on my wrist and white-hot pain shot up through my arm to my face causing my eyes to water and my nose to sting. All I could hear was a faint buzzing, and something began to trickle down from above my eye. The sharp smell of rust told me it was blood.

I tried desperately to open my eyes, but I couldn't. I tried and tried and was finally able to open my right eye, only to see Emmett cowering over me. His voice was soft with quiet rage as he spit down at me,

"Alice may understand how you're feeling and she may want to try to comfort you. But I don't understand, and I certainly won't try to comfort you. Not after what you've done. You're a coward, Edward. A mother fucking coward, and that's something I cannot respect. As a matter of fact, it makes me sick. Now, because of you, that girl," he pointed a trembling finger toward Bella's door, "is between life and death and I have half a mind to believe it was your fault. She has done everything you've ever asked her and more, including move away from her family and friends to be with you. She does _not_ deserve being in there. _You_ do though, and right now, I have half a fucking mind to put you there."

I tried to sit up, leaning on my damaged wrist. Pain. That was all that existed.

By the time I made it into a sitting position, Emmett was already halfway down the hall, barrelling towards the double doors. He pushed through them with such a force that they banged against the walls, even with the pressure stops attached to them. Swiping my fingers across my forehead, I discovered that I was bleeding. A lot. The sight made me queasy.

"Mr. Cullen!" someone called out. I couldn't understand why there were cotton balls in my ears.

"Mr. Cullen!" _If you weren't so far away, I could hear you better. Come closer_.

"Edward!" Doctor Banner was kneeling down in front of me, his cool fingers on my forehead a stark contrast to the scorching heat that had engulfed my face. It confused me how quickly he had gotten there. I could have sworn he was yelling at me from the other side of the hospital.

"Tim," he called. "We've got a deep head laceration. Help me get Mr. Cullen to the ER and get me a suture kit."

I could have stood on my own... if they would have just given me a minute to find where my legs were. I just... I needed a minute. I couldn't feel them. But I wasn't given a minute. I was lifted to my feet by the very strong arms of young nurse Tim and practically carried to the elevator while firm fingers were prodding at the cut on my head and Doctor Banner tried to talk around the buzzing. It was so fucking aggravating. I didn't know why he couldn't hear it too. Why he was trying so hard to ignore it and piss me off with his incessant rambling.

He was asking me all sorts of questions. Did I feel nauseous? Tired? Did I have a headache? Was I hungry?

"Yeah, get me some lobster rolls. I could _really _go for some of those right now. With tons of butter and mayonnaise and salt."

They only ignored me. I was 'carried' into the Emergency Room, around pregnant women and crying children into a room with a cot, a TV, a few chairs and a shit ton of steel. Clear drawers filled with scalpels and needles and clamps and forceps and various other instruments that made me feel like I was a rat in a scientist's lab rather than a guy with a scratch on his forehead. I snickered at the thought. A rat. That's what I was now. Well, I would take that over being a coward. At least rats had bravery enough to go after the cheese in the traps before getting their necks snapped in half.

I was helped onto a bed but winced when I braced myself on my wrist. Doctor Banner glanced at it briefly before addressing Tim again. "We'll have to get that taken care of too. Get the equipment ready, I can stitch him up. Once we get the bleeding stopped then we can work on the wrist."

Tim nodded and left the room as Doctor Banner began to spread out equipment on the bed next to me.

"I saw what happened."

The buzzing was beginning to fade. So was my delirium.

I was still irritated. _Well, great work Sherlock. Were you planning to step in and help at all? Or did you enjoy watching me get my lights knocked out?_

"Do you want to press charges?"

I shook my head.

"I figured. It's a good thing. I'd hate to be the reason my son's favorite football star Emmett Cullen went to prison. But, I'm sure you understand. I had to double check, for legal procedures."

"I _know_ what the legal procedures are," I snapped. _Yeah, and maybe now your son's favorite _Daddy_ will go to prison for not doing his job properly. _

It was a stretch, but still. I was on a war-path and completely pissed off. One wrong word and his head was going to roll.

He squirted a syringe up into the cut, causing blood and water to run down my face and into my eyes. No caution, no forewarning, just squirt. This was a different Doctor Banner than the one that had taken care of Bella. He had been meticulous, courteous and caring. He tossed _me_ around, however, like a rag doll, and from the way he was going about dressing the cut, he probably assumed I felt as much as a doll did too.

He squirted some gel onto a swab and coated it with a gloved finger. "Numbing gel," he informed me. "You're going to need a few stitches."

"He must have hit me pretty hard."

Doctor Banner raised an eyebrow. "Son, I have never seen anyone come at a person with the force Mr. Cullen did. Even when he's on the football field. Did you not see where you landed?"

I shook my head. _Sorry, I remember having been a little more preoccupied from blinding pain than to notice how many feet I flew back. But next time I'll be sure to check_.

Emmett and I had been in a few tussles before, so I was pretty sure it had been a good distance.

"Well, anyway," Doctor Banner continued. "Hold still, Mr. Cullen. This shouldn't hurt, but if it does, let me know."

He raised the needle and began his work. My skin had gone numb and was void of any feeling, including the heat that had been there a few moments ago. I felt oddly calm, despite a huge hooked needle being jabbed into my face by a not-so-caring-anymore doctor. There was something soothing about his motions, however, and the silent stillness of the room and I felt my irritation slowly ebbing away. I focused on breathing deeply, watching the second hand tick by on the clock that hung on the wall.

The silence was shattered by an angry, high-pitched shriek from outside the door.

"For the love of God, Emmett!" The voice yelled. "This is turning into a motherfucking _Grey's Anatomy _episode!"

The door swung open and in stepped a fiery Rosalie Hale, a perfect contradiction to the ice queen she had been earlier. Hands on her hips, she stood in the doorway while Doctor Banner continued to stitch along the side of my face. I turned my eyes toward her.

"Edward, what the hell did you do?"

My mouth fell open slightly in shock. "What did _I _do? Rose, I'm sitting on a fucking gurney in the Emergency Room getting my face stitched up because I got the shit beat out of me. What does it look like I did?"

She rolled her eyes and folded her arms across her chest. "Stop being such a melodramatic _child_," she spat. "Emmett has never been so furious in the fifteen years that I've known him and the nine that I've been married to him. I leave the cafeteria for five minutes to use the restroom and then I come back to find out my husband has a broken knuckle because he punched his brother in the face. In a _hospital! _Only you have the capability to piss him off that much, and I'd like to know what you did so I will now how to deal with him."

This was not something I particularly wanted to discuss in front of Doctor Banner. He was already too privy to information about my private life, and it wasn't something I was all too comfortable with. The fact that he watched me get my face beat in without so much as trying to stop it meant that he knew enough to form a judgment about me and my situation, and that was something I was not okay with. Glaring at her, I bit out through tight lips, "I will discuss it with you later."

She stepped into the room and walked up to me, getting as close to my face as she could without disturbing Doctor Banner. "Listen to me, Edward Cullen," she threatened, her voice a low hiss. "I don't know Bella as well as you and Alice and Emmett, but I didn't have to know her _that _well to understand why your family loves her so much. Emmett cares as much about her as he does his own damn sister, and if he cares about her then I do too. I've never liked you much, but because I liked her I gave you the benefit of the doubt. But if I find out you had anything to do with her accident, I will not stop at putting you in a hospital bed like my husband will. I will put you in a fucking coffin. Do you understand me?"

After that grand exit line, she turned on her expensive Prada heel. Pausing, she dramatically flipped her glossy hair over her shoulder and called back to me, "Alice wanted me to tell you that Jasper is here." And with that she marched off, leaving a very tense and awkward silence in her wake. Doctor Banner finished the stitches in silence and disposed of his materials. He blotted the area of the cut with a disinfectant and then handed my a mirror. There was a neat line running almost half the length of my eyebrow. It was stitched but I was fairly certain it would leave a scar. _Great,_ I thought. _One more reminder of this whole wretched ordeal. _

Banner paged Tim and left the room. I reached into my pocket and pulled out my cell phone. _Odd. _I had seventeen missed calls and twelve text messages, all of which I had not felt the buzz for. Scanning through the lists, I saw the majority of phone calls were from coworkers at the office and a few were from Alice. Ignoring her requests for my attention, I called the office back.

"Let me speak to John," I demanded coldly of his secretary Jane. She put me on hold. I tried not to scream.

"John Hoyt," he answered cordially.

"It's Edward," I bit out.

He exhaled. "Look, Edward." It already didn't sound good. "I've got to lay down the law here. You've skipped out on work two days in a row."

I tried very hard to reign in my temper. "Because my wife is in the hospital!"

"And there's nothing you can fucking do about it!" he barked. "She's in a coma, not delivering your baby. I understand that you want to be with her, but face the facts. She isn't awake right now and you are needed here."

"Fuck you." My voice was low and sounded menacing, even to me.

"If that's how you want it." He sighed. "Edward, you're one of my best employees. Really, you are. You bring in a good profit and the clients like you. You're a good guy too. Hell, _I _like you." My anger was slowly beginning to rise. "But if you don't get down here within the hour, I will find someone else to do your job at half the pay. I can't afford to have employees just waltzing out whenever they want like they run the place!"

I fought to keep my voice low. "You think this is just an excuse for me to take a few days off? You think I want to be here? This isn't a fucking vacation, John. This is a matter of whether or not my wife will be fucking alive tomorrow morning!"

He sighed. "Edward, I'm sorry. This is a cut-throat business, and it's time to play hardball. You've got one hour. If you don't get here, I give someone else your job."

He hung up with a loud click, and in a moment of unconfined rage I threw my iPhone at the wall. Unfortunately, Apple makes products that don't break, and the stupid thing slid to the floor with an unsatisfying thud. I wouldn't be surprised if there wasn't even a crack on the screen. Defeated, I placed my head in my hands only to shout in pain as I placed pressure on my wrist.

"God fucking dammit!" I yelled. I picked up the first thing I saw, a bottle of the numbing gel that Doctor Banner had left on the bed, and threw _it _at the wall too. It hit with a satisfying crunch, and I watched as the gel oozed down the wall and landed in a puddle on the floor.

Tim came rushing in at that moment, his eyes wide. "That shit's expensive," he murmured.

"Stick it on my bill. I need to get out of here."

He nodded. We're just going to take you down to X-ray then get you fixed up and send you on your way."

I shook my head vehemently. "No. No X-rays."

"I'm sorry Mr. Cullen, but Doctor Banner said-"

"I don't give a fuck about what the doctor said!" I snapped. I made a move to stand up. "Wrap my wrist up and leave it at that. Shit, I could do it myself if you just show me where the Ace bandages are."

"There's no need for that," Tim protested. "Just hold still."

**-{***}-**

I threw my sling away the moment Jasper and I walked through the sliding doors. He raised an eyebrow at me.

"You can cut the tough guy act now, Edward."

I rolled my eyes. "It's a nuisance."

He chuckled. "From what I hear, you're the one that's been a nuisance lately."

I huffed. "Nuisance is a bit of an understatement."

He grinned at me. "Okay, fine. You've been an asinine prick-fuck with his head up his pussy."

"That's a bit more accurate."

We ended up at Central Park after walking for a few hours, and I did everything I could to keep my mind off of what was going on outside the park. Once deep enough inside of it, it was easy to forget the life you lived and just lose yourself in the trees and foliage. I tried, though futilely, to forget about the drama at the hospital. I tried to ignore the anxiety building up in my gut, constantly reminding me I had lost my job. While I had known I would not step another foot in that office, even before John picked up the phone, it was still a lot to digest. I tried to pretend that I hadn't gotten my ass beat by my brother, but the constant dull ache behind my eye and the wary stares I received reminded me that he had, in fact, punched me, and I had a huge gash on my forehead to prove it.

I stuffed my fist in my pocket, letting my damaged hand hang limp. Jasper and I walked slowly along the path.

"How did he even pack a punch hard enough to split your face in half?"

I sighed and shook my head. "It's that damn Super Bowl ring he always wears. I swear, he's going to be buried with that thing. Six years and he still hasn't taken it off. I bet he hasn't even taken it off to shower."

Jasper didn't laugh. "He's going to retire soon, you know."

I tried not to show surprise. I should have known this.

"He's coming up on thirty-three," Jasper said. "He had two knee replacement surgeries in the past three years. After next season, he's done."

I couldn't wrap my mind around the concept that Emmett wouldn't be playing football anymore. Ever since I could remember, down from being five years old and tossing the ball with him in the backyard, football had been his life. He had been in rec leagues before high school, and the second he stepped foot on the field his freshman year, it was the only thing that mattered. Not grades or money or popularity or girls. It was just himself and the football in his world.

He went straight to the Varsity team and enjoyed a good three years, being MVP almost every month consecutively. Then he damaged his knee in a bad tackle and had to sit his Senior season out. He spent most of his time in rehab, and that was when he met Rose. In college he got back onto the team and then his life was about two things; Rose and the Rose Bowl. After that, everything was a blur. He was signed his third year of college, proposed to Rose and I saw him on TV a few months later. Then he won the Super Bowl and everything went uphill from there.

Emmett without football was like living without air.

"Well..." I stuttered. "Shit."

Jasper sighed. "I know. It sucks."

"You've been the master of understatements today."

We walked on for a few minutes in silence.

"Did I do the right thing?" I asked, pushing past the lump in my throat.

"When?" Jasper asked warily.

"When I moved Bella up here."

He sighed. "I don't know, man. Did you ever ask _her_ if you did the right thing?"

I thought for a moment, the lump rising higher in my throat and threatening to block my air supply. I shook my head. "No. I barely asked her anything ever. She and I barely spoke."

"Well that would be your first clue."

I sighed and raked my hand through my hair. "But I wanted to do what was best for her. I... I thought that moving up here would be best for her..."

"No, Edward," Jasper cut in. "You did what was best for you."

We stopped in front of a small pond. I sat down on a large patch of grass, not caring about the stains on my pants. I braced my elbows on my raised knees. I tried desperately to explain. "I wanted to give her a good home. I wanted us to build a life together."

Jasper sat down next to me. "One different than the life you had already built together in Forks?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well," he said, picking up a rock and skipping it across the water. "Bella always seemed really happy in Forks. She was in her element. You guys seemed to have a good groove going. And then you moved out here, and we started hearing from her less and less. We didn't see her at all except for on TV, and when we watched her recitals, she always looked so sad. So lost. She had been happy in Forks. I am pretty sure that was where she wanted to be."

"But I... we couldn't have stayed in Forks. I would have proven him right!"

"Look, bro," Jasper said. He tossed another rock. "Carlisle is a hardass, I'll give you that. But..." He seemed lost in thought for a moment before his eyes lit up. "Hey, did Berty make you guys read Sophocles?"

I nodded in frustration. "Yes, but I don't see what the hell Junior year English has to do with this."

"Shut the fuck up for a second," Jasper said. "How much do you remember of Oedipus the King?"

I thought for a second. "He killed his father and married his mother."

He shook his head in frustration. "Deeper than that."

I rolled my eyes. "Jasper, I don't have time for this shit. Please get to the point."

"Jesus Christ, for someone fairly intellectual, you're dumber than a motherfucking box of rocks."

"There's no point to what you're trying to say!"

He seemed to be growing as frustrated as I was. "I'm trying to help you, you asshole. Either sit and listen or sit still while I beat your ass. Because it's either or right now, my friend."

"Fine," I grumbled.

"Look, I remember how hard Carlisle pushed you. I didn't think it was fair, but it wasn't my place to say anything. It still isn't. I can only try and help you with this. So just listen. Oedipus got his shit handed to him because he was trying to run from fate. Do you remember that part?"

"Vaguely."

He shook his head in exasperation. "Fate told him that he would kill his father and marry his mother. Disgusted, he ran away from his "parents" and their home to Thebes. He ran an old guy off the road, solved a riddle and married the queen of the city. He became King, had three or four kids and was prosperous for a good amount of time. He thought he had succeeded in running from fate. Only then he discovered that the parents he had grown up with were his adoptive parents, and he had in fact killed his father and married his mother. Then his wife-mother killed herself and he stabbed out his eyes."

"God, I hate Greek tragedies," I mumbled.

"The point is," Jasper said in exasperation. "He thought he could outsmart fate and succeed in proving her wrong, when in reality he failed even worse than if he had just stayed home and not tried."

I was starting to catch on. "So you're saying I'm Oedipus?"

"Exactly. While you didn't marry your mother or anything- thank God, because that would have been nasty; Esme, I apologize- you did the same thing. You tried to prove Carlisle wrong. You succeeded for a while, made tons of money and did really well. But you still failed. You lost Bella."

"Thanks for the support," I said sarcastically. He could go fuck himself. I hadn't lost her yet. She would still wake up and everything would be okay.

"I'm not done," he snapped. "You still have a shot. You can still turn this whole thing around. Oedipus... well, he... oh, fuck him. Basically he was screwed whichever way he went. But you're not. You can still save this whole thing. You just have to wait for her to wake up."

"Then what do I do, oh wise and philosophical one?"

He shrugged and stood up. "Fuck if I know," he responded offhandedly. "I let Alice call the shots so I don't get caught up in this kind of shit. It's too dramatic."

I stood up and walked with him the way we had come. "How pissed is she at me?" I asked.

"Who, Alice?"

I nodded.

"I've never seen her that mad. And believe me, I've been my fair share of stupid."

I sighed, my shoulders drooping. "Great. Shit, Jasper, I'm sorry you have to deal with that."

He scoffed. "Don't apologize to me. Apologize to the kid. All this stress and shit isn't good for my offspring."

I stopped dead in the middle of the path. "Offspring?"

He turned to me and stopped, his face pale. "Shit. She didn't tell you?"

I shook my head slowly.

"Goddammit. She was supposed to tell you. Fuck, Alice is going to kill me."

It didn't take us long to make it back to the hospital. I was partially running the whole way, needing to see Alice and confirm what Jasper had said. I was torn between going straight to Bella's room to see if there had been any improvement and looking for Alice, so I could both congratulate her and kill her. However, once I got there I realized that I hadn't been with Bella all afternoon. I was gripped with a nearly paralyzing panic as I contemplated all the things that could have gone wrong in my absence. My decision didn't take two seconds and, foregoing the elevator, I quickly ran up the stairs and down the hall to her room.

Upon opening the door, I saw Doctor Banner along with three nurses crowded around her bed. My breath stopped in my throat. _No,_ I thought to myself. _No, please. Oh please, not again._ I could barely make my feet move. Nervously, I made my way slowly into the room. They were reading over charts and throwing around numbers and letters that I couldn't even begin to try to understand. My heart was pounding as I made my way over to them. Her heart monitor was still beeping steadily, but as I glanced at it, I saw that the palpitations were closer together. Her heart was beating faster.

"Doctor?"

He looked over at me, and for the first time since I had seen him at this hospital, he smiled. An ear-to-ear, radiant smile.

"One of the nurses saw her open her eyes," he said.

My heart stopped all together.

"What... what does that mean?"

He laughed. "It means, son, there is a very real possibility she will wake up. Very soon."

The joy that exploded in my chest nearly knocked me over. I couldn't hold back a silent scream of victory, and before I could stop myself I was hugging everyone in the room, kissing and shaking hands with anyone I could get my hands on. A few of the nurses blushed, and one of them looked like she had just committed a major sin. I didn't care. I was laughing and crying all at the same time, and so overwhelmed with pure, unadulterated happiness that I could not contain it. I felt like jumping from my skin.

Running from the room, I ran through the hospital looking for someone, anyone that I was related too. I spotted Alice standing outside in a courtyard, and for a brief moment, my bliss was momentarily stalled. I deflated.

"What the fuck are you doing smoking?"

"What do you mean, what the fuck am I doing smoking? I'm enjoying a cigarette, thank you very much. A rather expensive one too. I believe I have earned one, after having put up with your shit for the past few days."

"It's not good for the baby!" I shouted.

She was stunned. "The... what?"

"The baby," I said sternly. "Jasper told me. Put the damn cigarette out before I do it for you."

She hesitated for a moment, and then with a scowl she threw the cigarette to the ground and stubbed it with her heel. She began walking for the doors. "I'm going to fucking kill him!" she yelled, throwing her hands up in the air. The dainty little pixie that had been present over the past few days was gone and replaced by a demonic dervish. "The _one _time I ask him to keep something quiet for a few days and the _first _thing he does is-"

I reached out and grabbed her hand. "Alice! Stop. Hang on a second."

She began tugging at my grip. "I need to go find my husband so I can-"

"It's Bella," I panted. She stopped immediately.

"What about her?"

I couldn't keep the smile from my face. I felt like a cloud had been lifted and I was filled with sunshine through and through. I couldn't stop from laughing and the tears started again before I gathered her into my arms and squeezed her tightly.

"She's awake, Alice. Oh God, she's awake."

* * *

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: Like I said, next chapter up soon. Let me know what you think!**


	7. Hideous

**CHAPTER SEVEN – Hideous**

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: This chapter is dedicated to theisis70. My thoughts and prayers are with you, I hope everything is going well. I apologize for such a late update; after school and papers and illness and illegal music downloading, I am finally back on track. More on the bottom.**

When you go,  
Would you have the guts to say,  
I don't love you  
Like I loved you yesterday.

- _I Don't Love You _by My Chemical Romance

**BPOV**

* * *

The light was so bright that it burned. The second I opened my eyes I snapped them closed again, wanting to go back to sleep. Waking up had been a bad idea. I thought it would be a good thing, that I would wake up to the same silent peace that I had previously been immersed in. That it would be just like the movies; I would have no trouble at all coming back to life. It would be easy, comfortable. Just like waking from a long sleep.

But life is no movie and I was quickly and painfully reminded of this fact. I was surrounded by noise and pain and bright lights. I felt like the inside my head was full of cotton and there was a line of searing fire from ear to ear. My limbs felt numb and weightless. Waking up had been pointless. I wanted to go back to sleep and sink pleasantly into that quiet abyss. It had been peaceful there. It had been _silent. _

There was some beeping noise in the distance that wouldn't stop, and it made me want to... to...

... dammit, I wanted to sleep. Wake up and come back to Edward, to hell with that. I wanted the ocean back. I wanted silence and solace and _peace._ God, my head hurt...

... Someone was poking around my face. I didn't like it, it hurt. Like they were pressing really hard on a fresh bruise. I winced and heard a slight intake of breath.

"Ms. Swan? Bella? Can you hear me?"

No. Shut up. Your voice is too loud, it's hurting my ears. Go away. I don't want to... wait. Ms. Swan?...

... There was something heavy wrapped around my head. Like a... oh, dammit, what were those things called?... turbans? Sounds funny...

... "You said she was awake!" snapped a very familiar, very velvety voice. "Her eyes aren't open, she hasn't even moved since I last saw her ten minutes ago. What the fuck kind of—"

"Watch yourself," a strange voice warned. "I said that there was a _possibility_ she would wake up. That a nurse saw her open her eyes. But I didn't say she was awake."

"Semantics," the familiar voice said again. He sounded so familiar. So...

... My leg itched but I couldn't muster enough energy to lean down and scratch it. Some people were talking in the background and I wanted to tell them to shut up. Their incessant mumbling sounded like a knee knife... I mean bee hive?... and it was getting on my nerves. I wanted to sleep and they were keeping me awake. It was so frustrating. I opened my mouth to say something, but I felt like a roll of paper towels had been shoved down my esophagus. I couldn't speak around it but I couldn't swallow it.

I didn't need to. As soon as I opened my mouth a hush fell over the room. That was odd. Oh well, at least they shut up now...

... "How long is it going to take? It's been two hours and I have to pee!" This voice was soft and high-pitched. Definitely familiar.

"Don't tell me that's the baby already..." This was a different voice. Not so velvety. More deep and husky. Slightly familiar.

There was a thud and a muffled grunt. The pixie voice spoke again. "I've had four bottles of water over the past two hours. I was _going_ to pee before this false alarm, and now I don't want to go and miss anything."

"That's bull-shit Alice speak for 'the baby's pushing on my bladder.'" Another different voice. An accent. Southern?

_Alice. _

_Baby?_

There was another thud. "You jackass. It's the size of a motherfucking grape. It's not pressing on anything. My _bladder _is fine."

"Cue the hormones..." Deep and husky again.

_Baby?..._

... I was being poked with something. It hurt. I didn't want to be poked anymore.

My body felt sloshy, like it was full of liquid. I smelled of salt and some other disgustingly clean smell that made my nose wrinkle. And I had to pee. _Very _badly. I tried to find my feet so I could get up and go to the bathroom, only I couldn't feel them. _Odd. _

Reluctantly I gave up on the notion of going back to sleep, because that just wasn't going to happen. Internally, I sighed. Sleep had been blissful. Quiet. And now it was time to face the world. A world of turmoil and noise.

I slowly opened my eyes. It was a process; they were heavy and felt dry. The light was bright, but slowly, my eyes adjusted. As they did, I took in my surroundings. The room was stark white, which probably contributed to the brightness. There were some purple flowers on a table, but I didn't know what they were for. A TV hung on the wall across from my feet, but it was off. There was still that annoying beeping noise in the background...

There was activity off to my left, and I slowly moved my eyes over to the corner of the room where a group of five people stood. Two blonds, a man and a woman, and a brunette man that was facing away from me. From the back I couldn't recognize them. But one man was facing me, his eyes trained on my face with such an intensity I felt my heart thump against my ribs painfully. They were the emerald eyes of a tortured angel. I'd recognize them anywhere.

_Edward._

My heart pounded in a mixture of nerves and anxiety. He was so beautiful it hurt. Our eyes met and held in an unbreakable gaze. He didn't say anything, didn't smile or show any reaction. He just stared at me, his face void of emotion. My heart continued to hammer, but now there was a different pain. Not just physical, but some other hurt buried in my heart and was beginning to surface, so acutely that I grimaced. Tears pricked at the back of my eyes, burning the dry surface.

Why wouldn't he come to me? Why didn't he smile?

The next few seconds passed by quickly. When I finally tore my eyes from Edward's, I began to take in the other people of the group. The next face I recognized, Alice's, suddenly broke into a radiant smile and tears began to instantly fall down her cheeks. Then they all turned around and slowly, I recognized them. Rosalie, Emmett, Jasper.

They all moved very fast. Alice raced over to my side of the bed and grabbed my hand, crying and smiling and rambling on about something to do with my hair, which I didn't understand at all.

Emmett and Rosalie stood at the foot of the bed, holding each other and smiling at me; Emmett's grin took up his whole face while Rosalie smiled hesitantly. Beautifully, but hesitantly.

Jasper came up behind Alice, wrapping an arm around her waist and saying a soft, "Welcome back, Bella."

The last person to come over was Edward. He was hesitant, standing at the corner of the bed and silent as a lamb. There was a soft, small, sad smile on his face, but it did not reach his eyes. This confused me. _Why wouldn't he come to me?_ I stared into his eyes, trying to decipher the sadness and despair there. I gasped at the dark green hue, which still shocked me even after having been married for years. It didn't seem natural for a human to have eyes that color; two brilliant emeralds shining from his angelic face that was too beautiful to look at. It was almost as if a painter had conjured him up, or God had sent his favorite angel to Earth. Biology wasn't enough to explain it.

Another person came up to my right, someone I didn't recognize. Looking over, I saw a man with gray hair in a lab coat. The name on his breast pocket said "Dr. William Banner, Neurologist."

_Neurologist? What the hell did I need a neurologist for?_

Then, so slowly, it dawned on me. The puzzle pieces slowly began to fall into place.

I was in a hospital.

And then, like potassium chloride, adrenaline and terror swept through my veins, racing to my heart at a crippling pace.

The beeping sped up as my heart began to pound harder. My eyes began to dart around frantically and everything began to click. The disgusting smell. The liquid in my body. I looked down at my arms and saw the needles and tubes attached to the arm on the left, the large cast wrapped around the right. I suddenly felt faint, my vision blurring and my head growing light.

My heart continued to thrum in horror.

In a panic, reached down and began ripping at the tape with my free hand as best I could despite the cast. I had managed to peel it back before my arms were being restrained. That only scared me more and I began to hyperventilate in terror. I struggled, frantically trying to pull my hands away from the doctor's grasp.

"Bella, Bella, Bella," Alice whispered, wiping the tears away from my face with her hands. "Calm down. You're okay, honey. No one is going to hurt you. You're alright."

The doctor was talking to me too. "Ms. Swan, I need you to calm down. I'm not trying to hurt you, you need to calm down so we can run some tests and assess..."

This only made me struggle harder. Tests for what? I didn't want tests. I wanted to go home. I wanted to shower the disgusting smell off of me and I wanted to curl up in my bed and go back to sleep and wake up from this nightmare. I wanted...

Alice let go of my hand and a firmer, cooler one held onto my fingers. The room went silent. "Isabella," the velvety voice commanded firmly. My eyes snapped over to see Edward lifting my hand to his face, resting my palm against his cheek. His fingers stroked against the back of my hand. He turned his head and pressed his lips against the inside of my wrist and then looked back at me. His eyes were no longer empty. They mirrored a small amount of the panic I had just felt, along with some other emotion I couldn't name. It looked like a mixture of anger and anxiety, but with an incredible amount of firmness. I was helpless but to obey his silent demand.

Slowly, my body stilled. He spoke again. His voice was soft now, gentle. Cautious.

"Sweetheart, you need to calm down."

Staring into his eyes, my heart began to slow down. I calmed slightly.

"Ms. Swan?" the doctor asked.

I turned to him. My brow furrowed. "My name is Bella Cullen."

He frowned. "Bella, do you remember anything that happened?"

"Anything that happened when?" I asked. He was confusing me. "Why am I here?"

He looked over at Alice and the others. "Do you think you could give me a moment alone with Mr. Cullen and Ms. Swan?"

"Mrs. Cullen," I insisted with a frown.

Why was he calling me Ms. Swan? I hadn't been called by that name since high school. Edward and I had been married for six years. I had been Mrs. Edward Cullen for six years.

They left the room, all looking more somber than they had been moments before. This angered me. Why was he sending my friends away? Why was he making them sad? What the hell was going on?

"Ms. Swan, I understand things may be a little unclear to you right now..."

"My name is Bella Cullen! Edward, tell him!"

His eyes fluttered closed. "Bella, hush."

My eyes flitted from the doctor then back to Edward. "Edward, what's going on?"

"Baby, listen to the doctor," he said softly. He kissed to top of my hand.

My brow furrowed. I didn't understand. Why wouldn't he answer me? Edward was always honest with me. Why was he avoiding the answer? What wasn't he telling me?

"Ms. Swan..."

"My name is Bella Cullen!" I cried. "Why won't you believe me? My name is Isabella Cullen. I married Edward Cullen in 2004. We've lived together for the past six years. My last name is Cullen! Edward," I pleaded. "Tell him!"

He should be getting as mad as I was. The Edward I knew would be furious; may have even demanded another doctor. But Edward was passive now, ignoring my protests. It made me furious.

It scared me.

"Short-term memory loss is common," Doctor Banner said to Edward. "It's just the effects of the surgery. Her memory should return within the next week. We'd like to keep her—"

"Stop!" I yelled. "Stop talking like I'm not here! I'm right here!" I felt the tears well up in my eyes again and my voice shook. "Please," I cried. "What's... why am I here? What's wrong with me?" I hated how weak my voice sounded. I wanted to be firm, make them tell me. But my voice shook and cracked.

_Typical._

I looked over to Edward, begging him. Begging him to help me, to comfort me, to hold me. To love me. His eyes were sad and wet, and when they met mine, he closed them slowly. When they opened, they were so full of emotion that I gasped. He was heart-broken, his eyes so sad and tortured that I couldn't breathe.

I wanted to ease his hurt, to wipe that look from his face and I struggled to sit up in the bed.

He placed a hand on my shoulder and lightly pushed me back.

"Edward?"

He wiped a hand down his face and a strangled sob fell from his lips and he squeezed his eyes shut. "Bella... baby," he brought a hand down and trailed it slowly from the crown of my forehead, down my cheek to my chin. He cupped it softly in his hand and tilted my head up. "I love you," he whispered. He exhaled quickly. "I always have."

My heart thumped erratically. I smiled. I opened my mouth to respond but he placed two fingers over my lips.

"Bella..." he sighed and squeezed his eyes shut. He took a deep, shaky breath. When he opened his eyes again, they were empty and lifeless. "There was a robbery. You were walking past and got... pushed into the street. You … you were.. . hit by a taxi a few days ago. They... they brought you here to the hospital and... you went into a coma. There was... bleeding in your brain and they had to perform surgery to get rid of it. You've been..."

I didn't hear the rest of what he said. The doctor chimed in at some point, but I didn't hear him either. Lips were moving but my ears registered no sound. I was deaf to what I didn't want to hear. I was numb to what I didn't want to feel. I stared at them, my eyes flicking back and forth between the two of them, unseeing. Their forms blurred in front of my eyes. I stopped breathing.

_Squeal. Pop. Crunch._

Hearing a girl talk about sleeping with a man that had red hair and was named Edward. Devastation.

_Squeal. Pop. Crunch._

The manilla folder that I left out on the coffee table that contained the divorce papers. Finality.

_Squeal. Pop. Crunch._

Leaving the apartment, crushed and defeated. A struggle.

_Squeal. Pop. Crunch._

The air pushing through my hair and the euphoric feeling of freedom for the first time. Flying.

_Squeal. Pop. Crunch._

I looked up at Edward, who was still gazing down at me. His eyes had emptied again. He was completely void, completely cold. The expression on his face when I woke up. That same empty expression that I had came home to me some nights. When he chose to come home at all.

Everything was clicking into place yet again, and this time my stomach turned in revulsion.

The beautiful, tortured angel in front of me was not there because he was concerned about my state of being. In fact, I was surprised he was there at all. He was not being tortured because his wife was lying on a bed, strapped up to a bunch of machines. He was being tortured because he could have been divorced already and on his way to another woman. But I had made him wait.

It was about the divorce papers; he was waiting until I woke up so he could provide his division of the assets and inform me of the court date and then be on his way.

Slowly, I pulled my hand from his grip and was relieved when he let it go easily. Turning his eyes away from me, he looked back at Doctor Banner, crossing his arms tightly over his chest and expressing nothing.

I could not listen to the doctor though. My ears were ringing, but not from any sort of head trauma. My blood pressure had spiked and was rushing through my veins so quickly I could hear it in my ears. My face was hot and I could feel tears flooding the back of my eyes.

Everything came rushing back in a crippling onslaught. The fights, the lonely nights, the cheating, our ruined marriage. The hurt flashed before my heart like photographs in front of my eyes. I remembered them so well now, so easily. My chest tightened painfully and my heart constricted. Then, slowly, the tearing began.

I couldn't handle _looking_ at him. I couldn't stand to be surrounded by his all-too-familiar cologne and stoic demeanor. I couldn't stand to be _in the same room_ with him.

"Edward," I whispered. He looked down at me. He seemed wary, hesitant. He knew what was coming. "You... I... I can't..." Finally, I garnered the strength to say it. "You need to leave."

His eyes flitted closed, and when he opened they were full of pain again. Doctor Banner, however, began speaking in a different tone. "Bella, I'd advise you not to do anything rash at the moment." He glanced down at the monitor anxiously. "Your blood pressure is rising and I don't want you to have a stroke. Please, calm down."

"Get out, Edward," I said in a slightly louder voice. Being able to say it put me on a high I'd never experienced. I plane without an engine. It was invigorating. The volume continued of my voice continued to escalate. "Get out. Get out. GET OUT!"

The hint of a sob tore from his throat, which he covered with a cough. I deflated briefly. For a moment, a moment more brief than colliding with a taxi, I wanted to call him back, open the blankets to him and bury into his arms. To be _his_ Bella once again.

But I couldn't do that.

Couldn't _be _that.

Not anymore.

I was not his Bella and he was not my Edward. We never could be. We were no longer just Bella and Edward in our own private world. It was Bella and Edward and the sleaze from the bar. Or Bella and Edward and the boss's secretary. Or Bella and Edward and half of New York.

I could no longer be _his _Bella anymore.

A single tear fell from his eye as he turned to walk away, and he didn't even move to brush it away. He opened the door and turned to look at me one last time. "Bella..." he choked. He was pleading with me, but I was far from hearing it. My heart yanked apart, breaking one final time as I reiterated myself with one final scream.

"_Leave!_"

As the door swung closed, I crashed to the ground, my wings breaking beneath me. I was no longer flying high. I could no longer hold back the tears that my eyes were swimming in. The dam burst and they began to fall down my face, faster and faster. I couldn't hold back the shaking of my shoulders, and every moment or so, a soft sob would echo through the room. My heart felt like it was shredding to a million pieces in that very moment, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. So I let the tears fall.

Doctor Banner did his best to console me, but even he gave up after a few minutes. He went to the door and turned to me, saying, "I'll give you a few minutes alone. But then we need to discuss further plans of action."

I nodded, but I didn't want to talk about further plans of action. At the moment they didn't matter to me. I could die in this hospital bed for all I cared. I could stay hooked up to the damn ventilator for the rest of my life. I didn't really have a life anymore anyway. Edward and I were terminating our marriage. The man I loved, the one I had built my life around was leaving, tearing and ripping through what was left

The tears continued to flow unceasingly.

Alice came into the room slowly, peering at me with nervous eyes. Slowly, she approached my bed and took my hand in hers again.

"Oh, Bella."

I let a few more tears escape before I wiped at them with the back of my hand, which tugged at the tubes, reminding me all too strongly of their presence. I sighed angrily and began pulling at them again. Alice pulled at my hands. "Bella, stop."

My voice got very soft. "I want out of here, Alice."

I could see it in her eyes. She knew exactly what I was talking about. She knew I didn't mean that I wanted out of the bed, out of the hospital. She knew that I wanted out of New York and out of the life I had created.

Her voice lowered as well, soothing. "I know you do, Bella. But you can't. Not yet."

My heart thrummed painfully, bringing on another wave of tears. My nostrils flared in an effort to keep them welled up. I didn't want her to see how much this was effecting me. He _was_ her brother, after all. She shouldn't have to choose sides. Although I wasn't sure if she and I were on the same page. For all she knew, we were just fighting.

"Do you really want to do it?" she asked.

Edward must have told her. We were on the exact same page.

"I... I can't talk about it." I hated how weak I sounded. Hated how my voice cracked. "Not yet."

She nodded sympathetically.

"Do you remember what happened?"

I nodded. "Vaguely."

"Do you remember coming in to the hospital?"

_Squeal. Pop. Crunch._

Being loaded and strapped onto a gurney, someone reading off numbers and letters. Racing.

_Squeal. Pop. Crunch._

Loaded off of an ambulance, loud sounds and rushing. Panic.

_Squeal. Pop. Crunch._

Being pumped with sickly sweet smelling liquids and solutions. Being stuck with needles. Pain.

_Squeal. Pop. Crunch._

"Please. Don't let him in."

"Don't let who in, Mrs. Cullen?"

"Swan. My name is Bella... Bella Swan."

"Don't let who in, Mrs. Swan?"

"Edward. My husband. Edward Cullen."

Complete and pressing blackness. Total oblivion.

Surrender.

_Squeal. Pop. Crunch._

"I... I told them not to let him in," I whispered to Alice.

She nodded her head sadly.

"Then why did they?" I asked.

"I... I told them to," she whispered.

"Why?"

She sighed and ran a hand through her hair in much the same way that Edward did when he was anxious. "I just... I figured you were maybe... hit in the head too hard. That you didn't know what you were saying. But then Edward was here and Doctor Banner started talking about how lucid you were before you... before you slipped under, and Edward told me about... well, he told me..."

'I know, Alice," I said, addressing her last comments.

Her face paled. "You knew...?"

I nodded slightly. "I had a suspicion that he was cheating. I mean, I didn't think anyone worked that much. It was just... confirmed for me at the diner. I was working and—"

"Bella, why were you working in a diner? I thought you wanted to go into publishing?"

I shook my head sadly. I lied for him, again. "That never worked out."

She hung her head. "Bella, what happened?"

A tear slipped out the side of my eye but before I could respond to her, the door opened and Doctor Banner walked back into the room. He looked nervous and a tad uncomfortable. Walking up to the side of my bed, he recorded what he saw on the monitor into a large blue binder. Then looked down at me.

"Are you feeling better?"

I shook my head. No. My heart was still broken.

But I _was_ calmer.

"Ms. Swan," he began, and I didn't have the heart in me to argue. "I'm not sure where to begin, but how about we start with some of the more major injuries."

I nodded and Alice squeezed my hand reassuringly.

"You had what is called a subdural haematoma, which is—"

"Bleeding into the brain," I answered for him. He chuckled.

"You and Mr. Cullen both," he mumbled under his breath.

My heart constricted painfully.

"After you slipped into a coma, we saw the bleed on an MRI and had to evacuate it. We went into surgery, which was successful." He smiled gently. "It's why you couldn't remember things at first. Temporary amnesia. I'm glad to see you've got your memory back." He smiled timidly. "Now you're not out of the woods yet. Speech may prove to be a little difficult in the near future. Vocabulary could get confused, speaking may become hard at times, those types of things. Don't be alarmed though, this is common."

I nodded.

_You cut into my brain, no big deal_.

"The... cast on your right arm," he started. I froze. I knew what was coming; I was prepared for it. But that didn't make it any less hard to hear. "We assume you tried to break your fall. But in doing so, you shattered your radius and fractured your ulna in two places. I'm aware of your extensive violin abilities. Yes?" I nodded again. "Physical therapy may be of some use to you when the cast comes off, but even with that you may not get full rotation back. Which may make violin more difficult. Maybe even impossible. I'm very sorry."

I didn't even let it sink in. One more heartbreak and I didn't think I would survive. I let the hurt sit at the surface, floating above the abyss, bobbing like a cork.

I sat in silence, unseeing or thinking. Empty was the only thing I could contemplate. At that moment, however, the door opened again, and when I looked up I couldn't stop the the widening of my eyes and the gasp that escaped my lips. The blond haired doctor that entered the room was the one that had taken on a fatherly role toward me after my father passed away, he was the one that welcomed me into his family with open arms. He was the one that I would trust with my life.

He was Carlisle Cullen.

He smiled at me, his face so loving and gentle that another wave of tears flooded my eyes. He walked over and kissed his shocked daughter on the forehead before leaning down and doing the same to me. He lingered for a moment, whispering, "I'd hoped I would get to see you again on better terms, Bella. But then again, I shouldn't be surprised."

I laughed breathlessly in shock and confusion.

He walked over to Doctor Banner and shook his hand firmly, introducing himself. "Carlisle Cullen, Chief of Surgery at Forks General Hospital in Washington."

Doctor Banner's face turned red and he began to stammer. He cleared his throat. "B...Bill Banner, Head of Neurology."

"Wonderful to meet you. I understand you have been in charge of Bella's case?"

"Y... yes?"

Carlisle nodded patiently. "I've received word from your Chief of Surgery that I will be handling her case now. She's going to be coming back to Forks soon and I need to be as updated as possible."

I wasn't sure if I had heard him correctly, but there was a sudden lightening of my heart. I was going home.

Doctor Banner hastily handed Carlisle my chart, and without many other words left the room.

Carlisle looked through the chart quickly, his brow furrowing a few times. "Subdural haematoma, right inferior radial and right inferior ulna fractures, pelvic fracture, left abdominal lesion..." he mumbled under his breath as he looked through the information. At my gasp, he looked up.

"You have a minor fracture in your pelvis from where you landed, but this shouldn't take long to heal, so I don't want you to worry about that. It shouldn't damage your ability to walk and after a few weeks of physical therapy with Emmett, you should be fine."

I grimaced. I would commit suicide before I tried to endure physical therapy with Emmett. But beyond the initial anxiety there was another feeling. A deeper, darker one. Anger was rising in my throat like bile and no matter how hard I tried to keep it down, it came up anyway. I was being controlled again, not being allowed to make the decision.

Carlisle chuckled, oblivious. "He said he would go easy on you."

"You discussed this with him already?"

He nodded. "I want to bring you back to Forks to look you over better. I don't like these New York doctors. Only in it for the money."

Alice huffed but he ignored her.

"I hope that's okay with you?" he questioned. "I know you and Edward built a life here, and if you would rather I stay here and look you over here for a few weeks, I can do that too. I just thought you would like it better in Forks since you're used to that Emergency Room," he winked, "and since Esme hasn't seen you in a while, she figured—"

"Yes," I cut him off. "Yes, that would be perfect."

He smiled. "As soon as you are able to leave the hospital, we will fly you home."

"But no physical therapy with Emmett," I mumbled. A wave of lethargy hit me like a tidal wave and I was feeling more and more sluggish. It was hard to hear what he said next; I was already halfway asleep.

"We will see how you're doing when we get to Forks. You may not even need it..."

I smiled at the thought of going back to Forks. As my eyes began to droop, I thought of all the green. The trees, the mushy undergrowth, all the rain. It would be such a welcome change. I smiled to myself as I fantasized long walks in the forest, visiting La Push Beach again, spending hours wandering through the town. I would go visit Ben and Angela, who were married and through e-mail I learned were expecting there first child. I would stop in at Newton Outfitters. I would visit Sue... and her kids... at their... store...

When I woke up, the curtains over the windows were drawn and the light in the room was dim. Carlisle and Alice had left and the room was deathly empty. I struggled to sit up in bed, wincing as my ribs protested in agony. I realized with joy that the breathing tube had been removed from my mouth and I was slowly breathing on my own.

I was hungry.

I looked around for a clock to see what time it was, and when I looked to my left I couldn't hold back a cry of surprise. Sitting in a chair beside my bed, Edward's form lay hunched over, his head resting against a hand that was propped on his knee. I assumed he was asleep, because at my cry he didn't wake. Which was odd. Edward had always been such a light sleeper. If I left the bedroom in the middle of the night for any reason, he was awake when I returned—in the beginning, at least. At the slightest sound he would startle and pull me closer, shushing me back to sleep with either a hummed song or soft whispers.

Over the last few years I had shut our past out. It hurt too much to think of when all I had to look forward to in the future was the steady decline of our love and affection for one another. Now that there _was_ no future in sight, it didn't hurt nearly as bad.

That isn't to say the pain wasn't substantial. I must have sat there, staring at him, for at least an hour as thoughts of what we used to have flooded my mind.

Our first date—he drove me to a quiet restaurant on the outskirts of Forks, deflecting flirtation from the hostess and waitress in a private booth in the back. I ordered mushroom ravioli, Caesar salad and bread sticks, a dinner that soon became very symbolic to the two of us. He held my hand all through dinner, running his thumb across the top and occasionally playing with my fingers. He asked me all sorts of questions, like what flowers I liked. The next day, I found a bouquet at my desk in Calculus, the class he had before me, with a note that had a date and time for our next date. I think a permanent blush stained my cheeks all period.

The first time he kissed me—we'd gone to Seattle to ride a Ferry, and after he found out I had never been to the Space Needle, he insisted I go up with him. Pointing out across the Sound, he described the clouds—in very scientific terms of course—and told me everything about how they formed and why they were shaped the way they were that day. "But what fascinates me," he had said, "is that no matter what shape they're in, be it cumulonimbus or serous, they always look so soft. They make you just want to reach up and touch them." He'd looked down at me, eyes flickering from my eyes to my mouth and back until I thought I would die if he didn't kiss me. Then he'd brushed my lips with his fingers and whispered, eyes ablaze, "I wonder if your lips are soft like that." It was cheesy and cute and arousing all at the same time, and I let myself be kissed in the clouds.

My birthday—he knew how much I wanted to go to see the Seattle Symphony. And he knew just how to give me the tickets. He knew I left my truck unlocked—because there was nothing in it to steal, nor was it anything worth stealing—and so, assuming he went during school, he snuck to my truck and sat the tickets on my driver's seat. No big presentation, no 'Happy Birthday Bella!' Just a white envelope with a ticket inside. "I've got the matching one," he said, wrapping an arm around my waist and kissing my forehead. "So I hope you don't have plans tonight." He smiled a breathtakingly beautiful smile, tilted my chin up with a finger and kissed me.

The first time we had sex—Edward created a drive-through movie at his house, using an old projector he had bribed our English teacher to let him borrow against the large brick wall at the back of his house. Cuddling on the blanket while watching Ingrid Bergman confess her undying love to Humphrey Bogart, hiding my face in his shirt partly to hide my tears and partly to breathe in his irresistible smell. I'd seen _Casablanca_ hundreds of times and cried every time. He took advantage of the closeness, burying his face in my neck and moving down, removing clothing as he went. By the time it was over, and I'd been brought to bliss twice, I was sweaty and sore and completely content.

_We had just moved in to the apartment together right off of the UW campus. My father had objected to the idea of Edward and I living together, but when Edward gently brought up the fact that it would greatly decrease expenses because he refused to let me pay rent, and we had been together nearly two years, Charlie grudgingly accepted._

_I had barely put the sheets on the bed before Edward tackled me onto it, pulling my shirt over my head and nibbling on my stomach. I laughed in giddy ecstasy as he flicked open the button of my jeans and slowly inched them down my legs along with my underwear, trailing his lips down lightly as he went. My laughter died down into quiet whimpers and when his tongue touched me, my back arched off the bed. _

_We hung paintings up naked, arguing lightly about which one should hang over the couch and which one should hang in the foyer—yes, Edward's ridiculous, frivolous, extravagant, sweet parents were paying for an apartment that had a foyer. He wanted Dali's _Three Young Surrealist Women Holding in Their Arms the Skins of an Orchestra_ to go in the foyer and da Vinci's _Vitruvian Man_ to go over the couch. I argued that the Dali print would work better in the living room because that's where Edward's piano was—God forbid we get an apartment too small for his piano—but Edward said it wouldn't make a good impression on visitors to have a very scientifically accurate penis staring at them when they walked in. _

_I called him a child. He called me an exhibitionist. In the end, we made love on the floor in the light filtering through the open window and the _Vitruvian Man_ went in the office. _

_While he stayed home to set up the antique desk Esme had shipped to us, I went to the grocery store. It was one of the most difficult tasks I endured throughout the whole of our college experience, including final exams. I had been with Edward for two years and yet I stood in the cereal aisle, torn between _Cinnamon Toast Crunch _and _Reese's Puffs Cereal. _I knew Edward liked both, and I really didn't have a preference, which made it much more difficult to decide which one. I put both in the basket and ended up spending double what I needed to to last us two weeks. _

_Edward's eyes widened when he say the amount of bags I brought up. "Babe, do we have another roommate coming that I didn't know about?"_

_I wiped my forehead and raised an eyebrow at him. "I wouldn't have had sex with you on the floor if we did."_

_He laughed aloud, coming toward me and wrapping a strand of hair that had fallen out of my ponytail around his finger. "I like you when you're sassy."_

"_You better like me all the time or I'm not writing your English papers."_

_He huffed. "I don't need you to write my English papers. I can hold my own."_

"_Ha!" I guffawed and turned to him. "If I didn't edit your papers, I swear you would get D's."_

"_And if I didn't check your Chemistry labs for error in calculations, you would fail."_

_I stuck my tongue out at him. "I don't need Chemistry to survive on a day-to-day basis. Botching crucial elements of the English language, when it is something you speak fluently, is unforgivable."_

_His eyes darkened slightly. "Do that again," he husked. _

"_What do you mean?" I asked. "Thi—" _

_I stuck out my tongue only to have his lips close over it and suck it hard. I tried to stop the groan that rose up in my throat, but it came out anyway as my hands wound into his hair. I arched my hips against his growing hardness and felt his fingers edge under my shirt. Ripping my mouth away, I pulled back._

"_If you keep doing that, the milk will spoil. Let me... Edward, stop... let me put the groceries away." I moaned as his fingers massaged my nipple._

"_Put the groceries away later."_

_I pulled my mouth away from his tongue and backed out of his arms. I batted my eyelashes at him. "As tempting as that is, if we keep having sex, nothing will ever get done."_

_He took a menacing step toward me. "That's the point, baby. I don't want to get anything done. I want to fuck you seven ways to Sunday."_

_I rolled my eyes and turned around, pulling boxes of Rotini pasta out of the bags. _

"_Want baked ziti for dinner?"_

_I knew that would distract him. Nodding his head like an over-enthusiastic five year old, he came over and started unloading the groceries, and I watched in amused wonder. He placed all the dairy items in a group, all the fruits together, the vegetables in a separate pile and the junk food in a stack. When he looked over at me and saw my unsuccessful efforts at retaining laughter, he frowned._

"_What?"_

"_You organized the groceries." _

_He shrugged. "Yeah, so? Now they're easier to put away."_

_I shook my head. "They would have been easy to put away even had you not sorted them. Don't try and excuse your OCD."_

_He rolled his eyes but smirked. "You like it. You think it's sexy."_

_I shook my head. "No, I think you're a freak."_

"_A freak in the bed," he responded with a wink._

"_And the floor, and the dining room table, and the piano..." Dampness formed in my underwear as I recollected the christening of our apartment. I shivered. _

_He came over and wrapped his arms around my waist, pressing his erection into my back. His hands reached up, pressing hotly into my ribs until he reached my breasts, which he cupped tightly in two hands. "Wanna try the desk?" he breathed._

_Groceries be damned. I don't think I'd ever run so fast in my life._

It was doing me no good to remember these things now. Not when Edward and I were going to be divorced in the next few weeks. Watching him, I grew incredibly sad. How could something so perfect have gone so wrong? What was it about us that changed so drastically? How had we gotten to this awful place that we would never be able to return from?

Lying back in the bed, I stared at the ceiling. I rubbed my good hand down my face, scrubbing at the dried tears and sleep caking my eyes. Seeing him sitting there, peaceful and vulnerable, I felt a small sense of regret. It was the first time I thought that maybe I was doing the wrong thing since I signed the papers. For a second, I thought that maybe I had made the wrong decision. Maybe there was still time to work things out. Maybe we could go back...

No. We couldn't. He could not take back having sex with other women. He could not take back all the harsh words and fights. He could not undo the damage that had already been done.

Besides, even if we were to go back... what would we go back to? That life we had was gone.

He stirred next to me and my eyes flickered to his body. He was still so beautiful that it hurt to look at him. His body was long and lean. His powerful legs were wrapped in fitted trousers, his muscular torso in a white Oxford shirt that was rolled up to his elbows. Even with his head down, his bronze hair was a chaotic disarray, like he'd been running his hands through it not five minutes ago. He was perfect, a sleeping angel.

He stirred again, this time waking himself up. I didn't want to be caught staring at him so I squeezed my eyes shut in an effort to pretend I was asleep. I felt him shift next to me, sitting up in a more conventional position. He sniffed sleepily.

"Oh, Bella," he said softly. My heart twisted, but his next words sent fire coursing through my veins. "Why? Why are you doing this? Have I really made you so unhappy? Have I really been that bad for you? I know we've fought and had our rough times, but why are you doing this to me?"

He really had no clue. He really did have no idea the consequences of the things he'd done. How they had affected me. How he had ripped apart our marriage.

I tuned out the rest of what he was saying. I didn't want to hear him anymore. All the reasoning, all the rationalizing. It was getting incessant and I had heard enough. It had always worked for him in the past. A few words to explain why he was late, a quick kiss for how sorry he was and then that was it. I gave in and believed him.

No more.

I must have drifted off to sleep again, because when I opened my eyes, the curtains were open again and the lights were on. Alice was seated in the chair next to me, instead of Edward, with a bright smile on her face. When she saw me open my eyes, she clapped her hands together gleefully.

"Good, you're awake," she said brightly.

"Mmmm."

She pulled a paper bag from the floor that read _Fraiche _on the front in curly script. She reached into it and began to pull out plastic containers, setting them on the wooden tray that would serve as my breakfast table. She ticked off each item as she set them down. "Croissants, fresh fruit salad, two eggs scrambled, cinnamon roll... where's the ham, I know I bought some..."

She opened the containers and piled food on a plate before placing it in front of me. I waited for her to fix herself a plate but she never did.

"Aren't you going to eat?" I asked her. I began to unwrap the silverware she had placed in front of me.

She shook her head. "Jasper and I ate already. We brought this back for you."

I raised an eyebrow at her. "And what did _you _eat?"

She picked at a non-existant string on her skirt. "Half a grapefruit, granola and yogurt."

I ignored the pang in my stomach. That meal was familiar. "Why do you think I need so much food? I'm strapped to a hospital bed for crying out loud. I don't even need the energy to sit up. You, on the other hand, are eating for two."

She rolled her eyes, very much in the same way Edward did when he got agitated. "Just eat, Bella."

I grudgingly tucked into the food, but once I realized how good it tasted in my mouth, I began to eat more enthusiastically. I couldn't get it down fast enough. The eggs scalded my throat but I ignored it, scarfing them down greedily.

Alice pulled up the blankets around my feet and I looked down, rolling my eyes and groaning. I was starting to get annoyed with all the casts and tubes and needles now. There was my right foot, covered in a thick white cast. I sighed.

Alice reached into the bag on her shoulder and pulled out a bottle of nail polish. When I looked at the color, my eyebrows rose.

"That's bright."

She nodded. "You need a change."

"Change from what? My nails aren't even painted," I said with a frown.

She giggled, "Exactly."

I groaned as she swiped the brush over the nail on my big toe. "But why so... _red_?"

It happened like a mask slipping from her face. The light disappeared from her eyes and they filled with tears so quickly that I was left confused and stunned. "Bella please just let me do this. I already feel like a bad enough friend for not being there for you while you were going through what you were with Edward. And it's... hard enough to sit here while you're strapped to machines and half a step away from slipping into another coma. So just let me paint your damn toenails and stop fucking complaining!"

I was so shocked by her outburst I couldn't move. I just sat there, gaping like a fish. She hunched over my feet, but I didn't have to see her face to know she was crying. She sniffed a few times, but other than that she made no noise. Finally, I gathered the courage to speak.

"Alice," I said softly."It's not your fault."

She looked up at me, her eyes red. "Really? Did I know when you two were fighting?"

"That's my point, Alice," I murmured. "You didn't know, so it's not your fault."

"But I _should _have," she said. She pointed the nail file at me accusingly. "Why didn't I know? Why didn't you tell me? I'm your fucking best friend and he's my goddamn brother. You'd think I knew _something._"

"I didn't want to bother you, Alice," I said guiltily. "You always seemed to be having so much fun with Jasper and your life was so... grand. I didn't want to bother you with my little problems."

"That's bullshit Bella and you know it," she said angrily.

I winced as she filed my nail down too short. "Alice, don't take it out on my toes."

"Sorry," she grumbled. "You still should have told me."

"I'm sorry."

"I mean really, Bella. When was I too busy to hear about it? You were always the one that was too busy!"

"Your honeymoon." I knew it was a weak argument.

"Don't give me that bullshit, Bella. That was four years ago."

I tried diversion. "Really? That long?"

She didn't bite. "Yes, that long. You've had four years to tell me that something was going on. I would have flown to New York in two seconds if I'd known. I would have kicked his sorry ass and—"

I shook my head, willing her to stop.

"You know, he's been struggling," she said softly.

It was the last thing I wanted to hear. At this moment, my will was fragile; paper thin. I didn't want her to give me any excuse to forgive what he'd done and take him back. I needed encouragement and help, not reasons to make me regret my decision.

I sighed. "He's been struggling for what, a few days? I've been struggling for years."

"Bella, sometimes we make mistakes... and we don't realize what we are doing is wrong. I don't think he—"

"How do you not realize that cheating on your wife is wrong, Alice?"

"I don't think he..." She looked up at me. "You know, you're right. Enough making excuses for him."

I swear, the girl had mercurial moods that rivaled Edward's, even on his worst days. She stood up cheerily from her chair, blew on my toes, and came over to my side of the bed. "Okay, now I've brought over some stuff for you to do while I'm gone. I have to go see Oprah about this joint charity function we are throwing and we just need to hammer down some details." Of course. She _would _be best friends with Oprah. She opened her obscenely large black Prada bag. "Here are some magazines. A book of crosswords." She held up an Etch-a-Sketch and grinned. "I used to love these when I went to the hospital as a kid. I played on it for three days straight after I had my appendix taken out."

I smiled halfheartedly. "Thanks, Alice. I appreciate it."

My head was beginning to feel heavy, but oddly enough, I wasn't tired. I said goodbye to Alice and picked up the magazine, flipping through it nonchalantly. Pictures of people I couldn't pretend to care about decorated the pages, but I soon grew so bored that I tossed it onto a chair. I picked at my food a little more, but by this point it had grown cold.

I paged a nurse, who came into the room a few moments later. "Yes dear?"

"I need to use the bathroom," I said softly, heat flooding my cheeks.

She came over to the bed, unhooking the needles in my arm. Slowly, she helped me out of the bed and led me to the bathroom adjoining the room. It took a while; I couldn't figure out how to get my legs to move right. It was highly frustrating.

She opened the door and flicked on the light. "I'll stand right out here," she said with a smile. "Let me know if you need anything."

I didn't know why I didn't prepare myself before I went in. I mean, I knew I was in an accident. But I don't know why I didn't think of all the bruises and cuts before I went into the bathroom. I should have prepared myself. I should have realized.

Because what I saw in the mirror made me sick to my stomach.

I had never thought I was overly beautiful, despite what my friends and _he _used to tell me. But what I used to be was gorgeous, compared to what I was now. I stared at my reflection, barely able to move. Barely able to blink.

Barely able to breathe.

My face was like one giant purple bruise. My bottom lip was split and there was a nasty cut that had been stitched up on my forehead. My eyes were swollen but seemed to have sunk back into my head. The patches of skin that weren't purple were a deathly white.

But that wasn't what disturbed me the most.

A thick white bandage was wrapped around my head, the reason for the heaviness. Carefully, so as not to disturb anything, I reached up and stuck my fingers beneath the bandage. My heart stopped. I stuck my fingers further up, but felt the same clammy skin all the way up. My hair was gone. I didn't know why, but it was all gone.

In a fit of panic, I reached up and began to unwrap it. My sobs echoed off the tile of the bathroom walls and in a few seconds the door was being yanked open and my hands were being restrained for the second time. I didn't have any energy in me to fight her. I collapsed in her arms, sobbing against her scrubs.

There was no wonder in the world as to why Edward had agreed to the divorce. There was no question as to why he had cheated on me. There was no doubt in my mind as to why our marriage had deteriorated. It all made sense now. My worst fears were confirmed with one look in the mirror.

It wasn't Edward's fault at all. It was mine.

I was hideous.

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**AUTHOR'S NOTE: *hides behind pillow* It took a while, I knowwwwwwww.**

**For all of those who were wanting some sort of Bella and Edward show-down, sorry if I disappointed. This chapter was dramatic enough, I didn't think it needed any more. Also, I know that the last few paragraphs were a zinger. Just remember, her opinions of herself are a little skewed and she's going through trauma. I promise, she will get better over time. Just give the story a little time to develop. I'm interested to hear thoughts. Review!**


	8. This Animal

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: I appreciate all of the reviews and support over the last few weeks. I'm trying to get this story back on a roll again, and will try to get it back to an update a week. This may not happen within the next few weeks, as some personal stuff is going on, but that is my goal before the end of summer. ALSO, in case you've skipped this part, it will be at the end as well: I'm thinking about renaming this story and I'd like some input as to possible titles. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated! So... On with the stuff you really want to read.**

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**CHAPTER EIGHT – THIS ANIMAL**

I can't escape this hell, so many times I've tried.  
But I'm still caged inside.  
Somebody get me through this nightmare,  
I can't control myself.

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?  
No one will ever change this animal I have become.  
Help me believe it's not the real me,  
Somebody help me tame this animal.

I can't escape myself. So many times I've lied.  
But there's still rage inside.  
Somebody get me through this nightmare,  
I can't control myself.

_- Animal I Have Become _by Three Days Grace

**EPOV**

The days were purgatory in its purest form. The nights the blackest, most unbearable sort of torture. I roamed the hospital like a caged animal, desperate to find something to occupy myself. Preferably, that something would have given me a clue as to Bella's condition, but more often than not, this was not the case. I spent most of the time prowling the halls, looking for an innocent, vulnerable nurse that I could pounce on and pry information out of. This worked for a little while, until Carlisle caught on. He reassigned all of Bella's previous nurses and pulled manly (and a few womanly) nurses as big as Emmett on to her case, hoping that I would be intimidated or would back off.

I ignored the change, pestering and challenging the new nurses just as much until I was threatened to be escorted off the premises by hotel security.

If I was able to get around them, I didn't get very far. Emmett stood on guard near her door, not budging enough to let me even look through the window at her. He would see me walking down the hallway and glare at me, arms folded across his chest. Once, I tried to push past him. I landed on my ass and was back in the ER, my wrist being wrapped in a second sling as I was threatened yet again with expulsion from the hospital.

I wasn't allowed to stay. No one, not Emmett or the nurses, would allow me within ten feet of her room after they caught me in there the night after she woke up. But I refused to go until I knew that she was going to be okay and I had a chance to talk to her. I was in limbo and it damn near sapped every bit of life out of me.

I ran into Carlisle several times in the hallways. He didn't look at me often, but sometimes he would nod his head in my general direction. I couldn't help but feel sad and dejected in these moments; it was the first time I had seen my father in years, and he could barely look at me. Not once did he make an effort to comfort me or try to console me in any way.

The blatant dismissal stung.

As soon as the entire family arrived, Alice went back to ignoring me. Not that I minded too much—she ended up leaving to talk to Oprah about something or other and so I didn't have to deal with her as much as I'd feared. Rosalie avoided me like the plague, and Jasper wasn't to be found anywhere. Esme was the only one in my family that seemed to make an effort to be with me.

She was the only one that seemed to understand that I, too, was in pain and was suffering from the consequences of my actions.

I spent a lot of time in the cafeteria, my chosen place of solace, and Esme often sat with me. She carried a pack of cards in her purse, and when I didn't feel like talking we played Rummy or Canasta for hours on end. Sometimes she would just sit and drink coffee with me, letting me vent about the strain of my marriage and the frustration I was feeling about the lack of control I had in the situation. Sometimes I would sit with her in the hospital garden and read poetry to her—something we hadn't done together since I was a teenager. When I got restless, she would walk with me, holding my arm and gently soothing me with her innate maternal disposition.

Emotionally and physically drained, I was leaning the floor-to-ceiling windows, my shoulder and forehead resting against the glass as I stared unseeingly at the street below. It had been about a week since Bella had woken up. A week of sadness, frustration, anger, impatience and finally, exhaustion. A fresh round of tears at the grief from the whole situation was welling up in my eyes when my nose detected the faint Chanel No 5 perfume that Esme always wore. Turning to my left, I saw her walk up next to me, her face tired and sad.

It killed me that I was the cause of such strain in the family.

"Hi, Mom," I murmured, brushing my tears away with my fist and resting my head on her shoulder in a very childlike fashion. In the past few days, it seemed that I had been reduced to my weak, vulnerable childhood self.

"Hi, honey." Her voice sounded weary, even to me. She ran her fingers through my hair.

"I hate this," I sulked. I was so tired.

"I know you do," she sighed. "I do too."

"I hate what it's doing to the family. I feel... responsible. Everyone hates me."

She sighed again. "The family has survived many things, Edward. We've gone through death and illness and heartbreak just like everyone else, and we've managed to get through it just fine." She tilted my head up with her finger. "But the question is, will you?"

I felt tears well up in my eyes but I pushed them back. My hands tugged at my hair. "I don't know, Mom. She won't even... she won't even let me in there to talk to her."

"Can you blame her?"

There it was. The crutch in my whole 'wallowing-in-self-pity' plan. As much as I wanted to cry and rip my hair out at the thought that Bella didn't want me anymore, and as much as that notion broke my heart and ripped my world apart, I couldn't help but understand why. And I couldn't blame her.

It made me hate myself even more.

I shook my head.

"Just give her time, Edward. Everything is fresh and she probably feels just as horrible as you do." Her eyes looked sad. "You betrayed her, sweetheart. In the worst way you could possibly betray a woman. She's endured years of hurt at your hand. She's not going to be able to get over that in one night."

"But I didn't know!" I protested. "I didn't know how much I was hurting her. I thought that—"

I was about to continue, but she shook her head.

She rested a hand against my cheek, wistful and sad, her eyes full of remorse and pain. For me or for Bella, I didn't know. "You still have a lot of growing up to do, Edward,"

My eyes widened in shock. "Growing up?" My voice rose louder and louder. "I moved across the country from you to prove to you that I could make it on my own! That I wasn't some weak-ass pity case that you and Carlisle just _picked _up from the orphanage."

She winced. I knew most of this wasn't aimed at her; she had always shown me unconditional love, regardless of what I did. But my knowledge of the fact that I was venting at her didn't stop the spewing of pent-up frustration. "I am _this_ close to managing a multibillion dollar corporation that controls most, if not all of American stock exchanges and is on the brink of controlling the Asian and European markets as well. I single handedly created over half a million jobs this fiscal year and gave half a million to charities last _month_. I supervised the financing and construction of over twenty nonprofit buildings, including this hospital and three others, four museums... even a library for the blind, for Christ's sake! I am doing my damnedest to provide a _life _for the woman I love and I'm pretty fucking positive that the six figures in my bank account will prove that I'm doing a fairly fucking decent job!"

She only cocked an eyebrow at me, not even phased by my outburst. "It's an impressive resume, Edward, really." Her voice hardened imperceptibly to anyone but me. I knew her better than I was pretty certain even my own father, and I knew then that I was on thin ice. I'd crossed a line. "I don't give a damn about it. Your father may value that type of success, but I do not, so if you want to impress someone, flaunt it in front of him. Success and money don't mean anything to me." Her eyes dulled. She sighed. "The only way you will prove that you've truly grown up, Edward, is when you can look beyond yourself and your own needs and put someone else before you. When you are willing to lay down your happiness and your security and your _money _if that means making sure that someone else is happy. When you learn _that_, and when you are willing to do it, you will get her back."

I didn't understand what she meant. I worked hard so I could provide for her. I _was _putting her needs before mine. No one was _seeing_ it.

"How is she?" I asked softly.

"She's doing remarkably well, for someone of her circumstances," she responded, a small smile on her face. She looked out the window. "Some of her color has returned, some of her bruises have gone away. They gave her a boot for the cast on her foot, so she's able to move around without assistance, even if for short distances. Her speech is improving and she says her headaches are going away. She's awake a lot more too."

I smiled, despite myself. It was just like her. She had always been independent as hell; one to rise above the odds and be more than anyone expected. She always surprised _me _at least. I adored her for it.

"That's great."

My mother regarded me for a moment. "She's miserable, Edward."

I shoulders tensed. If I found out those damn nurses weren't doing their fucking jobs...

"Miserable? What does she need? I can have better food delivered, if she wants. Or I can get her some more comfortable clothes. Or new sheets maybe?" I pulled out my phone and started dialing the number for Siobhan, my personal shopper. She had Bella's measurements from outfitting her for recitals and I could easily get silk or satin pajamas sent over within the afternoon. Esme put her hand over my phone to stop me. When I looked up, she had that sad, wistful look in her eye again.

"She's not uncomfortable, Edward," she urged. "Alice and Carlisle have taken care of that."

My blood boiled that they weren't even allowing me to take care of her from across the fucking hospital.

"She's _miserable_," she emphasized, pleading with me to understand. "Her heart... it's—"

"What's wrong with her heart?" I interjected. "So help me, Mom, if Carlisle is withholding information from me, I _will_ sue him. I _am_ still her husband and I have a right to information about her."

As if a curtain closed behind her eyes, the pleading went out of them. "Her heart is fine, Edward. She is doing just fine."

I didn't understand her sudden sadness, especially with Bella's health progressing so well. But I shrugged it off. There was a small ray of light that had broken through the bleakness in my heart. Bella was getting better. And, for a moment, I allowed myself to feel the slightest bit of hope.

**-{***}-**

Bella was discharged two weeks later. Right before Christmas. After intense observation and heavy doses of Percocets and various other medications, I watched from my car as Emmett wheeled her out the front doors in a wheelchair. It was the first time I had seen her in nearly three weeks and despite her pale skin and frail stature, she took my breath away. Alice had purchased a wig for her and I was surprised at how much it matched her previous hair color. The cut was a bit off—it was a bit edgier than Bella usually went with—but it suited her.

I ached to climb out of the car and approach her. She was hunched down in her chair, looking lighter than I had ever seen her; even in high school she hadn't been so skinny. I watched from my parking spot, feeling more like a stalker than her husband, as my wife was wheeled off in the opposite direction, toward a hulking black Escalade that I assumed was Emmett's car.

I had been instructed by Alice not to be at the apartment within the next two hours, as they were gathering up some of Bella's things to take over to the hotel suite that Emmett had rented out for the whole family—the fucking chivalrous saint that he was. I had tried to argue with her, to allow me some time with Bella, but she refused, saying that if any car remotely similar to mine parked in the garage between two and four, she would stab through my balls with the heels of her Louboutin pumps.

I hadn't been the least bit afraid of her.

For three weeks, I had allowed my family to dictate my every move. I wasn't allowed to see Bella. I wasn't allowed to purchase flowers for her. I wasn't allowed to leave her a note. They had basically cut me out of her life—whether it was her order or not, I wasn't sure—and after three weeks I had fucking had enough. And so I put my foot down.

Particularly on the gas pedal of my car as I headed to my apartment.

I rarely drove my car. In fact, I barely even believed in having one. New York was a city that made _walking _two blocks difficult. Driving two blocks sometimes took ages. But I had gone back to my apartment that morning, pulled out my Volvo and camped out in front of the hospital until she was released.

I was going to talk to her today and nothing was going to stop me today; not traffic, not my brother. Not even God himself.

I probably broke about fifteen traffic laws as I careened into the parking garage, but thankfully no one stopped me. I hurried to the elevator, swiped my access key and hurried into the elevator, brushing past the bellhop and pressing the button for the thirty-fourth floor. I waited impatiently as the elevator stopped and started and couldn't help but huff in frustration whenever someone new got on the lift. Finally, after the fourth person got off, I turned angrily to the bellhop. Jerry, I think.

"Do not let anyone on this elevator until I reach my floor," I snapped out, desperation beginning to seep into my tone. I was almost certain my eyes were flashing at him. I shoved forty dollars into his hand, begging him to just do as I said. He complied, and luckily I got to my apartment a few minutes later. Had I not, I probably would have had his ass fired. I was that manic.

Stepping out quickly, I headed toward the mahogany door that hadn't been touched in weeks. The hair on the back of my neck stood up.

She was there.

I could _feel _her.

Gathering my courage, I tried the door and was slightly relieved, slightly pissed when it opened with no resistance. I stepped over the threshold and into the cold marble foyer, inhaling slightly. My senses were overwhelmed with her as I took in the things I had barely ever noticed about the apartment before this moment. The _Vitruvian Man_ print that I had insisted be hung somewhere else when we lived together while attending UW was hanging on the wall right beside the archway that led to the rest of the apartment. A round, mahogany table right ahead of me held a vase of deep purple chrysanthemums, which I realized with a certain joy that I had given her while she was in the hospital. In the corner of the room stood another smaller round table, holding a small marble statue that had been given to us on our wedding day by my grandmother.

I shuddered as that memory came back to me.

_I couldn't take my eyes off of her. I had never seen something so beautiful in my entire life, and I was oddly fascinated by how someone could take all of the light and joy and beauty in the room and emanate it doubly, all by herself. But that was what Bella had done. She seemed to take everyone's radiance inside herself and it glowed from every pore in her body. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life._

_As a boy, Esme had forced me to attend Mass every Sunday. While I wasn't nearly as devout a Catholic now as I was then, I could still remember how I thought of angels and God and what the heavens must be like. But on that day, the day I got married, all of those images were replaced by one—Isabella Marie Cullen. An absolute vision in vintage lace that flattered every curve on her body, she blew every thought of anything I had ever thought beautiful and heavenly completely out of the water. _

_Alice had done some weird curly thing with her hair, pinning it loosely around her head so as to look natural and carefully careless, just as Bella had wanted. Her make-up was simple; her cheeks were a bit pinker than usual, her teeth a tad whiter, her eyelashes darker and fuller. Every time she smiled, a bit of my heart broke for the other people in the room. They were being duped, not being able to have something that beautiful to call their own._

_But I was a selfish bastard and didn't mind keeping her all to myself. _

_I held her to me tighter than I ever thought possible when I danced with her. My arm wrapped around her waist possessively and I snarled at Mike Newton, one of my baseball teammates from Forks who had always had eyes and a hard dick for her. _Back off, fucker,_ I thought to myself. _She's mine.

_All mine. _

_I seldom let her leave my arms to dance with anyone else. Her father got to dance with her, of course. And my father too. I let her dance with Emmett and Jasper Whitlock, Alice's boyfriend of the week. I was reluctant to let her dance with Jacob Black, her best friend from childhood, but when she looked up at me, her eyes pleading me, I released her. For half a song._

_There was nothing I wouldn't give her._

_Our wedding was disgusting. Sickening to anyone that couldn't stand PDA. I kissed her whenever I could. I always had a hand on her, brushing her hair away from her face, wrapping an arm tightly around her waist or just holding her hand as we greeted guests. When I stuck my head beneath her dress to pull her garter down with my teeth, I kissed the inside of her thigh, lightly poking my tongue out and enjoying her shiver. When we cut the cake, I smeared icing on her lips on purpose so that when I leaned down to kiss her, I could discreetly lick some of it off._

_Emmett hooted and whistled, causing Bella's cheeks to redden to an alarming color. _

_Later, when we returned from the honeymoon—having exhausted our sexual appetites for the time being—and looked back at the pictures before heading back to school, we were both a little mortified at how wanton we had acted. Esme had assembled the photos into a classy, elegant photo album and assured us as she flipped through the pages that everyone understood. She shyly admitted that she and Carlisle had been the same way, making me gag. _

_Every picture depicted some sort of sexually charged pose. I was kissing her, or gazing at her like I was about to eat her up, or touching her possessively. Of course, we both looked radiantly happy and blissed out—which we were—but the strong sexual undertone was there all the same._

_I actually blushed, an occurrence so rare that Bella gaped at me._

_Bella had gotten a shitload of presents at her bridal shower—many of which I reaped the benefits from, including lace nighties and a sexy as hell black garter belt—but there were a few that had been given to us at the wedding. Not really a few, I lie. A whole mountain. There were so many that I actually got tired of opening them. We didn't need a new microwave, our apartment had a brand new one. Same with the blender and snow cone maker—that had been from Emmett and was actually going to stay, no matter how much Bella protested. There were a few things we needed, and some that we gratefully accepted out of pure gluttony, like silk bedsheets and Waterford crystal wine goblets that Bella insisted we wouldn't use even when we _could _drink legally. _

_Bella and I bantered about practically every single gift. _

"_Edward, we don't even _need_ this," she whined as she held up the fiftieth gift. "I hate sounding so ungrateful, really, I do, but this is getting ridiculous. We already GOT a cuckoo clock from your aunt Suzanne!"_

_I rolled my eyes at her. She hadn't even seen what I was holding yet._

_Esme had gathered the gifts from the reception hall after we left for the honeymoon and had shipped them to us when we had returned. Now, we were seated on the floor or our apartment, surrounded by a mountain of silver wrapping paper—my mom had even color coordinated the _gifts. _I held up the offending items in my hand._

"_Yeah, well what the hell do we need a candelabra for? This isn't the seventeen hundreds."_

_She gasped. "But Edward," she said, taking it from my hands. "This is _beautiful."_Her eyes widened in fascination as her fingers traced lightly over the ornate details carved into the silver arms. She turned it over and looked at the bottom. "Oh, Edward," she squealed in excitement. "You see this?" She pointed at the date carved on the bottom. "This is from the eighteen hundreds. It's an _antique. _Oh, I wonder where we can put it?"_

_She scrambled adorably from the floor and wandered around the apartment, looking for a flat surface. I watched in horrified wonder, appalled that she wanted to keep the thing and somehow curious to see where she would put it. She came back into the living room and snatched the box of gleaming white candlesticks from my lap. The smile on her face was huge._

"_Bella," I asked hesitantly. "Where did you put it?"_

"_The dining room table," she called from the kitchen._

_I choked. "I don't want to look at that thing while I'm eating!"_

"_Oh, hush," she called while I assumed she was placing candlesticks into the arms of the offensive piece in question. "You'll grow to love it. All antiques work that way. That's why their still around."_

"_But," I huffed. "It's a fire hazard. You could catch the apartment on fire."_

_She came back into the living room, laughing. She leaned down and kissed me lightly on the lips before plopping down next to me. "Can you imagine how romantic that would be? To eat dinner by candle light?"_

_I wrapped my arms around her, trailing my lips up her neck. "I can think of more romantic things."_

_She snorted. "Like what? Fucking on a pile of wrapping paper?"_

_I leaned back, feigning offense. "Crude," I accused._

"_Don't tell me you weren't thinking about it."_

_I chuckled and inched my fingers up beneath her shirt. "You caught me," I murmured. "But it's time to put thoughts to action."_

"_Edward, I don't really think—"_

"_Ssssh, Mrs. Cullen," I silenced her with my mouth. "You're spoiling the romantic moment. We've opened all the gifts, I've unpacked everything and folded the laundry," I _hated _when she did the laundry; the clothes got all wrinkled and and never folded anything right, "and there is nothing more I would like to do right now than get you out of these clothes and show you how _romantic _I can be."_

_She sighed, but didn't protest as I lifted her shirt over her head and buried my mouth between her breasts._

_Later, I was sitting at the dining room table with my laptop open, glasses perched on my nose as I went through class registration. I had never missed a deadline before and now I was coming seriously close. We had come back from our honeymoon near the end of August and I was really pushing the envelope to get the forms in on time._

_Well, not my forms. Those had been turned in before we left. I was worried about Bella's. She had, of course, put it off til the last minute. _

"_Baby," I called. _

"_What?" she responded. I chuckled. She sounded aggravated. Not that I blamed her. I had nearly taken her against her will on the floor and she hadn't been happy about it after the fact. She reminded me that she had NOT wanted to have sex at that moment in time and if she was sore later, she would bite me._

_I was highly amused by her weak threats. _

"_You need another lab credit. Do you want to take organic chemistry?"_

"_Why the fuck would I want to take organic chemistry?" She snapped what I assumed to be noodles in half and I heard them being dropped into a pot of water. She emerged from the kitchen, wiping her hands on a dish towel. She leaned against the door frame."You know, I'm perfectly capable of doing that myself."_

_I snorted. "They're due in two days."_

"_So?"_

_I quirked an eyebrow at her. "I asked you to do them three weeks ago."_

"_So I forgot," she shrugged. _

"_So you did, my dear," I chuckled. "Now, you took Chem 1 last year," I scrolled through the list of options. "Do you want to do something different? Biology, or physics maybe?"_

"_You'll be doing my homework for me anyway, so just pick what you want to do."_

_I looked over at her. "You're feisty."_

"_I have a paper cut on my ass."_

_I couldn't help it. I threw my head back and laughed._

"_It's not funny, you prick!" she wailed. She turned around and pulled down the butt of her jeans, revealing her very pale, very beautiful butt cheek. Sure enough there was an angry red line covering almost the entire length. "Look! Does that look comfortable to you?"_

_I frowned. It _did _look like it hurt. I felt bad. "Want me to kiss it?"_

_She threw her arms up and huffed in exasperation, heading back into the kitchen. I chuckled and turned back to the laptop, continuing to fill out the online form. I was interrupted yet again as Bella came back into the dining room. She held in her hands a decent sized silver box._

"_We forgot to open this one," she said, depositing it next to me on the table. She turned to head back to the kitchen._

"_What do you want me to do with it?" I asked._

"_Open it." I could hear the 'duh' in her tone. _

"_No shit," I rolled my eyes. "Why can't you do it?"_

"_You seem to be doing everything for me today," she replied saucily. "You know, filling out my course registration and all. I figured you would be bursting at the seams to do something else for me."_

"_Smart ass," I murmured. I slid my fingers under the wrapping and pulled the box out. I looked at it for a minute, confused, until I recognized the faces. I almost dropped the box as I called out. "Bella! Come here!"_

_She hurried into the dining room at my tone. "What? What is it?"_

_I turned the box to her. "Look."_

_She peered at it. "I don't see—"_

"_Look harder."_

_She did, her eyes squinting. Then they widened in realization, dwarfing her face. "Oh my God."_

_I nodded, speechless._

_It was us, carved out of a block of smooth white marble. She was dressed in her wedding dress, myself in a tux. I had an arm wrapped around her waist, my lips pressed to her temple. She was smiling gently, her hand pressed to my chest as she leaned back slightly over my arm. The statue was extraordinarily detailed, all the way down to the delicate beading and detail on her wedding dress. There was even an accurately depicted wedding ring on the finger of the statue's left hand that was pressed to my chest._

_She hurried from the room and I was about to stand to follow her when she came back in, our wedding album tucked under her arm. She placed it down on the table in front of me and flipped quickly through some of the pages until she settled on one and I felt my mouth drop open slightly as I recognized the pose in the picture._

_The same one the statues were in. _

_This was one of the few pictures in the album that wasn't overly sexual. In fact, it was almost the exact opposite. My breath hitched as I saw the love radiating from Bella's eyes. Mine were closed, probably because I was daydreaming about sleeping with Bella in my arms that night. Now sleeping as in having sex, but sharing a bed with my new wife. _

_It had been on my mind a lot that day._

_She looked so happy and I could _see _the love in her eyes, even in the photograph. It caused tears to fill my eyes and I bit my lip hard to keep them from overflowing. I wrapped an arm around Bella's waist and buried my face in her hip, pressing my lips to the exposed skin where her shirt had ridden up._

"_I love you so fucking much," I choked._

_She ran her hands through my hair before turning in my arms, cradling my head against her stomach and leaning over to kiss the top of my head. "I love you too," she murmured. She sounded on the verge of tears too._

_The moment was incredibly tender and I didn't want it to end. However, she seemed to have other things on her mind. She kissed the skin of my neck and tipped my head up. Her eyes were bright with excitement. "Can we put it somewhere?"_

_I chuckled. "What, you think I would want to keep it in the box? Stow it in a closet somewhere?"_

_She lightly popped the top of my head with her hand, then pulled me up with her hands. "Come on, dick, let's put it on the mantle."_

_I followed behind her, my hand tucked in the back pocket of her jeans as she led me to the living room. She pulled the figurine out of the box and set it up on the mantle above the fireplace, adjusting it so that it was best visible. She stepped back against my chest and I wrapped my arms around her from behind, resting my forehead against the top of her head. My chest ached from the amount of love I had for her. _

"_Hey Edward?" she asked softly._

"_Yes, baby?" I murmured into her hair. _

_She threaded her fingers between mine and pressed them against her stomach. She sounded nervous when she spoke. "I know that I didn't really want to have sex with you earlier... but... well, I was wondering if... maybe you would want to... make love to me now?"_

_I laughed in earnest, turning her around in my arms. Her teeth were clamped down hard on her bottom lip and I released it with my thumb. Cradling her small head in my hands, I leaned down and kissed her lightly on the mouth. No tongue, no aggression. Just soft loving. I brushed a rogue strand of hair from her face. "Baby, you don't have to ask me." I kissed her forehead. "I will make love to you whenever you want to."_

_She sighed._

"_You want a matching paper cut on the other cheek?" I asked wolfishly, winking at her. _

_She grinned, shook her head and took my hands in hers. She walked backwards—it was a miracle that she didn't trip on the way—and led me toward our bedroom._

I blinked out of my daze, unsettled by the recollection. It was one of the most pungent memories in my mind. I had felt love strongly for her before, but I had never been taken aback by the force so much. That night I made love to her until the sound of the pot boiling over interrupted me mid-orgasm, and she left the bed shyly, scurrying out of the room to turn the stove off. She returned to bed soon after, dinner forgotten, and nuzzled in my chest, embarrassed and remorseful.

She made up for the interruption by taking me into her mouth until I came hard, and then after I had time to recover I made slow, sacred love to her for the rest of the night.

I didn't have time to recover from my reverie because Alice emerged into the foyer. The moment she saw me, her eyes blazed. She took a step forward.

"Edward, I warned you—"

"Yeah, I heard you," I snapped. "But I don't care what you have to say. I'm here to speak to Bella, not you."

The tips of her ears turned red. "Yeah, well she doesn't want to—"

"I'd like to hear that from her, thank you."

I was amazed at how calm my voice sounded. I really wanted to punch something. My hands were shaking at my sides.

"Well, you're not going to. She doesn't want to speak to you and I'm here to make sure you don't bully her into—"

"My God, Alice, listen to yourself! No, don't, because that would require you to speak more when quite frankly, I am not interested in what you have to say at the moment. I'm sorry. You're my sister, and I love you, but right now, I don't give a _fuck_ about anything that's going to come out of your mouth."

Jasper emerged through the entryway, his jaw tense, his eyes narrowed. "Edward, that's enough."

"No, fuck off. You _will not _tell me what's enough and what's not. I am _tired_ of everyone in this family thinking they know more than I do and trying to tell me how to handle my affairs. First it's you," I pointed at Alice, "then it's Emmett and Rose, then it's Esme. I'm _tired _of it. But let me ask you something. While you were all going on and on about how I had fucked up and what a lousy person I was, did you ever once stop and think about how much pain _I _was in? My wife was going to leave me one way or another, whether she divorced me or fucking _died. _Alice, you sat right in that kitchen and told me that it would do no good for you to be angry with me and that you would comfort me as much as possible. How much of that did you _actually_ do?" She had the decency to look down, ashamed. "And _you," _I pointed a finger at Jasper. "You can't come waltzing into the hospital, while my wife is practically on her fucking deathbed, spouting some bullshit about how I resemble some fucking Greek tragedy, and you expect me to feel better about everything. Just because you got your degree in fucking psychology does not mean know _everything_, nor does it give you the right to tell me what is and isn't wrong with my life!"

I was on a roll, insults hurling from my lips unceasingly now. "You were supposed to be my _best fucking friend _and where were you while I waited day and night for her to wake up? Where were any of you? I know that I fucked up, I figured that out on my own without you all meddling in everything. But what about some fucking comfort for me?" My voice pitched upward into a cruel, mocking tone. "Oh yes, let's all feel bad for Bella because Big Bad Edward cheated on her," my temper was rising through the roof and I knew I was about to crack. "But what about _me_? The woman I loved was _dying_ and where were fucking any of you when I needed comfort and support?" Tears were welling up in my eyes. I was more angry than I could ever remember being. But there was also some other emotion, one that made me feel like a caged animal, and I wanted it out of me so much that I wouldn't stop until it was gone. "You're my fucking family! You are supposed to love me unconditionally, regardless of the stupid, asinine decisions I make! But none of you treated me like a brother or a friend _at all_ over the last few weeks! It felt worse than it would have if Carlisle and Esme would have just sent me back to the orphanage!"

Alice looked at me, tears in her eyes and she opened her mouth to speak. I held up a hand. "I don't want to hear it!" I exploded, my voice reverberating off the walls. It was so loud, even I almost cringed. "I don't want to fucking hear _anything_ from _either _of you! You did well enough leaving me the hell alone at the hospital, so I would think you were capable of it now. What is going on with my marriage is between Bella and me and is no one else's fucking business. So if you don't get out of my way _right _now and let me see her, I will physically move both of you." I raised my eyes to Jasper. "And don't even _think_ about testing me right now because I will knock your ass out."

"You don't have to do that," a voice said from the doorway.

Three pairs of eyes turned to the ashen, small figure cowering against the wall.

In my rage, I hadn't seen her come in.

And I regretted it now.

She looked more scared than I had ever seen her.

Scared of me.

I felt sick.

"Bella—" Alice interjected.

She shook her head. "No, Edward's right. We need to talk. I... maybe I can meet you out in the car?"

Another thing I hadn't noticed in my anger. Sitting next to her on the marble floor were two suitcases.

"But—" Alice tried again.

Jasper shook his head. "Come on, Alice. Give them a few minutes."

She sighed, conflicted, and looked back and forth between us. She nodded slightly and grabbed the handle of one of her suitcases. "Call me when you're heading down."

Bella nodded slightly and pushed the other suitcase over to Jasper with her foot. She crossed her arms over her stomach and looked down at the floor. "I won't take long."

Jasper grabbed her suitcase and made his way toward the door joining Alice. As he walked past me, his eyes met mine, and for a moment I swore I saw something like encouragement and... _hope _his eyes. I gazed away from him, too proud and wounded to do anything but stare blankly into his eyes. I turned away from him, focusing on Bella and her pale face.

The room crackled with tension and raw energy as I stared into her eyes. I was penetrating her, staring straight into her soul, and I could sense just how much I had hurt her. My heart broke. I couldn't fucking handle it.

The door closed behind me and I crossed the room in three strides.

I took her face gently between my hands, despite the raging monster that was writhing inside my skin. The fury I had felt hadn't completely worn off yet and I was holding onto the reigns of it with strenuous control. Part of me wanted to shake her and demand to know why she was doing this. Why she wasn't giving me a chance to explain, why she wasn't giving _us_ a chance to fix what had happened.

"Bella," I whimpered.

She looked looked down at the ground and bit her lip. "Carlisle said I... I won't be able to play violin anymore," she breathed. Her voice cracked. My thumb trailed along her cheekbone.

"Oh, baby," I whispered.

She shook her head and when I looked down, I could see her chin trembling. "Please," she exhaled. "Don't call me that. I'm... I'm not your baby anymore."

My heart clenched at her words. The beast inside me roared, his heartbroken cries echoing through my bones. But I managed to tip her chin up gently with my finger. She refused to meet my eyes.

"Don't say that, Bella," I murmured. I moved a strand of hair away from her face, my fingertips trailing along her cheek. She didn't respond. "Talk to me, sweetheart. Please. Tell me."

She pulled her head from my grip and stepped away from me. She backed up until she hit the wall, her back thudding against it. She winced in pain and I made to walk forward but she shook her head. "Please, don't," she whimpered.

"Bella—"

"Ididittoo," she spit out.

"Sorry?"

She took a deep, calming breath. "I... did it too. I cheated."

I had suspected it, when James came to visit her in the hospital, but she confirmed it. My blood froze and my heart stopped. I squeezed my eyes shut, willing the pain to go away. It was crippling, the ache that appeared in my heart with those words. I choked on my words.

"I... know. I met him. At the hospital. James?"

Her eyes snapped up to mine, wide and panicked.

I shook my head. "It's okay, love." _No, it's not. It's breaking my fucking heart._ "I don't blame you."

"But—"

I shook my head, silencing her. "You don't have to explain anything."

_Please, baby, spare me. I can't bear it._

"I'm not trying to explain," she murmured. My blood ran cold at how dead her voice sounded. "I'm not trying to excuse it either. I just didn't want you to feel guilty about what you've done. It isn't fair of you to shoulder the burden when I'm just as guilty as you are. It would be hypocritical of me to allow you to take all the blame for what's happened to our marriage as well. I know I played a part in how things ended up, and maybe, one day, we will figure out what happened."

Hope flared in my chest, blindingly white and bright and my heart picked up. She was giving me another chance.

"But I... I can't do it now. I can't handle anymore hurt. I just want this to be quick. Easy."

_What? No, this wasn't what was supposed to happen. No, she couldn't be saying these things. This wasn't gow this was supposed to go. Bella, stop..._

"A clean break," she murmured.

My breath caught in my throat.

"No," I whispered. "No, I can't—"

"Edward, please don't make this harder than it has to be. Please, we both can't handle it. Just... just sign the papers."

She picked them up from the end table that held our statue, where they had somehow materialized. She held them out to me, pleading. "Edward, please, just sign them. You told me you would."

This stopped me. "What did you just say?"

She seemed as confused as I did. "I... I don't know where that came from."

"How did you know that I told you I would?"

Her brow furrowed and she looked down at the floor, concentrating. "I... I don't know. I just... I remember you telling me you would?" Her voice came out in a question.

In a blindingly fast movement, I knocked the papers from her hand and grabbed her in my arms as they fluttered to the ground. My mouth moved over her face, barely stopping love enough to taste her skin. She whimpered, holding onto my arms with tight fingers, not pulling me in but not pushing me back either. I felt wetness beneath my lips, not sure whether it was hers or mine, not caring at the moment.

"I love you," I breathed against her skin, barely pausing to get the words out. "I love you, God, Bella, I love you so much. Please, tell me you remember me telling you that too. Please," I barely brushed against her mouth. "Tell me you love me too."

"Edward," she moaned. I pressed forward.

"Edward," she moaned again. My arms wrapped tighter around her.

"No, Edward, I can't," she sobbed, pushing me away from her with a surprising force. "I... I can't!"

"Why not?" my voice rose in desperation. "Why? You're my Bella and I'm your Edward. That's all that matters!"

"No!" she cried. "That's not all that matters! You cheated and so did I! It's no longer just Edward and Bella anymore! It's Edward and Bella and James and every other sleaze you picked up. You're tainted and so am I! We... we can't ever go back to that! You're not the same Edward that I married and I'm not the same Bella you married. You can't love me! I can't..."

"You can't what?" I choked. "You can't love me?"

She didn't answer, instead kneeling on the floor to pick up the papers, tears falling freely down her face.

"Say it, Bella," I whispered. My voice shaking. "Say you don't love me."

"I... I..."

I was by her side in a matter of two seconds, scooping her up off the floor and into my arms. I tore the wig from her head, dropping it to the ground so I could really _see _her. She thrashed in my arms, moving to get away. "Edward, don't, please. Give it back to me, please, I don't want you to see me like this—"

I held her to me tighter, leaning down to brush the bare skin on top of her head with my lips. There was a bandage still covering the incision from her surgery and I laid a kiss there as well. A gentle press, nothing more. I moved slowly, reverently, kissing her as if she would break beneath my hands. "You can't tell me you don't love me because it isn't true," I said softly. I tilted her head back so that I could meet her eyes.

"You're not James's, or any other fucker's. You're _mine._ You have been mine since the day you told me you would marry me. And I'm _yours._ I don't belong to any other whore that I slept with. I've belonged to you since the day you walked into Mr. Molina's Biology class. I was yours the second you blushed when you sat down next to me and I've been yours ever since then. Nothing changes that, Bella. _Nothing."_

I leaned down and pressed my mouth firmly to hers, punctuating my claim. My lips covered hers hotly, pressing, pressing, begging her to believe me and to take me back. And, for a fleeting moment, I thought she would. Her mouth molded to mine softly and her hands crept up to my chest, fisting into my shirt. Her lips moved softly with mine, meeting my yearning equally.

I felt a shove against my chest and I staggered back, stunned. She broke away and ran toward the door, not looking back or speaking. She ripped it open, barely giving me time to whirl around and face her, shocked. "If you love me like I love you," she sobbed, "sign the divorce papers and deliver them to my attorney. If you care about my feelings at all, you won't contact me. Please, Edward, I'm asking you this. If you still have any feelings for me, like you say you do, then do me this one thing and let me be. I... I can't do this anymore."

I stepped forward toward her, and a strangled sob fell from her mouth before she clamped a hand over it and slammed the door closed. Shaking myself out of my paralysis, I ran for the door, yanking it open in time to see her step into the elevator. I ran into the hallway to stop her, but the doors slid closed to the sound of her gut-wrenching sobs.

I stood, frozen in the hallway, for what seemed like hours. I couldn't understand what the pain in my chest was. It wasn't like anything I had felt before. Before, it had been like a knife was stabbing through the ventricles. Now, it was like my heart had been ripped from my chest. There was nothing there. Just this hollow, emptiness that _ached_ somehow. I couldn't fathom it.

And then, all at once, everything came crashing down on me. Tears I hadn't known were falling from my eyes now came out in a torrent. I ran back into the apartment, yanking my hair by the roots, confused as to where the panting, horrendous sobbing was coming from. My knees shook, threatening to collapse from under me.

Pure emotion bubbled within me, something I couldn't put a name to. I lost all sense of reason, smashing the foyer table over, sending the vase of flowers crashing to the ground. Bella had stacked the papers on the floor and I picked them up, throwing them against the wall. I charged over to the table that held the statue, palming it in my hand to take one last good look at it. Then I hurled it up over my shoulder and smashed it against the wall, ignoring the splintering it made in the polished wood walls., ignoring the fine powder that floated in the air.

Ignoring the tiny marble head that rolled across the floor.

My knees really did give out then and I collapsed to the floor. That tiny light that I had felt earlier, that small ray of hope, went out in an instant. It didn't flicker, it didn't wane. It just disappeared, completely obliterated from my heart.

I don't remember much after that.

I fell into darkness.

* * *

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hides behind fingers. Don't kill me?**

**Believe it or not, that's the end of the angst for a little while. I hope you all don't hate me. I'd love to hear what you think. We can talk about it in the reviews :) As always, I'm interested to hear what you have to say, so don't hesitate to shoot me a PM or a review or something. I plan on updating later in the week!**


	9. Recovery

**First, I want to thank all of you that reviewed. Really, some of the responses I got were just so touching and I appreciated each and every one of them. I apologize for not getting back to everyone, but I want to make a few shout-outs very quickly: mscope, your review is permanently saved in my inbox and I've gone back to re-read it numerous times. Many thanks are in order to you, my dear. To twilighted4eternity, thank you for the PM. It gave me a tiny kick in the ass to get going ;) And to everyone else, I greatly appreciate that you're taking the time to read this story. It means a lot lot lot.**

**Alright, more at the bottom. This is a bigger update than usual, to make up for my tardiness. Here's more of what you actually want to read:**

* * *

**CHAPTER NINE - RECOVERY**

Memories sharp as daggers,  
Pierce into the flesh of today.  
Suicide of love,  
Take away all that matters.  
And bury the remains in an unmarked grave  
In your heart.

-_Killing Loneliness _by HIM

**BPOV**

_**Three years later **_

I locked the door behind me and stepped off the stoop onto the lush, damp soil in front of my rental home. I held my wrist up, checking the small silver watch that wrapped around it, and saw that it was already eight thirty. My "five-minute breakfast" had turned into fifteen, and if I couldn't coax my truck past fifty this morning, I was going to be late to work.

It wasn't necessarily dire to get there on time. I worked at the library and Mrs. Cope, who barely knew where to look to find out what time it was, rarely chastised me for being late. I just didn't like being late on principal.

I slammed the door of my truck and slid the key in the ignition, praying it would start this morning. Of course it didn't, truck coughing and wheezing pathetically before dying. I rolled my eyes and pumped the brake a few times, turned the key with a jerk and hoped that the engine would kick to life. After three failed attempts, I was finally able to start the beastly old thing and I pulled out of the driveway, heading into town.

I lived on a slightly deserted road surrounded by nothing but trees and greenery. My closest neighbor was over half a mile away. Real estate that was for sale—let alone within my price range—was hard to come by in Forks, and when I realized that all apartments within driving distance of the library were occupied, I was forced to look a little outside the town limits.

Not that I minded. After living in New York and being surrounded by people constantly for over six years, I appreciated the peace and the solitude.

Jake had graciously offered to let me move in with him, but it was too soon in our relationship to do that. We had only been dating for a few months, and while the proposal of hospitality on the Rez was a welcome thought, I wasn't ready to be caged in again. It seemed like I'd only just discovered the benefits of freedom, and I didn't want to give them up just yet.

Plus, his home in La Push was much too far from the library than I would have liked—I didn't want to get up at five every morning to ensure that I made it to work on time.

I passed by Newton's Outfitters and waved to Mike, who was unloading a new shipment of parkas from the bed of his truck. He had changed quite a bit since high school. His face had lost the baby-like roundness and his cheeks had hollowed out. He seemed to have grown a bit taller and lost the ridiculous Polo shirts with the baby-shade colors and cargo shorts and instead settled for baby-shaded t-shirts and jeans. He had somehow retained his football-ready physique, and I had heard of the wedding band on his left hand.

I hadn't been the only one to marry my high school sweetheart. Only his marriage, to Jessica Stanley of all people, had lasted longer than mine. I was almost ashamed at that; Jessica and Mike had managed to make it work. But of course, I couldn't.

I didn't get the chance to see his wedding band up close. The last time I had talked to him was almost ten years ago, when he and Jessica had still been dating. We had been friends back then, so of course they both had tried to contact me when I returned from New York, to meet for lunch and catch up at the diner. But I never had the heart to accept, and I usually responded with a weak-ass excuse about other obligations, most of which didn't exist.

It wasn't that I didn't like them. While I had been back in Forks for almost three years, I had barely talked to anyone from my previous life there. I still wasn't ready to face them. The ones who had attended my wedding, and now whispered about me behind their hands at the grocery store or gave me pitying looks as I filled my truck with gas.

I wasn't ready to answer the one question on everyone's mind: _Where is Edward?_

I sped into town, waving at people I knew or recognized along the way. I wasn't ready to talk to anyone about what had happened in New York, but I didn't want them all to think I was a total bitch. I didn't go out of my way to avoid people; when someone spoke to me, I responded. When I bought my groceries from Mr. Webber, we chatted lightly about the weather and my home and I often promised to call his son if it ever needed repairs. I talked to Mrs. Cope about the books that needed to be recovered and the ones that had to be put out for the baseball season display. Sometimes, on my way home after a run, I saw Mr. Jenks washing his car in his driveway and I would stop and say 'hello.'

I was polite and friendly to anyone who spoke to me. I just never made an attempt to go close to any of them.

Except Jake.

His companionship had been a blessing. I'd become more and more distant from the Cullens after completing physical training with Emmett and receiving the go-ahead from Carlisle—my health had progressed enough that I was 'medically' allowed to move out from their guest house—and things had gotten strained between us. I tried my best to keep up with Alice, and I responded to Esme's e-mails and Emmett's texts, but things just weren't the same after I moved out.

Sighing, I shook my head as I parked in the parking lot at the library. I had managed to get there with two minutes to spare, and I hurriedly jumped from my truck. In my haste, I slipped on the icy asphalt and cursed lightly as my hand caught on the rusty handle of my truck. Ignoring the sting in my hand, I hurried into the building.

Mrs. Cope was nowhere to be found, as usual, so I headed straight to the return cart and began sorting through the books that had been returned after I left the day before. Snorting at some of the titles, I put them in groups by section and had begun alphabetizing them by author when Mrs. Cope rounded the corner.

"Morning, Bella dear," she chirped, plopping down behind the computer at the circulation desk. She reminded me a bit of Mrs. Bennett from the modern _Pride and Prejudice, _which I had just watched last night. She wasn't as annoying, but her British accent, dainty voice and robust figure gave her a very similar appearance. I couldn't help but smile at her, muttering a similar response and returning back to my task at hand.

It didn't take me long and I wheeled the cart back to the nonfiction section, beginning the daunting shelving process.

I liked working at the library. It was calm, quiet... everything New York hadn't been. It allowed me time to think, time to be by myself. I reveled in the peaceful silence, running my fingers gently over the spines of the books and breathing in a deep sigh of contentment.

I was interrupted by a soft cough behind me, and I whirled around and nearly ran straight into the wide chest of my boyfriend.

"Jake!" I gasped, smiling widely. "Hi!"

He grinned, leaning up against the shelf. "Hey." He held out a paper bag.

I frowned. "What's this?"

He chuckled. "Well, your text this morning was very short, which is highly unusual because you are usually so mouthy." He laughed when I moved to playfully swat him. He caught my hand easily. "You only send me those when you're running late. And when you are running late, you forget to pack a lunch. So I brought one for you." He thrust it toward me again, grinning widely.

"Wow, Jake that's... that's sweet of you." I reached forward, taking the back gingerly from him, feeling a blush creep up my neck. "You didn't have to drive all the way down here to bring that to me."

He laughed, ruffling my hair. "I didn't."

I pouted.

"I had to pick up a part. Dumbass kid I just hired, Embry something-or-other, had it shipped to the post office _here_ rather than my garage," he rolled his eyes. "But I can spare an hour if you want to eat with me."

"But Jake it's only..." I looked at my wrist. It was already twelve thirty. My God.

"Come on, ditsy," he teased lightly, reaching forward and taking my hand. "Where's your break room?"

I let him pull me in the direction of the offices, protesting lightly and without much conviction. "Jake, we're not allowed to bring guests into the break room. It's against library policy."

He didn't turn around to look at me, but looked from left to right, searching. "I saw that woman at the front desk," Jake said. "The one that had 'Library Manager' printed on her name tag—"

"Mrs. Cope."

"—and she was reading one of those trashy romance paperbacks." He turned and waggled his eyebrows at me. "I promise, by the blush on her face, she won't notice a thing."

I giggled behind my hand, blushing. "Jake, that's my _boss_."

He tsked dramatically. "And she shouldn't be participating in activities that result in getting horny at work. What is _wrong _with the management of this establishment?"

I spluttered on a choke. "Jake!" I hissed. "She's seventy-four."

"Are you saying seventy-four year-old women can't get turned on? I'll be sure to inform her of your opinion. How embarrassing."

I couldn't help but laugh at that, taking his hand more firmly, thinking to myself '_To hell with it'_ and leading him toward the break room.

We sat at the small round table and I unrolled the top of the bag, peering inside eagerly. I frowned, confused, and turned it upside down. Two sandwiches, two apples, two Chewy bars, two Capri Sun juice boxes and two Oatmeal Creme Pies tumbled out onto the table.

I looked up at him and grinned.

"Well I wasn't about to take 'no' for an answer," he responded before reaching over and scooping everything that was his toward him.

I laughed. "Jake, did you pack this, or did Claire?"

Claire was Jake's three year-old niece who had just enrolled in preschool. Apparently, Jake and his sister Rebecca had been trying to teach her to decide what she wanted to pack for lunch before she went to school.

The contents of the paper bag looked like they had come straight from her Dora the Explorer lunchbox.

"I babysat her last night," he replied "If you must know, she picked everything that went in here."

I smiled. "Well, that was very sweet of her. Tell her I said thank you."

"And what about me?" he sniffed. "I _packed_ everything."

I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. "Thank you," I cooed softly.

He smiled brightly before tucking into his sandwich. "So," he mumbled around a mouthful of food. "How's work?"

"Fine," I replied. "As exciting as to be expected working in a library."

He snickered and continued eating. As my eyes roamed his dark form, I couldn't help but notice the stark contrast between him and... Edward. Jake was dark, Edward was pale. Jake was bulky, Edward had been lean. Jake was kind and gentle and patient. Edward had been...well...

I ignored the painful squeezing in my chest as I thought of him. Hurt and anger, that was all that I felt now when his face came to mind. The onslaught of memories that came with every mention of him brought so much emotion that I shuddered.

_The outfit I wore was severe; black pencil skirt and blazer with a maroon silk blouse underneath. I had pulled my wig-hair back into a tight bun and foregone makeup. I was already crying when I did my hair so there was no use in even attempting mascara when it would just start running down my face. _

_I was a mess. And I felt like shit._

_I sat quietly next to my lawyer, a woman named Tanya Hunter that I had been working with before my accident. She didn't speak or even look at me, she just stared ahead at Edward's lawyer across the table, tapping her pen lightly on the open folder in front of her. Trying to intimidate him. _

_Which was highly unnecessary. Not to mention annoying. _

_Today we were attending the pretrial settlement conference. I was nervous but Tanya said I shouldn't worry. She would make sure I got everything I wanted. This calmed my anxiety slightly, and I felt the slight comfort of a small dose of courage as I entered the room that morning. Of course, I hadn't seen Edward yet, and when he looked up from the table upon my entrance with those piercing green eyes, any bit of courage I had drained from my body like the blood in my face. _

_I tried not to look at him, to keep my cool, but it was impossible. I looked up at him several times, and each glance was like an icy stab to my heart. He looked incredibly beautiful, even now. His suit was immaculately tailored, tight enough to emphasize his broad chest and muscular torso without being obnoxious. His black jacket was unbuttoned, revealing an emerald Oxford shirt underneath. His features were sharp, from his freshly shaved jaw to his nose to his eyes. His hair was in its usual disarray, but with some evidence that he had tried to tame it. _

_He was staring at the wall behind me, stony and cold, his face an iron, emotionless mask. I could not discern any real emotion, which only made me feel like more of a wreck. I was sure I looked like a complete basket case. My eyes felt dry and puffy and my nose kept running. There were bags under my eyes from lack of sleep and my skin was pale._

_This morning as I adjusted my wig in the bathroom, I felt like a corpse was staring back through the mirror at me, driving the point home. The point that I was miserable._

"_Good morning, everyone," Judge Aro Volturi said, announcing his entrance to the room. He sat at the head of the table, opening up a folder and unscrewing the cap of his fountain pen. He scratched something on a legal pad next to him and then looked up. _

"_Mrs. Hunter, you're client is petitioning for divorce on the grounds of irreconcilable differences, is this correct?"_

"_Yes, Your Honor," she said with a flick of her strawberry blond hair._

"_Mr. Santorini, what is your client's response?"_

_Alec Santorini cast cold, icy blue eyes on my before looking up at the judge. "Mr. Cullen is not contesting," he replied stiffly._

"_Oh good," Judge Volturi said, writing on his pad. "That saves us some trouble. We should be out of here by lunch time." My stomach clenched at his flagrant disregard of sensitivity toward the issue. Edward's eyes snapped up to the Judge, and I felt guilty about being slightly appeased that this got his attention. _

_His glare was absolutely lethal._

_The Judge paid no attention. "Alright, now this is how it's going to go, folks," he said, leaning back in his chair. "Your lawyers have both submitted statements that I've reviewed, so all we need to do is divvy up the assets, settle on an arrangement for alimony and come to a sensible agreement that both parties are happy with. Understood?"_

_Edward agreed with one sharp nod of his head while I mumbled a weak, "Yes, Your Honor." I hated how pitiful my voice sounded and how it cracked, but I looked down at my folded hands on the table to hide my embarrassment._

"_Alright Mrs. Hunter, lay it on the table."_

_Tanya flipped her hair over her shoulder and cast a menacing look at Mr. Santorini before turning to Judge Volturi. "Your Honor," she started. "Mrs. Cullen has made it clear to me that she will be moving back to Washington within the week to undergo monitoring and physical therapy to recover from an accident that nearly left her in a coma two months ago."_

_I risked glancing up at Edward and regretted it. He was glaring at me now, his green eyes smoldering with rage and what looked to be pure hatred. I shriveled in my seat, looking back down at my hands._

"_She has requested that she receive nothing from Mr. Cullen—none of the assets, no alimony, no money whatsoever. She doesn't even want his name. She wants to move on with her life back in her hometown and wants no further contact."_

_My eyes fluttered closed as my chest constricted. She made it sound so... harsh. I had _mentioned _to her that I would be changing my name back to Swan and wasn't sure how she knew the details of my stay at the hospital. I had certainly not told her any of it. The fact that she was bringing up things we hadn't discussed made me nervous._

"_We will also be adding infidelity to the charges against Mr. Cullen."_

_My eyes snapped open and I gaped at her. This was _definitely _not something we had discussed and I began to panic. I turned toward the judge to refute her, ignoring the heat of Edward's stare, but was interrupted by his lawyer. _

"_Well, if this is the case Tanya, then we will be adding the charge of infidelity as well."_

_She rolled her eyes, looking over at Mr. Santorini. "She slept with _one _man, Alec. Not half of New York."_

"_My client has assured me that he has engaged in sexual relations with no more than ten women, Your Honor, which is hardly half of New York." Mr. Santorini rebutted, looking back at Tanya with a challenge in his eyes. "At least the women Mr. Cullen slept with were nameless faceless bodies. Not like your client's conquest. Wasn't it _your _husband that she slept with? Don't you think that jeopardizes your case? A little conflict of interest?"_

_I felt like I was going to faint. I gripped the table for support as bile rose in my throat and I glanced fearfully at Tanya, expecting her to react in some sort of way. I wouldn't be surprised if she turned and slapped me. But she just stared ahead at him, a small smile on her mouth._

"_Yes, I am aware of what occurred between the two of them. No, that doesn't jeopardize anything."_

"_But isn't it true that your husband was her boss? A man whom your client was very familiar with? Someone she confided in? Someone that worked with her at a diner that my client wasn't even aware she worked at?"_

"_Your client was perfectly aware of the fact that she worked at the diner. I wouldn't put it past Mr. Cullen to have known so before, but if not, his run-in with Mr. Hunter in Mrs. Cullen's hospital room would have sealed the deal."_

_I was going to be sick. James? And Edward?_

_IN MY HOSPITAL ROOM?_

"_That aside, it's not the only occurrence hinting at Mrs. Cullen's infidelity," Mr. Santorini sneered _

"_What are you getting at, Alec?"_

"_I'm merely suggesting that Mrs. Cullen was living a double life—one that Mr. Cullen wasn't even aware of. In fact, she told said employer James Hunter that her name was Isabella Swan, not Isabella Cullen. We have the papers right here. A bit of a challenge to her credibility, don't you think?"_

_I gaped. A double life? I worked at a restaurant down the street, for crying out loud. I didn't own another apartment or have another family somewhere!_

"_Your Honor," Tanya whined, looking over at him. "Mr. Santorini is grasping at straws. Mrs. Cullen is a highly renowned violinist with plenty of local media attention, and if Mr. Hunter paid any sort of attention to the morning news—and I can attest that he _doesn't—_he would have realized that her last name was Cullen, not Swan. That's not what is being debated at the moment. She slept with _one_ man throughout the course of her marriage, and that was Mr. Cullen. She engaged in sexual intercourse with James Hunter _after _she had filed paperwork for divorce with me, signaling that her marriage was at an end. Clearly, I am aware of it and clearly, I am still choosing to be her attorney. Mr. Santorini's argument has no foundation."_

"_It has plenty of foundation," he argued. "You're trying to charge my client with infidelity when your client is just as guilty. That's a clear-cut case for hypocrisy, unless you need to go back to grade school and relearn the definition."_

"_Fine then, Mr. Santorini," Tanya replied with a wicked smile on her face. "Maybe it _is _a conflict of interest. But I slept with _you, _so doesn't that create a conflict of interest as well? Or is my definition of hypocrisy wrong?"_

"_Enough!" Edward's booming voice resounded through the room. I looked up at him in shock, not daring to breathe. He stared back at me, his gaze cold and calculating. He held me prisoner with his eyes. He spoke with authority and conviction, commanding the attention of the room. "Isabella is not guilty of anything. If she had sex with James after she filed the papers, then I cannot accuse her of infidelity and it is not my wish to charge her with such. I'm not going to sit here and listen to this pissing contest." He looked down at his expensive silver watch. "I have somewhere to be at two."_

"_As do I," Judge Volturi spoke from the head of the table. "And I happen to agree with Mr. Cullen. Infidelity is out. Are you through, Mrs. Hunter?"_

_She nodded, calmed slightly and smiled. "I am now, Your Honor."_

_He turned to Mr. Santorini. "Rebuttal?"_

_Mr. Santorini leaned over and whispered something in his ear, to which Edward nodded firmly. He whispered something back and then fixed his eyes on the wall behind me._

"_Mr. Cullen does not wish to agree to the terms of the divorce, against my advice," he glanced at me, disdain clear on his face. "He requests that half of their shared bank account, half of the belongings in the apartment and half of the stock he owns be given to Mrs. Cullen. In order to ensure a smooth transition back to Washington."_

_I felt tears well up in my eyes. Why couldn't he just agree? I didn't want anything and he was drawing this out. If he would just agree now, the judge would legalize the divorce and we could leave, me in my own way and he in his. I made to lean over and make this abundantly clear to Tanya when she spoke up again._

"_That won't be necessary, Mr. Santorini," Tanya said. My eyes widened. She couldn't possibly..._

"_In October of 2009, Mrs. Cullen opened an account with Regions Bank and as of today, that account has accrued a little over ten thousand dollars, what with working at the diner and her musical career. There will be no need for—"_

"_You _planned _this?" I looked up at his heartbroken hiss, to see Edward's mask completely broken and his eyes were full of grief and tears. I grimaced at the pained expression on his face and felt a fresh wave of tears flood my eyes as I made to protest. _

"_No, it wasn't—"_

"_Of course she did, Mr. Cullen," Tanya sneered from beside me. "What else was she supposed to do while you 'worked late' and slept around with half of the women of New York?" Her bitchy tone was accompanied by air quotes with her fingers, and I could see the situation beginning to spiral out of control._

"_He slept with under ten, Tanya," Mr. Santorini objected._

"_By whose defini—" _

"_I've heard enough," Judge Volturi stated firmly from the head of the table. "I will not permit the two of you to practice law again together in my presence, do I make myself clear?" He didn't wait for a response. "What I have seen here today is disgraceful, and I have half a mind to send the two of you in front of the review board for disorderly conduct." Tanya stiffened. "And believe me, I'm friends with quite a few people on that board and can guarantee I would not have a problem disbarring either of you."_

_He turned to me. "Mrs. Cullen, is it true that you opened up a bank account at Regions?"_

_I nodded tearfully. "It is, Your Honor."_

"_Very well." He turned to Mr. Santorini. "Seeing as how Mrs. Cullen has the means to make it back to Washington on her own, I see no other reason as to why you can object to her terms. If there are any, you need to make them known _now."

_Alec Santorini sat quietly, not moving. _

"_So be it. Mr. and Mrs. Cullen, I am pleased to announce that this meeting has come to an end. I see no reason for a trial since we all came to an agreement. I will grant Mrs. Cullen the divorce and I will grant Mr. Cullen the rights to all property. Shall there be any other issues, feel free to contact your lawyers to submit an appeal, which I will review carefully and take into consideration. As of this moment, you are now divorced and this meeting is dismissed."_

_He snapped his folder closed. "I bid you all a pleasant day."_

_He stood from the table and strode from the room, leaving the room in utter silence. Me, in shock and disbelief that, just like that, my marriage was over. The boy I had been in love with for nearly half my life was now my ex-husband, and while I had been somewhat confident walking in here this morning, I was now at a loss as to what to do now. I assumed Tanya and Mr. Santorini were silent at the treat of losing their licenses. _

_And Edward... well, I had no idea why Edward was quiet._

_He stood from the table, buttoning his jacket. He shook the hand of his lawyer, then reached across the table and shook Tanya's hand. With a cold glance at me, he nodded once. "Isabella," he muttered with a degree of finality. He didn't wait for me to respond. He turned on his heel and strode from the room._

"_Well, Tanya," Mr. Santorini said, standing from the table. "I'd say you are pretty good at laying it on the table."_

_She smiled and winked at him, all evidence of courtroom tension gone. "You'd know, wouldn't you?"_

_I barely even heard them. I watched Edward's retreating form until the door swung closed behind him. I felt the wet burn of a tear trailing down my cheek but didn't move to wipe it away. I stared down at the table as both lawyers stood, gathering their briefcases and files. I stared down at the table as they both left together._

_I stared at the table for a long time._

_He never called me Isabella. He knew I hated it. He'd always called me— _

"Bella?"

I inhaled quickly and looked up at Jacob, who was gazing at me with an expression of worry and concern.

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah," I nodded, assuring. "Yeah, I'm fine."

Jacob took a deep breath. "You were thinking about him again, weren't you?"

I grabbed his hand and waggled it gently. "It's not important," I said, smiling encouragingly.

He smiled back weakly, gathering up his trash. "I'd better go," he said.

"But Jake... it's only been..." I looked at my watch. I blinked.

"About forty-five minutes," he replied, smiling gently and taking my trash as well. I looked down, surprised. I had eaten all of the sandwich and cream pie, half of the Chewy bar and a few bites from my apple.

Remorse twisted around my heart.

"I'm so sorry, Jake. I really didn't know—"

"It's alright," he said, smiling again. "I just hope you think about me like that, sometimes." He stood up from the table, tossing all the trash in a nearby garbage can. "I'll call you after work, yeah?"

I nodded and stood from the table. "Do you want to come over for dinner?"

He chuckled. "The football game's on tonight."

"I'll order a pizza and some beer and you can come watch it at my place."

He shook his head. "I promised I would watch it with my dad," he said apologetically. My face fell. He reached up and trailed a warm finger across my cheek and down my jaw to my neck. "So pretty," he murmured, leaning forward. I met his mouth eagerly, trying to convey just how sorry I was in my kiss. I tried to pry his lips open with my own, to show him, but with two hands gently cupping my face, he pulled away.

"Why do you always do that?" he asked gently.

"Do what?" I asked breathlessly, already leaning forward to kiss him again.

He stopped me. "You always... try to get physical when you feel you have done something wrong. Don't misunderstand, normally I'm all for it." He tipped my chin up when I looked at the ground. "But I'm just not into sexin' it up when you're distracted by your ex-husband."

_Ex-husband... _it sounded weird coming from someone else. A tear fell down my cheek.

He pressed a kiss to my forehead. "What did he do to you?" he whispered, more so to himself than to me.

I didn't understand, and I meant to ask him but when he pulled back, all traces of sadness were gone from his eyes. He smiled playfully, tugging on my hair. "You better get to work, little girl. Don't want Mrs. Cope up there to think we were engaging in some of the activities she was reading about."

I gasped. "She wouldn't!"

He laughed. "You're right. _If _we were doing anything of that nature, it would definitely not be something she would read about. I don't think it would be allowed to be printed." His eyes gleamed wickedly before kissing me on the forehead again and turning toward the door. "I'll call you, okay?"

I nodded, still dazed by his comment. "Okay."

He chuckled. "See you later, _quo pot," _he said softly as he turned to leave the room. The door swung shut behind him, leaving me feeling guilty and ashamed that I had allowed myself to drift off and think about my ex-husband in the presence of my boyfriend.

I sighed and left the room, heading back for the abandoned shelving cart in the middle of the Children's Fiction: Da – Du section. I sighed as I picked up a book, wedging my hand between two books and sliding it in the open space there.

The memory left me rattled, causing me to make more mistakes than usual. I shelved books in the wrong places, which I knew but neglected to fix. The display I set up was sloppy and I saw Mrs. Cope eying me warily and tsking as she straightened out some of the books. She ended up sending me home early, telling me to drink some chicken broth and get plenty of sleep.

Driving home, I found myself once again comparing Jacob and Edward, which infuriated me. There was no reason for it—Edward and I had been divorced for nearly three years now. I had grown to quite nearly hate him for all he had put me through in New York, especially after I moved back here and saw all that had been missing from my life.

He still lived in New York, last time I heard, and true to the agreement our lawyers reached, I had had no contact with him since he walked out of the Judge's chambers. I hopped on a plane with a suitcase full of clothes and came back to Forks later that week. I spent a few months grieving before one day realizing that I needed to move on with my life. I sold my expensive clothing and bought jeans and plain long sleeved t-shirts. I finally exchanged Cullen for Swan.

I replaced his presence in my life.

With Jacob.

I had been surprised at how easily things had worked out between the two of us. About a year after I had been back in Forks, he showed up on my front step with a box of tools, claiming that he was going to fix my truck. He'd called a few times before then, asking if he could come and look it, but I had respectfully declined. Now, on my front doorstep, he playfully refused to take 'no' for an answer and claimed that since he had given it to me, it was his 'duty as the gift-giver to make sure that _his_ gift was kept in good condition.'

Whatever. He had been my friend all those years ago and I had missed him. So if he wanted to work on my truck, he could do so whenever he wanted.

He spent a good two hours underneath the hood, and I didn't feel right just sending him off when he was finished. We'd been such good friends before and I wanted to catch up and see what he had been up to lately. So I invited him in for some iced tea and fried up some grilled cheeses.

Things went on from there.

He'd changed a lot since high school as well. He was _huge_, dwarfing my small card/dining table with his large frame. His hands had to be the size of dinner plates, his shoulders the length of the small door frames in the house. He no longer kept his hair long and in a ponytail, but wore it short, shaved close to his head. He'd replaced the greasy mechanic shop jerseys of his youth with tight black shirts that showed off his... rather impressive abdominals and broad pectoral muscles. His smile was bright and his eyes danced.

He made me happy.

He found excuses to come back once a week. He'd found something else that was wrong with the truck. There was a leak in my ceiling—which I still believe to be nonexistent—my dishwasher needed new blades, my air conditioning filters needed to be replaced (which I was perfectly capable of doing myself). Then he was coming over once every day, and when he ran out of things to fix he just came over for no reason. We sat and ate together and he kept my company. He didn't push to find out why I came back to Forks and he didn't prod for answers about Edward.

He was comfortable. He was familiar. We had been friends as teenagers, so when he asked me out on a date, I agreed with little hesitation and I had been seeing him ever since.

We never talked about Edward in the open. There were times where I would tell him a snippet or two of what happened, but he really only knew that Edward and I were divorced, he lived there and I moved here after getting in a really bad accident. I didn't want the negativity of my past life to color our relationship in the present, so I kept it to myself.

And he was okay with that.

According to Carlisle, I had healed remarkably well, which made keeping my past hidden from Jake and everyone much easier. My hair had grown back to almost its full length and, thanks to Alice, I had learned to style it in a way to hide the scars on my head from my surgery. I completed physical training with Emmett and was pleased that I could walk without assistance or a limp. My brain functioned at the same capacity it had before.

The only evidence of my life in New York was left in my wrist. I had gained about eighty percent rotation back. A miracle to everyone else. To me, it was a curse. Everytime I went to pick up my violin, I was reminded that I couldn't play it and I was reminded why. So, to hide that from Jake, I switched to piano. And I was picking up quite well.

I pulled into my driveway and jumped from my truck, hearing the loud ringing of my phone within the house. I scrambled to the front door, fumbling with my key and pushing through in time to snatch it up from the table in the small living room.

"Hello?" I asked breathlessly.

"_Hi, Bella_!" an excited voice chirped from the other end of the line.

"Alice," I sighed, smiling. I hadn't spoken to her in almost a week. She and Jasper and their two year-old daughter Makenna had been on a vacation in Paris—something or other about Fashion Week—and they had returned just yesterday.

"_How are you?" _she asked.

"I'm doing well. I just got home from work. How was the flight home?"

"_Fine," _shesighed dramatically. "_Makenna fussed the whole way home and Jasper got cranky the last few hours, but they had fun."_

"_Yeah right!" _a voice called from the background. I smiled.

"Tell Jasper I said hi."

"_She said you're annoying and that you need to quit listening in on my conversations," _Alice called and I heard the distinct sound of Jasper's laugh. _"Anyway," _Alice continued. _"We were wondering if you wanted to come over for dinner? We were were supposed to go over to Mom and Dad's but the Great Doctor came down with something and Mom doesn't want him to give it to Makenna. So since we're already dressed and I made boysenberry rhubarb pie, we figured we would invite some company. You down?"_

"Gee, Alice, how considerate. I wouldn't want to be the cause of the demise of your outfit and pie," I teased.

She clucked her tongue. _"Always with the sarcasm. Come over."_

"I can't. I already ordered a pizza and I'm going to watch the football game—"

"_No you didn't and no you aren't. Stop making excuses and come over. Makenna misses her Godmommy_."

She pulled out the big guns. She knew I couldn't resist that baby, so with a sigh I told her I would be there in thirty minutes. I could see her jumping up and down and clapping her hands as I laughed as I hung up the phone.

I climbed the stairs to my bedroom. I didn't feel the need to dress in something other than what I already had on—a simple black skirt and white blouse. I traded my low heels for flats and pulled my hair into a neater bun, but other than that, I didn't have much to do. I headed back downstairs and grabbed a box of wine from my counter, snatched up my keys and headed back out to my truck.

I arrived at Alice's about twenty minutes later, barely taking in the ornate exterior—I'd been there enough times that the splendor had little effect on me. I entered through the front gate that was embellished with a large, garish looking silver W and parked my truck in the sprawling driveway. The fountain in the center of it trickled peacefully and I smiled as I passed it, seeing copper pennies shimmering at the bottom.

No one taught their children to waste money better than Alice did.

Her house had her name written all over it. The exterior was a smokey pale blue with white shutters and trim and... sparkles everywhere. The mailbox was a glimmering silver. The outdoor lamps mounted to the wall were oversized, complete with silver frames cracked glass that cast shimmering rays over the sidewalk. The windows seemed to glimmer in the fading light. The landscape was perfectly manicured, all the way up to the plants that had been trimmed into swirls that reminded me of ice cream. The large trees that stood along the inside of the gate twinkled with tiny lights.

I raised my hand to the large polished silver knocker.

The door swung open before I had a chance to knock, revealing a tiny little girl holding it open with wide arms. Her black hair that hung in soft, natural coils to her shoulders was pinned up in a tiny white bow. She had on tiny white ballerina flats.

And was wearing an over-sized white t-shirt with a Confederate flag on the front.

"Annie Bella!" she squealed, throwing her arms up into the air, a symbol that she wanted me to pick her up.

"Is someone calling my name?" I asked, looking straight past her playfully. I poked my head inside the door, turning it left and right. "I could swear I heard a little princess calling my name, but I can't seem to seem to find her anywhere."

"Down heoh Annie Bella!" she laughed.

I finally looked down at her. "Oh, _there _you are," I chuckled, putting the wine down on a small round—silver and more cracked glass—table outside the front door before lifting her into my arms. "How's my sweetest girl?"

"I got anudder toof!" she grinned largely.

"Let me see," I said, peering inside her mouth. "Well, would you look at that," I mused. "I suspect we're going to have to put some gold on that pretty soon, what do you think?"

Makenna smiled gleefully, but was interrupted by her mother.

"You will do no such thing," a voice called, and suddenly Alice materialized where Makenna had been two seconds ago.

Makenna frowned. "But Mommy, you like gold. You bought my dis gold in Pawis." She held out her wrist to show a tiny gold chain.

I chuckled.

"I know I did, baby," she sighed. "But _that _gold is pretty. Auntie Bella is trying to turn you into a hoodlum. Which is tacky."

I rolled my eyes. "I think Daddy beat Auntie Bella, Alice."

While Alice tried to see what was on the t-shirt, Makenna turned to me and informed me, "I just learned what tacky means dis week."

"Oh yeah?" I asked. "What's that?"

We were interrupted as Alice finally took notice of her apparel. "Oh my... Jasper!"

He came up behind her, tossing a kitchen towel over his shoulder. "Hey there, Auntie Bella."

"Don't 'Auntie Bella' her, Jasper. What the fu—fudge is Makenna wearing and where the fudge did she get it?"

Makenna turned to me and whispered, "Mommy says fudge when she wants to say somefing badder," she explained sensibly. "But I heard her say da bad fing before. It's 'fu—'" I pressed a finger over her mouth.

"It's a cultural thing, babe," he grinned, winking at me. "We chose to raise a child in the Northwest, but we don't want her to be ignorant of other cultures. The South is not something that should be forgotten; it molds some of the best people in history. Just look at me," he said, puffing his chest out.

"Yeah, you and the Bush family," she quipped sarcastically. She pointed at the t-shirt. "_That _isn't cultural. Something cultural would be... those cute little pink cowboy boots we bought her when we visited Tennessee. _Not_ a Confederate flag. Our neighbors are going to think we're raising a racist."

"Whass a racist?"

"Someone who—"

"Alright, enough!" Alice said sternly. "Bella, put Makenna down." She had entered Mother mode. "Makenna, please go put your dress back on, sweetheart."

I watched as Makenna tottered through the house.

"Shouldn't she stay away from the stairs?" I asked, a bit concerned.

"Her dress is on the couch in the den," Alice replied dismissively. "She knows that. It doesn't concern me at the moment." She turned to her husband, glaring. "Jasper, where the fuck did you get that shirt?"

"I bought it online."

She spluttered. "You... you bought a t-shirt... with a Confederate flag on it... online?"

"Yes."

She narrowed her eyes at him. "Jasper Hale Whitlock, I think you're just doing this to spite me."

He winked at me again before putting his arm around Alice's shoulder. "Naw, darlin'," he replied, his Southern drawl thickening. "I wouldn't dream of it. This is purely for her and her education. Just be lucky I don't take it farther with hands-on experience and take her skeet shootin' or teach her how to suck the head meat out of crayfish."

I chuckled when Alice's face paled as he turned her around and led her back into the house. I followed a few paces behind, taking my time to look at all the photos Alice had hanging on the wall—framed in silver, of course.

There were posed shots of Makenna as a baby in black-and-white, a photo from her wedding in a small cathedral in France—don't even ask how expensive _that _trip was—pictures of her and her father when she graduated from Princeton before heading to design school, some from her honeymoon with Jasper in Europe, and of course a current family shot. I chuckled at that one. Makenna was smiling beautifully, as expected, but her facial expression was one of mischief and defiance.

Jasper's child through and through.

I moved to a picture of Alice and Jasper, along with Emmett and Rosalie on a beach in Bora Bora. I couldn't help but feel remorse and sadness, not to mention anger, as I saw how happy they all looked. Edward and I should have been in this picture too. We had been invited to go on the trip with them, after all. But of course, I had declined. Edward wasn't able to get away from work.

My musings were interrupted when my cell phone buzzed in my pocket. It was Jacob.

"Hello?"

"I need your help," he said, his voice a tad desperate.

I frowned. "What's wrong?"

"Don't laugh, okay?" he pleaded.

I nodded, then remembered he couldn't see me. "Okay, I won't. Jake, what's going on?"

He sighed, his voice nervous. "Remember when we were talking about how hard it is to live so far away from each other... how hard it is _physically_?" The way he said it sent shivers down my spine. Good shivers. I waited. "Well... I... I made something for you."

"Pardon?"

"I got one of those kits and made you a..." he whispered something I couldn't make out.

"I'm sorry, a what?"

"A mock cock," he said a little louder.

I choked. "A _what_?"

"Let me finish." He sounded pained. He sighed again. "Okay, well Dad and I were supposed to watch Claire tonight, which I totally forgot about. Rebecca didn't bring any games with her or anything and I hadn't even begun to think of anything to do with her. So I took her outside and turned on the sprinkler and let her run around for a little while."

"Okay? Jacob, you're not making sense."

"She got dirty. I mean, _really _dirty. I've never seen a kid get so covered in mud, not even me. So I told her to go get a towel out of my room while I ran a bath for her." His voice shook. "Well... she came back into the bathroom with the... cock... and told me she wanted to play mermaids with it." To emphasize his point, I heard the water in the bathtub splash.

I giggled. I covered my mouth to hide it, but I couldn't stop the laughter building within me.

"Bella, this isn't funny!" he hissed. "I'm standing outside of my bathroom while my niece plays with a rubber replica of my dick in the bathtub! She put her fucking hair clip on it! My dick is wearing a sparkly flower hair clip!"

I was laughing in earnest at him now. He didn't even stop to chastise me, he just kept going.

"This could count for molestation, couldn't it? I mean, I don't know if she's molesting me or I'm molesting her or... oh God, your dad could arrest me, couldn't he? Shit, Bella, what am I supposed to do? I tried taking it away from her but she threw this fucking temper tantrum that made me want to hide under my bed."

"Would you like me to talk to her?" I asked, gasping around my laughter. He huffed but I could hear him moving back into the bathroom.

"Hey Claire? You wanna give me your mermaid so you can talk to Bella?"

"No!" she shouted. "Ariel can't come out of da water or she will die!"

"Baby, Bella really wants to talk to you."

"But..."

"Claire," he scolded, "I promise that Ariel will not die. Please talk to Bella."

There was a bit of splashing before I heard her soft little voice on the phone.

"Hi Bella," she murmured.

"Hey Claire. What're you up to?"

"Uncle Jake's playing mermaids wif me in da baftub."

"Oh yeah? That sounds... fun." _God, this is so weird._

"Yeah. His mermaid doesn't look like the one I have at home though. It doesn't have a head."

I choked again, clutching a side table to keep myself from falling over. I chuckled, trying desperately to keep my laughter at bay. "You're right, sweetheart. But you know what? I bet Uncle Jake can find something better for your mermaid. What do you think?"

"He doesn't _have_ anything." I could picture her rolling her eyes.

"How 'bout you hand the phone back to Uncle Jake and I'll help him find something."

"Really?" she squealed.

"Mhmm."

"Uncle Jake," she called. "Bella's gonna help you find somefing to be my mermaid."

"Bella?" he breathed. "Do you have any ideas?"

"Do you have a tube of hair gel or something? One that's wider at the end?"

I could hear him rifling around in the medicine cabinet that I knew was right over the sink. "Um, yeah. Yeah, this'll work."

"Just tell her that the wide end is the tail."

"Oh God, thank you so much. You just saved both of us a lifetime of mental scarring."

I chuckled. "You're welcome. I'm happy to help whenever you need it. I'm over at Alice's right now for dinner, can I call you a little later?"

"Yeah, that's fine," he replied distractedly. "I'll call you tonight. Claire, don't squeeze it!"

I snickered. "Bye Jake."

"Bye."

I snapped the phone shut and headed to Alice's kitchen, where she was tossing a salad together. Smiling at me, she handed me a glass of wine. It was white. I brought red.

"Alice, I brought some wine."

"I know," she replied, walking to the refrigerator to pull out a bowl of something white. "It doesn't go with the meat tonight, otherwise I would've served some. It'll compliment dessert though, so I had Jasper put it in the refrigerator." She smiled at me.

I leaned against the black granite countertop. "She's gotten so big," I said, nodding toward Makenna who came racing through the kitchen in her dress.

"I can't keep up sometimes," Alice murmured. "It's like one minute she won't make a peep and is refusing to give up her pacifier and then the next she's back-sassing me. Bella, the other day I told her to put of her clothes in her hamper and you know what she said? She told me that since I didn't have to do it, she didn't either."

I laughed. "Seems she got more of Jasper's genes."

"God, you're telling me. She would much rather be out playing in the mud than with the antique dollhouse I just bought her."

I grinned at Makenna affectionately. "Are you Daddy's girl?" I asked her.

She scowled at me. "No. I'm mad at him wite now."

"Why's that?" Alice asked. "Did Daddy tickle you again?"

"Yes!" she replied. "He tickle me an I don wanna be tickle. I _told _him."

"She hates being tickled," Alice whispered to me. "I swear, it would be better punishment than putting her in time-out. Makenna, would you please help Mommy and take this to the table?"

She looked down at the bowl. "What is it?"

"Sauce for the fish."

Makenna wrinkled her nose. "I don't _like _fish. Dats yucky."

"You don't have to eat it, honey. I have some chicken nuggets in the oven."

She grinned. "Okay!" She took the bowl and tottered from the kitchen.

Alice turned to me then, resting against the countertop next to me. Her eyes took on a more serious tone as she spoke to me. "It's been a while. I don't like going so long without hearing from you."

I chuckled. "Is the big bad wolf coming to get me?"

"You know what I mean," she said sternly. "It's not easy to go through what you did. I worry about you a lot."

I softened at that. She really was a good friend. "I know, Alice. But I'm fine, honestly. Life goes on."

Her eyes narrowed, but she didn't press. "Well, what have you been up to?"

"Same old," I replied, sipping my wine. "Working at the library, hanging out with Jake." Her nose wrinkled. _Typical Alice._ "You don't have anything to worry about." I encouraged, nudging her hip with mine.

"Yeah, well... we miss you around here. Makenna more than anyone." We watched as she chased Jasper around the dining room, trying to be stealthy by crawling under the table. All care for her pretty dress had gone out the window. "My God, she will never learn," Alice murmured lovingly. "It's like I'm raising two children, instead of one." She turned to me. "She loves you, you know. She told me the other day that you're her favorite aunt."

I chuckled. "That's because when she sleeps over at my house I let her wear t-shirts." I arched an eyebrow at her.

"I let her wear t-shirts too," she replied, sniffing. "Just not ugly ones."

I giggled. "Alice, all t-shirts are ugly. That's kind of the point."

"Okay, well not t-shirts that have Confederate flags on them."

I laughed.

"You seem happy," she said, smiling. "I haven't seen you smile this much in a while. Are you? Happy?"

"It can be hard sometimes," I replied, Edward's face flashing through my mind. I shook my head. "But it's getting easier." I thought back on my life over the past few years. My job at the library with Mrs. Cope. My time with Jake. Having better relationships with Alice and Jasper. Having Claire and Makenna in my life.

"You know, Alice? I think I am."

* * *

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: Soooooooooooooooooo yes, quite a big jump. Lots of things are still missing. Is Carlisle really sick? Where did Edward have to be during the proceedings? What happened after Bella left? All will be answered soon. Hopefully this chapter answers the question that so many had: No, she did not get pregnant with James' baby. Snaps all around for that one. A few things to make note of real quick:**

**-_quo pot = _my love**

**-Some readers have encountered divorces firsthand, and for those of you that have, don't stone me for how flawed the proceedings were. I did minimal research for them and used a bit of what I've seen in movies... That's it :/ I apologize for some inaccuracy, but I hope it wasn't blatantly wrong. **

**-No, Bella did not know James' wife was working as her attorney. This is something that was revealed for the first time during the meeting. This is not something that will stir up problems, however. This is the last time we will see Tanya in a major setting.**

**-For all who are angry that she didn't stay with Edward, please take note of a few things. No "I love you's," her hesitancy to move in with Jake, etcetera. I haven't done too much with it yet but I will elaborate more on it later. I'm kinda an HEA type-a gal myself, so just stick with me. **

**-Thoughts on Bella's relationship with Jacob? Her life in Forks? It's a big time leap, I know, but all will be filled in in due time. Have faith! **

**EPOV coming up next. Leave a review, pleeeease. I'm awful at getting back to them in a timely manner, but just know that I appreciate every single one! Now I'm off to watch _Blue Valentine. _Cheers!**


	10. Good Samaritan

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:**

***hiding behind a wall of pillows***

**Pleasedon'tkillmepleasedon'tkillmepleasedon'tkillmeI'msorrypleasedon'tkillme…**

**We'll save the note for the end…**

* * *

**CHAPTER TEN – GOOD SAMARITAN**

I may never sleep tonight,  
As long as you're still burning bright.  
If I could trade mistakes for sheep,  
Count me away before you sleep,  
I'll stay awake til I trade my mistakes  
So they fade away.

-_Trade Mistakes _by Panic! at the Disco

EPOV

"In the case of Edward Anthony Masen Cullen versus Steinbecker International, I hereby award the defendant Edward Anthony Masen Cullen restitution in the amount of three million, four hundred and fifty dollars, to be paid by the end of this month. In the case of Corin Laila Grey versus Steinbecker International, I hereby award the defendant restitution in the amount of…"

I sat in my chair, stunned. Alec Santorini—the fucker that had worked with me through my divorce—sat beside me, exuberant. He should be… he would be getting a hefty check in the mail by the end of the week for all of his fine work and his victory probably put him fifty rungs higher on the corporate lawyer latter.

Fuck. Three million dollars…

What the hell was I supposed to do with it?

I wanted to grab my phone from my pocket and call Bella. To tell her that we'd won, that I would be home soon and that she should pack her things up because we were moving back home. To Washington. But in a moment of stunning pain, I realized I couldn't call her. She was already home, in Forks. And I was still here.

In New York.

In the past three years, little had made me forget that we were no longer married. Most days it was all I could think about—how much I missed her scent on my pillow, how much I missed the smells of her cooking coming from the kitchen, how much I hated spending my birthday alone.

It took something extreme, like winning a lawsuit against my former employer that made me forget that we were divorced. Something like winning three and a half million dollars that made my mind unconsciously pretend we were still married, so I could be happy for a few moments and relish in the feelings of joy.

I listened as the judge read out the money awarded to each and every one of the twenty something clients in the room. Clients that had all received the same treatment from John Clark that was similar to mine—being fired without pay for attending to family emergencies—and for situations not so similar to mine—sexual harassment and blackmail. He was a douchebag through and through, and Alec went to every length possible to dig up the dirt he needed. And when he presented his findings to the judge, it was like the carpet was ripped out from under Steinbecker International. The judge was harsh and awarded everyone triple what they were asking. Ruthless and unrelenting.

Alec's excitement was running down his leg.

It wasn't enough to completely break the company, but it was enough to set them back for a few years. John was fired as soon as he was subpoenaed, and as far as I was concerned, my work—literally and figuratively—was done.

I should have walked out of the courthouse euphoric, but I was far from it. Nothing in my life had changed. I was still going back to an empty apartment, to sit in an empty living room and to watch the same news report I had watched that morning. When that was over, I would go to the gym and run until my legs nearly gave out. Then I would come back to the same empty apartment, eat the same bland microwave meals and go to sleep in an empty bed.

I was only three and a half million dollars richer this time.

I took a cab back to my apartment—a tiny studio located in a five floor walk-up above a Chinese takeout restaurant in Chelsea. I couldn't stand to live in _our _old apartment, so I sold it within a week of the divorce and moved out. I shipped what Bella wanted back to Washington and sold the rest of our furniture. No longer wishing to work for a large corporation, I got a job at a piano repair shop, a complete disgrace to anyone that knew me from my previous life. When I wasn't making house calls tuning or repairing pianos, I was trying to sell them, sometimes going door to door.

I never spent the money I made. Everything I had before the divorce stayed in the bank, even the money I tried sending Bella for a year after she moved—she never deposited the checks. Excluding the restitution from the lawsuit I probably had nearly two to three million saved up by this point. Not that it mattered, I had no use for it anyway.

Running that night was a mechanic activity; my legs moved but I didn't feel anything. I was just going through the motions of a blank existence. I left the gym feeling no more accomplished than I did entering it. I didn't feel the biting chill of an incoming winter as I left through the glass doors, I just tucked my hands into the pockets of my gym shorts and started on the walk back to my apartment.

Keeping my head down, I walked past among all the men I used to be; the men with their Blackberries glued to their ears, barking orders to their innocent victims on the other end of the line. Men who carried their briefcases as if they contained millions of dollars—and if they _were_ like me, the documents contained in those briefcases probably were.

I turned a corner that led me away from the busy street back toward my neighborhood. The day was quickly fading, darkness descending over the city. The sidewalk was empty, darker than the street I just stepped off of because of the high rises on either side of me. I stuck my hands deeper in my pockets, focused on the ground below me until I felt a tap on my shoulder.

"I'm sorry to bother you sir, but do you have any spare change?"

I stared at him. He seemed familiar to me, and I swore I'd seen him somewhere before. His skin was red and there were the beginning signs of stubble growing on his face. I could see the old scars of acne and the newly forming ones from scabs that looked like they were boring holes in his face. His hair was matted and he shivered slightly as he stood, a good few inches shorter than I, rocking back and forth. He wasn't wearing much, and I knew it must have been cold for him. He looked at me expectantly.

I couldn't shake the feeling that I'd seen him before. It made me uneasy.

"I'm sorry sir, but… do I know you? Have I seen you somewhere before?"

The man peered at me, squinting as he examined my face. I thought I saw a spark of recognition in his eyes, but that faded as he shook his head.

"Poor guy like me talks to a lot of people in a day, sir. There's a chance, but I doubt it. New York is a big place"

I shook my head, trying to clear the creeping suspicion that I knew him. I reached into my pocket, pulling out my wallet. I pulled out all I head, a twenty and two fives, and handed them to him. I searched for more money, but couldn't find any in the pockets. "I'm sorry, that's all I have."

"God bless you, son," he said, his eyes wide as I handed the bills to him. "My daughter is sick and I need to take her to the hospital."

"You… you have a daughter?"

"Yes sir, she's turning fourteen this January." His smile faded from his face. "If she makes it to January."

His statement hit me hard. "How sick is she?"

He shrugged. "No way of knowing. Haven't been able to take her to see a doctor yet. I just know that throwing up like that ain't normal."

I bit my lip, unsure of how to respond. Reaching back into my wallet, I pulled out a grocery store receipt. I pulled a pen out of my pocket and scribbled two phone numbers on the back. I handed him the paper. "Call this number first, it's my father's. He's a doctor. Tell him you're a friend of Edward's and you need a diagnosis for your daughter," I explained. "He'll do it, no questions asked. And then when you find out what it is, call me at this number. I'll help you arrange for her medical care."

He gaped at me.

"P… pardon?"

"Do you not have a phone? You can use mine if you'd like, my apartment is—"

"No, no," he replied, sounding dazed. "I have some change for a pay phone. I just can't… I've been on these streets for the past seven years and no one has ever been as generous as you have in the past two minutes."

My heart constricted. "Your daughter's been sick for seven years?"

He smiled. "No, she just started getting sick a few months ago. We lost my wife a few years back, and when my daughter started getting sick I just knew I couldn't go through that again."

I let out a shaky breath. "Do you have a place to stay?"

He smiled at me. "Yes, son, we stay at the shelter a few blocks away. Really, you've done more than enough. I'm just going to get back to Charlotte. She hates when I'm out for too long and I don't want her to worry."

"Do you need a ride? I can pay for a cab…"

"Son, you have done far more than enough, and I thank you. But anymore help from you and I'm afraid I won't be able to repay you in this lifetime. Which I would very much like to do. A man in my position doesn't have much dignity in the first place, and I would like to keep what little I have. So, I thank you for all you've done, and I'm going to get back to the shelter. I will give you a call when I speak to your father… Carlisle?"

"Yes, yes," I answered.

He patted me on the shoulder once. "You're a good man, Edward Cullen."

How I wished his statement was true. I watched him walk to the end of the sidewalk, about to turn the corner I had just come from, when I realized I didn't know his name.

"Wait," I called, jogging up to him. "I didn't catch your name."

"My name is Peter," he said, smiling. "Peter Gabriel."

* * *

Sitting on the couch in my apartment, I stared at the phone, willing it to ring. I was anxious to find out what was wrong with Charlotte. I wanted to help her. But the phone never rang. The clock edged along, minutes ticking by slowly as drops of condensation rolled down the beer bottle that was lodged in my hand.

The phone never rang.

I slept restlessly that night. Mentioning my father's name brought back all sorts of emotions I had tried to stop feeling. Longing for my family. Longing for my ex-wife. Images of her living in Forks were at the forefront of my mind and tears leaked from my eyelids as I pictured her living there with them.

Bella going shopping in Port Angeles with Alice and her daughter Makenna.

Bella at the movie theatre with Mike Newton and his wife; not double dating though. I couldn't stomach that thought without feeling nauseous.

Bella celebrating Christmas with my family.

Bella living a life. Without me.

It still hurt to think about, even now three years later.

"_Esme, this turkey is phenomenal," Bella said around a mouthful of the bird my mother had spent all day slaving over. "I'm going to need to get the recipe."_

"_Oh please, Bella," my mother chided, rolling her eyes. "You don't need any cooking advice from me. This stuffing is to die for."_

"_Well, Edward is going to expect me to be able to prepare turkey this well when we start hosting holidays at our apartment," she said, her bottom lip poking out in a delicious pout. "I'll need _something _to impress this pig." She hitched a thumb at me, which I ignored._

"_It's true," I piped up, scooping bread pudding into my mouth. "I didn't just marry her because she's beautiful. She has to be able to satisfy my appetite."_

"_Oh, she seems to be doing that just fine," Alice piped up from the other side of the table._

_Bella's face flamed. _

"_Oh, she does," I said, winking. "But I was talking about on the dinner table."_

"_You two haven't fucked on the dinner table?" Emmett asked. I choked on my food. Bella's face was quickly approaching purple._

"_Emmett, language," my mother warned. But even her eyes were twinkling._

"_Let me rephrase," I continued. I would like Bella to _cook food _that will satisfy my appetite."_

"_But you two _have _fucked on the dinner table," he reiterated, looking at me seriously. Rosalie, silent up until this point, reached over and smacked the back of his head. "Ow, babe, that hurt," he said. "I was simply asking an honest question. Everyone knows that within six months of marriage you are supposed to have fucked on the dining room table. It's a faux-pas if you haven't."_

_She raised her hand to smack him again and I just simply laughed. "Believe me, there are no faux-pas," I said, wrapping an arm around Bella's shoulder in comfort. The girl looked like she was going to vomit out of humiliation. It was a little sick, but I had to say I was enjoying it. "Right baby?"_

_She glared at me but was saved by Carlisle. "There's nothing to be ashamed of, Bella," he comforted her, forking snow peas into his mouth. "Why, when Esme and I were first married, we made love on the dinner table more than anywhere else in the house. Wasn't that where Emmett was conceived, dear?"_

_All hell broke loose at that; Emmett spewed his wine, Alice gasped with a shocked cry and covered her ears and I choked on my lamb. Bella convulsed in a fit of laughter, Jasper looked on the verge of tears himself and Rosalie just stared, her food poised right above her waiting mouth, too shocked to move._

_My mother just laughed._

"_No, I think that was Alice, sweetheart."_

"_Alright!" I announced, standing from the table. "Who's ready for presents?"_

_Those related to me by blood left the table faster than I'd ever seen them move. My mother's saddened, "But there's still desert," went unheard by anyone who had come from her uterus as we tore ass from the dining room and rushed into the living room._

_I buried my face in Bella's stomach as she joined me on the sofa moments later. "Tell me it's over," I mumbled, nuzzling her stomach softly. _

"_God baby, I hope not," she laughed. "That was the funniest damn thing I've heard in a long time." She poked my shoulder. "And you had it coming too, you and Emmett carrying on with all your table talk."_

"_Watch your mouth," Emmett called from across the room. Rosalie was perched in his lap, playing with his hair as he rubbed her back. "They'll come in here and start telling stories about how Alice walked in on them—"_

"_Enough, Emmett!" Alice called. She was sitting in an armchair, legs spread to accommodate Jasper's back as he sat on the floor in front of her. We were all pleasantly surprised that he had lasted this long. Even though Jasper and I been friends in high school and I _should _have been against the idea of the two of them dating, I wasn't. She seemed happy, so I let it be. She ran her fingers through his hair. "We don't need to hear that story again."_

_I shuddered, knowing which one they were talking about. "Our kids better not ever walk in on us," I mumbled. "I'd like to save them from that scarring experience." Bella chuckled. I sat up, leaning over to whisper in her ear. "Because the way I'll be fucking you, they will probably never recover."_

_Her breath hitched and I smirked, merely placing a kiss on her cheek before returning my head to its previous position. She ran her fingers through my hair and I had to resist purring in contentment. _

_I pressed a kiss to her stomach through her shirt. "You know what the best Christmas present in the world would be?" I asked._

_She hmmed. "I can think of a few."_

_She was more than likely referring to earlier in the day, when I'd woken her with my tongue in her pussy. And then when I fucked her in the bathtub. And again on the couch as we watched _It's A Wonderful Life. _And again still against the kitchen counter as she made the stuffing my mother had just complimented fifteen minutes ago. Little did my mother know that while Bella's stuffing was to die for, _my _stuffing took Bella to heaven._

"_That's not what I meant love," I chided her. I sat up, wrapping my arm around her shoulders and pulling her into me. "Though I wouldn't mind a few more of those presents to accompany the big one."_

"_Ew, could you two _please _stop referring to fucking as Christmas presents? It's kind of making me sick," Alice remarked._

_Jasper rolled his eyes. "Aw, let them have their fun, sugar. It's not like you didn't give me a good present this morning with a leather whip and cowboy hat."_

_Alice's eyes got a strange faraway look and I was about to comment when Emmett stood from the couch, plopping Rosalie down in his seat. He walked over to Jasper, and I was nervous he was going to hit him. My hand that had been aimlessly rubbing over Bella's shoulders stopped as I tensed next to her. She squeezed my knee reassuringly._

"_Look dude, I know you were all buddy buddy with Edward in high school, but keep in mind that while you're close to the family, you're not a member of the family yet. So watch what you say. " His voice took on a menacing tone and Alice looked ready to interject. "And don't think I'm not creeped out to know that all the times you came over to watch football games, you were really just picturing my kid sister naked." Alice opened her mouth to speak but Jasper cut her off._

"_I always pictured her naked, Em. Not just here at your house. That just gave me a better point of reference." His eyes twinkled and he turned his head to kiss Alice's knee._

_I gagged._

"_I'm going to ignore that," Emmett continued, "since you just gave me ammunition that I can use against her for the next ten years, so for that I'm thankful." He held out a hand. "You rock, bro."_

_Alice's open mouth gaped at him as Jasper grinned triumphantly, smacking his hand lightly. "I'll try to remember to only share things you can use against her."_

"_Hah!" Alice finally recovered. "I guess you don't want to have sex for the next month, do you?"_

"_Who the fuck cares?" Emmett grinned. "You can keep yourself entertained with your whip." He winked and walked toward the kitchen. "Mom," he called. "Where's that chocolate cake you promised me?"_

_Bella buried her face in my neck, chuckling lightly. My hand resumed its path, tracing over her shoulders and up the side of her neck lightly. I smiled as I saw the goosebumps rising on her flesh. "I didn't get to finish my request," I whispered in her ear._

_She nuzzled my neck in response._

"_I want you to give me a baby, Bella."_

_Her head snapped up. "W… what?"_

"_For Christmas, Bella. I want a baby."_

_She seemed dazed as we went through the gift-opening shenanigans. Emmett got the newest gaming system from my parents, something Rosalie greatly disapproved of, but she forgave them when she opened a diamond necklace and earring set that had even me speechless. Bella gave Alice a hundred dollar gift certificate to Nordstrom and received a vintage set of Chanel perfume in exchange—I thought it smelled like old women, so Bella agreed to only wear it out when she went somewhere with Alice._

_I got—surprise, surprise—a set of encyclopedias from my parents and some sheet music from Jasper. I felt sorry for Bella, though. Her gifts were worse than mine. If I could have photographed her face, I would have. For as she opened the box and peered inside of it, her face went from a green to white to a shocking red in a matter of minutes._

"_The_ Kama Sutra?" _she squeaked, her voice soft and breathless. She was embarrassed as hell. _

_I was too, for a matter of fact. For reasons other than hers, however. _

"_Who's it from?" I asked, looking around the room._

"_There's no tag," she responded softly. _

"_A real live copy," Jasper said, taking the book in awe. "Well, I'll be goddamned."_

_He caught Bella's horrified expression._

"_Oh don't look at me like that Isabella Swan. You know my momma, and she'd have me crucified by my toenails if she caught me even looking at one of these." _

_I looked past him, narrowing my eyes at Emmett. I suspected it was him. "Alright, now who the hell thinks my sexual prowess is low enough to have the balls to give my wife a book on sex tips?"_

_No one responded. Instead, they all looked at me blankly. Except Jasper, he looked like he was about to start rolling on the floor from laughter. And Esme, who looked appalled. Carlisle, Alice and Emmett all wore matching grins. _

_Bella buried her head in her hands. _

"_Who did it?" I asked seriously._

"_Aw Edward," Alice said slyly. "It's not a big deal. I'm sure you have room on your bookshelf at home for it."_

"_Nah man, that shit's erotic _gold_. You'll wanna keep that by your night stand."_

_Rosalie popped him on the head. _

"_Look at it this way, son," Carlisle said to me. "Now you'll never have to worry about not knowing how to pleasure your wife."_

_It was then that I knew _exactly _who'd given the book to her. He gave it to her so that it wasn't a direct insult to me, but Carlisle was still finding a way to criticize me and my abilities, be they sexual or not. The whole room quieted at that, an awkward silence palpable as it crackled through the air. Finally, Esme broke it by announcing she was going to get the cake._

_I didn't speak for the rest of the night._

_The_ _Kama Sutra _was put to good use for months after that, but I never did get my baby for Christmas. And I guess that was for the best, now that we were separated. It would have killed me to lose Bella _and _my child as well.

Bella and I fought about it a lot; she didn't think we were ready because we'd just gotten married and we were still in college, not even halfway through. I told her we were more than financially sound enough to have a baby and could just hire a nanny for when we weren't home. This of course led to the debate about not spending enough time with the child and in the end we decided it was best to wait.

But I thought about having a baby every damn day.

I woke up the next morning weary and sore. I'd slept on my neck wrong and there was a kink that I just couldn't work out. My eyelids felt grainy and dry and I was rubbing at them constantly, even as I walked to work. It was a pain in the ass that made me cranky and when I walked into the store I snapped at Demetri, the store owner, when he complained about how late I was.

"Do not get angry with me, Edward Cullen," he responded in his sage, heavy Russian accent. "It is not my fault you show up late. I don't suffer, your pay check does."

"Yeah, yeah," I mumbled, heading to the back room to clock in. His system of clocking in was archaic and consisted of writing down the time I came in on a piece of paper, but I never shaved off even a minute. Maybe it was his training in the KGB or just an immaculate attention to his surroundings, but he always knew what time I came in and noticed if I wrote down something that wasn't correct. The first time I shaved off five minutes he nearly took my hand off. I never did it again.

Putting on the apron he asked me to wear, I walked out to the front room and joined him behind the ancient cash register. I picked up the clipboard he wrote appointments on. "Anything interesting today?"

"Some voman in the Upper East say her keys stick. I say she pull up the lid and check strings but she insist there is something wrong. I tell her you will come look it out."

My stomach knotted at the mention of my old neighborhood, but I ignored it. "_Check_ it out, Demetri," I corrected, flipping through the chart. "When you look _at _something, you check it out. When you're looking _for _something, you're on the lookout."

"Ah," he said, eyeing a rather shapely young blond woman who had stopped to read an ad in the window. "So, you vould say I vant to 'check out' that girl's киска?" he asked. "Versus I am on the 'lookout' for a nice tight киска?" he asked.

I couldn't help but smile at his crass humor. "The English word is 'pussy,'" I explained, taking off my apron and folding it up. I sat it underneath the counter and took the clipboard, grabbing the keys for the company truck. "But yes. I'm going to go out to Brooklyn for a tuning but I should be back before lunch."

"Yes, yes," he waved, shooing me out. "I vorked this store ten years before your no-good smart-Alec-y задница came here. Out, go go go go go. Go!"

I pushed the door open and held it for the blond bombshell that apparently liked what she saw in the window. She eyed me strangely, a look that could have been construed as a look of lust or of desire. Either way, I didn't react. I just nodded politely to her and held the door until she was safely inside. As I let it go, I couldn't help but grin again at Demetri's greeting to her. "Come here girl, let me get a look at your киска."

"My what?" she asked, but she walked over to him nonetheless.

The drive to Brooklyn was not the break I was looking for. The truck rattled incessantly, the spare piano parts and equipment in the back rolling around and creating a lot of noise. I couldn't get any good reception from the busted radio antenna, so I had to deal with the honking and yelling from the city streets.

It didn't do much to solve my headache.

As I drove out to Brooklyn, I couldn't help feeling a sense of nostalgia. That dad walking his kid to the bus stop should have been me. That man kissing his wife in the driveway should have been me.

It just wasn't fair.

I would have had enough money saved so we could buy a nice house out here and we would raise our children and grown old together. She could write as many novels, publish as much as she wanted to and at the end of the day we would all sit around a big table and eat a large dinner. We'd go to the park on weekends or take the kids on trips to the beach. We could have been happy. We _would_ have been happy.

But I had fucked it all up.

About a year ago I forced myself to relive all seven of the times I cheated on Bella, trying to find out what had been so special about them. All the women had looked like Bella somehow, but that wasn't it. Bella was the most beautiful woman my mind could comprehend, so I knew that it wasn't the beauty of the women that appealed to me. They had her color hair or her color eyes—though they could never have _her_ hair or eyes because they weren't her—but other than that, they were nothing more than ordinary.

They acted like her, mostly; in the bar they were shy and nervous, eyeing me occasionally and biting their lips, unsure of whether to approach me or not. With the exception of the last woman, they were all quiet and demure, exactly as Bella had been ten years ago. They were intelligent and could hold conversation. They had a hidden wit that only came out if provoked.

In bed, they were… Well, they were…

It still hurt to think about that. But I forced myself to. In bed, the women were just like Bella too. Responsive, vocal but quietly so, shy at first but full of passion the longer the night went on. The only difference was that when it was over, after everything was said and done and I felt like vomiting and the girl was ready to sleep, she would cuddle up to me. Some would spoon, some would run their fingers through my hair, some would merely hold my hand.

And that was what was so special about each night. Not the meaningless, empty fuck, not the different girls, not a loss of love for my wife—because dammit, it was that much harder every single time because I still loved her so much. But the women, the ones who acted so much like my wife, the ones whose names I didn't even know, _those_ women would hold me.

And my wife would not.

The pain of her rejection and isolation… sometimes it was too much to bear.

I tried to stop, I remember that clearly. The first time had been a mistake, a momentary lapse of judgment due to a drunken stupor of pain and heartache. After that, I stayed away from the bar and poured my soul into my work—Bella was barely even looking at me anymore—for a good three months. But I couldn't shake the nagging in my heart; the one that reminded me how good it felt to be held. So when the cold agony of loneliness crept up my spine, I found myself in the bar again with the same tumbler of scotch, watching the woman with brown hair and dancing eyes across the room.

I slammed my head on the steering wheel as I parked in front of the client's house. I took a deep breath to clear my thoughts and wiped at the tears in the corners of my eyes, willing them to go away. Looking in the rearview mirror, I cursed at how bloodshot they were. Whether it was from lack of sleep or crying, I wasn't sure. The only thing I did know was that whoever was getting their piano tuned today would think it was getting tuned by a pothead.

I wiped my hands on the seat of my jeans and walked up the manicured walkway to the front door. I knocked twice softly, stood back and waited for the door to open. A dog barked, a phone rang, and heels clattered down a staircase that I assumed was near the front door. The lock twisted in the door and it was pulled open to reveal a woman I never thought I would see again.

I would recognize her anywhere; she was the one that looked the most like Bella. Long hair, heart shaped face, pale. But only this one had freckles. She had gained a little weight in the last few years—not enough to make her look overweight—but enough to round out her curves and give her a matronly look. She was dressed to the nines in a crisply tailored skirt suit, her hair shorter and coiffed perfectly, a large diamond ring on her left finger.

"Yes?" she asked. She wasn't rude but she definitely sounded… condescending. "Can I help you with something?"

"I'm sorry, ma'am, I'm Edw… I'm from Kurovsky's Piano Repairs, here about tuning a piano?"

"Oh yes," she said, standing back and holding the door wider. She checked a gold watch on her wrist. "You're right on time, too. How long do you think this will take? I have to be at work in an hour."

I stepped over the threshold into her house, careful not to touch her. "It should only take about thirty minutes," I said. "Given that everything is in shape."

"Well it should be," she sniffed. "We just had it tuned six months ago. Some Demetri guy, I don't know."

"Well," I said, ignoring the tension I felt radiating from my body. "Let me go have a look at it and we'll see what we can do."

She led me through the impressive house that reeked of wealth and status, complete with wedding and baby pictures on the walls and expensive furniture. I followed her over to the piano where she merely pointed. "There it is, do what you must." And then she walked out, leaving me alone in the room.

I lifted the piano lid, peering inside. The strings were in good condition, all I would have to do was tighten a few and I could be out of there in ten minutes. Which was a good thing, because I was beginning to feel uncomfortable.

I went to work on the piano, pausing to press a few keys here and there to make sure I got the pitches right. It wasn't long before I had all keys adjusted, and I stood over the keyboard to play the opening strains of a very familiar, very haunting song to make sure they were in tune.

"_Edward, really," Bella said, tossing her book bag into the living room chair. She flopped into the one opposite it, adjusting her legs so that they fell limply over one of the arms. "You don't look like you've moved since I left."_

_I glanced up at her from my music, grinning. "It was only a three hour class, Bella. I used to practice for four or five in high school." I turned back to my music, trying to figure out which note in the arpeggio wasn't right. _

"_Yeah, well in high school you didn't have a wife who you could have sex with whenever you wanted to," she said coyly, arching an eyebrow._

_My fingers faltered on the keys but I continued playing over what I'd written, trying my damnedest not to be distracted by her. I had to have the piece finished in a week; I'd been composing it for a friend's wedding and if it wasn't finished she would probably castrate me and hang my balls from her mantelpiece. "You're right," I remarked. "I had a _girlfriend_ I could have sex with whenever I wanted to. So either way you look at it, I still could have sex whenever I wanted to."_

"_Ugh, you're no fun." She stood up from the chair and stretched her legs. "I don't want to have sex with you anyway. I have a paper to write."_

_I stopped playing at that, arching an eyebrow at looking up at her over the top of my glasses. "I don't know why you'd bother," I said. "You know I'll just be doing it for you later. Why don't you go do something useful, like make me a sandwich. I'm starving."_

_She stuck her tongue out at me and moved in the opposite direction of the kitchen, toward our bedroom. "I'm going to take a nap. Wake me up when you're done?"_

_She didn't wait for a response, just closed the door softly behind her. I leaned back on the bench, running my fingers through my hair. That woman was going to be my undoing, I knew it. When she wasn't around me, I could accomplish anything. I could compose a sonata or write a five thousand word paper on metaphysics. But the second she was anywhere near me all rational thought when out the window._

_I knew I had things to do, things I had to accomplish. But she was calling to me like a siren and I couldn't resist her anymore. _

_Sighing, I closed the lid to the piano, exhausted for the moment, and I stood from the bench. I made my way to the bedroom door, pushing it open slowly and found her curled up on the bed, clothes and Converse still on, wrapped in a tiny ball. I shook my head slowly, grinning. She was just so goddamn cute._

_Walking over to my side of the bed, I toed off my shoes and pulled my shirt off. I climbed onto the bed next to her, wrapping an arm around her waist and pulling her gently back into me. Even in sleep her body molded to fit mine, shifting her back and hips so as to line up with mine perfectly. _

_I ran my fingers through her hair, pressing a soft kiss to her temple._

"_Christ, Bella," I murmured, rubbing he creamy patch of skin that was revealed when her shirt had ridden up. "You're going to be the death of me, I swear it."_

_She shifted, drifting further into deeper sleep. _

"_Why art thou yet so fair?" I quoted, stroking her cheek. _

_I was surprised when she groaned. "Edward, shut up. I'm trying to go to sleep."_

_I chuckled. "I thought I had a wife that would have sex with me whenever I wanted?"_

"_That ship has sailed, buddy," she murmured. "I'm tired. Go to sleep."_

"_Aye, milady," I smirked. I kissed her cheek and began to hum._

_It was no more than two minutes later when she interrupted me. Rolling over, she hitched a leg over my hip and ran her fingernails up my chest. "What song is that?"_

"_I don't know," I answered truthfully. "I just wrote it."_

"_In your head?"_

_I nodded. "Mhmm."_

"_Oh." She frowned. I tried to smooth out the crease between her eyebrows with my finger, but she wouldn't budge. "Who's it for?"_

"_You, silly girl." This brought a smile to her face._

"_Oh, well I give you permission to finish writing it then," she smiled, reaching up to kiss me on the mouth. Of course she didn't stop there, and I didn't stop her. Soon we were kissing with barely lip at all, just tongue and teeth and breat, and when she began grinding her hips up against me, I knew it was only a matter of time before I spontaneously combusted. _

"_Oh," she exclaimed, pulling away from me. "We can have sex now, if you want."_

_Her face darkened and I laughed out loud. "You're giving me your permission?"_

_She nodded. "Yes."_

_I rolled her over, pinning her down and spreading her legs with my hips. I pressed my erection against her, thrusting once, twice, three times._

"_Good, wife. Because if you didn't, I just may have to go get myself a girlfriend who would."_

Bella's lullaby was interrupted by the clacking of heels on hardwood floor, and the girl—woman now—entered into the room.

"I assume you're finished?"

I nodded. "Yes, I think that'll do it."

"Okay, how much do I owe you?"

I told her the amount and followed her over to a small desk in the foyer, where she pulled out a checkbook and wrote out the correct amount. "And here," she said, handing me a ten dollar bill. "For the entertainment."

I tried to refuse it, but she insisted and finally I pocketed it. I walked to the front door, prepared to let myself out. I was stopped short by her next statement, however.

"Goodbye, Edward," she said softly, smiling gently for the first time since I'd arrived. Stunned, I stood on the front stoop and let the door be closed in my face, not fully comprehending what had just transpired until the door was closed and locked and the only thing I heard were the birds chirping in the sycamore tree next to me.

It was then that I felt a buzzing in my pocket and, dazed, I pulled my phone out, flipping it open without really looking at the caller ID screen.

"Hello?"

"Uh, yes is this… is this Edward Cullen?"

I perked up. I recognized that voice.

"Yes, yes this is. Is this Peter?"

"Uh, yes," he responded. "I spoke with your father last night and… well, he's concerned and he… he wants us to come to Washington. "

My heart dropped to my feet. My stomach was in my throat. I felt like I couldn't breathe for a full minute and my palms began to sweat. _Jesus fucking…_

"Hello? Edward, are you still there?"

"Yes, yes," I responded breathlessly. "Let me head home and purchase the tickets right away. Can I get in contact with you at this number?"

"Yes," he answered. "This is the number at the clinic. You can just call and leave a message."

Hastily, I said my goodbye and clicked off, pocketing the phone. Unable to hold myself up, I slumped down onto the steps. My head dropped forward into my hands as the magnitude of everything that had just transpired—and everything that _would_ transpire—dropped on me like a ton of bricks.

_Jesus fucking Christ, _I thought. _I'm going home._

* * *

**AUTHOR'S NOTES: Lots to note from this chapter. First, Russian translations:**

**Задница – ass**

**Киска – pussy**

**Now, obviously this is not the English alphabet and that is because I do not speak Russian and had to resort to Google translator. If any of you speak Russian and would like to correct me, please do so.**

**Second: metaphysics, if you don't know, is a branch of philosophy concerned with the nature of reality, especially the relationship between mind over matter. Get the significance? You should. **

**Third: Edward's quote "Why art thou yet so fair?" comes from Romeo and Juliet. **

**Moving along… Not what you expected of him, right? A lot of you were convinced that he would still be a womanizing, slutty version of himself just three years older. I hope you are glad that you were wrong. Yes, he's still got to learn some things. But he **_**has**_** changed. Next up, more time in Forks. Maybe some ExB action, maybe not. Who knows? Only I can see into the future. Mwahahaha.**

**Reviews? Comments? I'm open to conversation, so let's go!**


	11. Not Like the Movies

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: I don't know what else to say other than "WOW!" Thank you all so much for your reviews! Every single one I read made me giddy, and I thank you all so much. It means so much that you're taking the time to read this and I just thank you from the bottom of my heart. To KittyVuitton, you made my day. And JoanB102001, I would like to reach through this computer and hug you. Really. Your support completely astounds me. And to everyone else, you are all amazing and I love you all. Kisses and gropes and extremely inappropriate pillow talk to everyone.**

**Also, whoever submitted the Russian translations last chapter (can't tell who you are, you did it anonymously), thanks so much!**

**Something quick before I start: the time differences can be a little confusing, but just so you're aware, this chapter occurs about a week after the last one… So technically in this chapter, Edward's already been in Forks for a week. But sssssh, you don't know that and neither does Bella.. or anyone else in town for that matter. Except Carlisle and Esme. And maybe Alice…**

**I won't waste your time as I'm sure you're anxious to find out what happens next… so we'll just skip to that part. Here we go!**

**CHAPTER ELEVEN- NOT LIKE THE MOVIES**

He put it on me, I put it on,  
Like there was nothing wrong.  
It didn't fit, it wasn't right.  
Wasn't just the size.  
They say you know, when you know.  
I don't know.

I didn't feel the fairytale feeling, no.  
Am I a stupid girl for even dreaming that I could?

-_Not Like the Movies_, Katy Perry

**BPOV**

"Ouch. Shit," I squeaked, placing the knife down on the table. I held my finger away from my face, turning my head away from it so as to stay as far away from the blood as possible. I already felt lightheaded just knowing there were drops of blood on my finger and if Jake didn't come over in two seconds I knew I was going to…

"Jesus Christ, Bella," he mumbled, grabbing my hand. "I can't trust you to do anything around here."

"It was the knife," I protested, keeping my eyes closed as I pointed accusatorially to the offending object. "It attacked me."

"Mhmm," he responded, distracted as he moved away to grab a napkin. "You know, you're lucky I'm here to save the day. It pains me to think of all the ways you injure yourself when you're here alone."

"More than you can dream of," I mumbled, my head still turned away in disgust.

We were at my apartment, preparing a beef and potatoes dinner—well, steak and baked potatoes and salad dinner, really, but who cares—and I had been slicing up onions for the salad when I filleted my finger with the knife. I was acting like a huge baby, I know, but I couldn't stand the sight, smell, thought of blood and since there was someone else here to clean up the gushing mess, then I certainly wasn't going to do it.

"Well, here we go again," he said, running the tap water in the sink. "Yet another reason why you should just move in with me. You'll be able to keep all ten of your fingers."

I sighed. "Will you stop making fun of me and just fix my damn finger before I bleed out?" I snapped.

He laughed good-humoredly. "You're not going to die, Bella. There's not even a trickle."

"Seriously?" I asked, opening my eyes. Sure enough, the bastard was right. There was maybe two drops of blood on the napkin he had pressed to my finger. "Well I'll be damned."

Jake snorted and rolled his eyes. "Here, ya damn baby. I'm gonna go set the table."

I stuck my tongue out at him as he walked over to the metal card table-turned dining table in the corner of the tiny kitchen. "You're lucky you're cute, asshole. Otherwise I'd toss you out on your ear."

"Hah!" he snorted, grabbing two plates—that didn't match because I didn't actually own a full set—out of the cabinet. "I'd like to see you try. You see this?" He set the plates down and gestured to his rather impressive physique. "That's one hundred and eighty pounds of pure muscle, baby."

I batted my eyelashes. "One hundred and eighty pounds of sex appeal."

"Don't tempt me, Bella Swan. I'd like to have a civil dinner, for once."

Cue the ever-present, rather annoying and at times downright pathetic reminiscing. He'd called me Bella Swan. My name was Isabella Marie Swan again. No longer Bella Cullen or Isabella Swan Cullen. Sure, I'd gotten used to signing the check for the bills with Swan, but hearing it come from someone else's mouth was strange. And it had been three years and I still couldn't get used to it.

"Babe? You still with me?"

I blinked. Jake was standing in front of me, waving a hand right in front of my face. He was grinning goofily but I could see a touch of concern and hurt in his eyes. It made me feel even shittier.

I grinned and smacked his hand away lightly. "Yes, sorry. Hey, would you mind finishing the salad while I go find some wine?"

He rolled his eyes and picked up the knife. He waved it in my face. "It won't hurt you, Bella." He grinned wickedly.

"Hah!" I replied. I stomped from the kitchen, squeaking when he swatted my butt playfully, and went into the living room where I kept the wine rack—because there was no room for it in the kitchen. I didn't have much; just a few bottles of whatever was on sale at Costco. But Jake never complained and I didn't notice a difference between that and the three hundred dollar bottles that… Edward… used to buy, so I was perfectly content. Of course, I was no wine sommelier, but it all tasted good to me.

"What do you want, Jake? White or red?"

His response made me chuckle. "The finest, most expensive bottle in the house," he replied in a pretentious voice.

"Okay, so the thirteen dollar one."

He snickered. "I don't care which, whatever you want."

I pulled the bottle of Merlot from the rack and went back into the kitchen. I smiled at the sight that welcomed me. He had finished the salad, set the table, lit candles and was offering me a pleasant view of his ass as he pulled the potatoes from the oven.

I whistled through my teeth. "My oh my, would you look at that."

He turned, grinning at me. He shimmied his hips playfully. "You like?"

I nodded. "Much so."

He stood up. "Good, because that's all you'll be seeing tonight. I need to fix your furnace before it starts getting cold."

I sighed. "Aw hell, I was hoping we were going to try out that mirror I hung up over my bed."

That got his attention and his eyebrows shot up. "Are you kidding?"

I giggled. "Nope."

"Well, alright then. Hell, I can always just leave the furnace like it is. All the more incentive for you to move in with me." He switched off the oven and before I knew it I was being swept up into his arms, tossed over his shoulder and carried into my small bedroom. I shrieked when he threw me onto the bed, laughing as I landed amongst the five hundred throw pillows piled at the headboard—gifts from Rosalie.

The slut.

Jake collapsed on top of me, grabbing my sides and squeezing them, tickling me in the worst way possible. I shrieked and screamed, writhing and bucking to get him off. That only made it worse, as soon I wasn't able to breathe and felt like my lungs would explode.

"Okay Jake… enough, enough… I can't… I can't breathe…"

He slowed down, chuckling with me as we settled more comfortably on the bed. As we began to realize our positions—my legs spread and his hips pressing firmly against my center—the tone shifted from one of playfulness to one of intensity in a matter of seconds. My breath caught in my throat at the heat of Jacob's stare as his traced a finger down my cheek.

"Bella…?" he asked, unsure of what to do.

"Yeah?"

He swallowed audibly. "Do you… I mean… shit… I'm twenty-seven years old and I'm asking you like I'm sixteen… well, what I mean is… um…"

I wrapped my arms around his shoulders. "Kiss me, Jake."

"Bella, are you sure—"

"Just kiss me."

His mouth settled on mine, slow and uncertain. When I pressed into him eagerly, he responded a bit more enthusiastically, though still unsure and hesitant as he opened his mouth. My hands went up into his hair—too short—and my fingers grasped at the hair that I _could _wrap my fingers into. My legs spread wider as he settled his hips between them more firmly and my feet came up to rest on the backs of his calves. One of his hands cupped my cheek gently while the other moved down to my hip, brushing lightly against the skin between my jeans and the hem of my shirt, which had ridden up a considerable amount.

My legs tightened around him as I felt his hardness against me. I couldn't help the arch of my back as I reached into him, searching for some kind of physical gratification. His breath hitched in his throat and his grip tightened on my hip as his other hand reached down to grasp the hip opposite. He pulled me up tightly against him, rocking his hips forward slightly to meet a soft, somewhat fumbled thrust.

In all the awkwardness and uncertainty, I found my footing and boldly pushed up on him. Rolling him over, I straddled his hips and, in a moment of brazen lust, pulled my shirt over my head. We'd gotten this far before, but going further had never been a consideration. Something about _this_ time, something about the intense possibility of the choice that lay with us like a large elephant taking up half the bed, made everything much more intense. The air crackled with palpable energy as I slowly dropped the shirt to the floor.

The look in Jake's eyes was one I recognized, though I hadn't seen it since…

It was a look of adoration, of assurance, of protection and of encouragement. Smiling at me softly, Jacob reached up and brushed a thumb along my jaw, cupping my neck in a hot hand. "You're so beautiful," he whispered, his eyes full to the brim of all those things that made me feel precious and loved. Taking a deep breath, I gently lowered myself onto his chest. Barely touching, I leaned down and pressed my lips against his, bracing my hands on his chest as his hands wrapped around my waist to press against my back.

Everything escalated. The heat of his hands seemed to be conveyed by some current to a receptor between my legs and I pressed against him harder. My hips ground against his. My hands clutched at his arms. My lips traced down his neck as his breathing picked up, tongue tracing the pulse point between his neck and shoulder. His fingers dug into my back and his hips thrust upward as a loud groan tore from his throat.

Garnering my courage once again, I sat up and reached behind my back for my bra. But as I looked up at Jacob, it wasn't his face I was seeing at all.

It was Edward's.

"_Baby, you know we don't have to do this," he said. His hands held my hips tightly, either stopping me from continuing me or stopping me from running away, I wasn't sure. The credits of _Casablanca _were rolling behind us against the flat wall of his house and the darkness was deadly quiet. His parents had gone out to some society function dinner, Emmett was out at another late football practice and Alice was over at a friend's house. The only lights on were in the dining room, a distant twinkle coming from deep within the house._

_We'd been fooling around for a while—before the movie had even ended. It started out with a few innocent kisses, which led to making out, which then led to pressing against each other. My ass ground against his erection unconsciously as my head turned toward him, and then his hands inched down the front of my shirt to cup my breasts._

_Now I was straddling him, a bit caught up in my hormones and the heat of the moment. My shirt was laying somewhere at the edge of the blanket along with my bra. My breathing was harsh and heavy as excitement and lust fogged my senses. His words, however, had broken through that cloud and a wave of nerves flooded my veins._

"_I know," I replied. "I want to." I would have sounded confident. Had my voice not cracked._

_He pulled me down on top of him and I thought we were going to start making out again. But gently he rolled me over so that he was lying on top of me, protecting me from the cool night air. Bracing up on his elbows, Edward peered down at me. "We can wait, sweetheart. We have all the time in the world. And in all honesty, I would prefer having sex with you for the first time in a bed, not outside on a blanket in the middle of fall."_

_I just shook my head, looking down. "No, that's not it."_

_He tipped my head up with a finger. "Then what is it?"_

"_I'm worried I'm not… Well I mean, you're _you, _and I'm _me." _Oh God, the rambling was starting. I willed my mouth to stay closed, but it wouldn't. And it seemed like the more I tried, the more I spoke. "I know you're not a virgin or anything… I mean, how could I expect you to be? You're gorgeous and smart and… well… ripped, and all the freshmen girls love you—well, all the girls love you, really—and I'm not sure if I can measure up to Jessica or Lauren or Kate or… that new Russian girl… Irina or whatever…"_

"_Bella, hush."_

"…_I mean, her boobs are huge. And mine are… well, mine are—"_

"_Rather nice, if I do say do myself," he smirked, cupping both in his hands and smoothing the pads of his thumbs over the nipples._

_I smacked his hands away."Edward, stop."_

"_No, _you _stop. You're being ridiculous."_

"_No, I'm being serious. What if I'm not… you know, good… enough? What if this totally sucks for you and all this…" I gestured to my pussy, "isn't as sexy as you seem to think it will be? I mean, God, you're…" I reached up and traced my fingers down his abs, loving the defined ridges I felt beneath my fingertips. He shuddered, his eyes glowing as a cocky smirk lit up his face._

_Bastard._

"_Hot? Chiseled? Rugged? Undeniably sexy?"_

_I rolled my eyes and smacked him in the side. "No, you're fat."_

_He chuckled, lowering himself down further on top of me. He was now braced on his elbows and was pressed against me, breast to foot. I shivered under his body heat._

"_We should have talked about this before." He sighed. "I guess that's my fault. Yes, I have had sex before." He laid a finger over my mouth before I could protest. "Emmett helped sneak me into a club in Port Angeles last summer and I had sex with some girl I didn't know in a dirty bathroom stall. I never got her number, I don't think I even remember her name." I was looking away from him, up into the trees. I didn't like hearing about other girls he'd been with. He tipped my chin back toward him. "There were a few others, but they were all just girls I met once at a club or something. They didn't mean anything." He kissed me lightly on the nose. "_You _do."_

_I nodded, believing him. He leaned down and kissed me, soft and lingering._

"_Come on," he said, rolling away from me and sitting up. He reached for his shirt and began putting it on. "Let's just go inside. Mom and Dad won't be home for another few hours and we can watch another movie before I have to take you home."_

_I didn't want to go inside and watch a movie. I was nervous and scared and self-conscious but that didn't mean I didn't want to do this. I wanted him, in _that _way, and I didn't want him to think that I wasn't ready or that I didn't want to take that step._

_I reached for him, grasping his shoulder. "No, let's stay out here for a little while longer. It's such a pretty night—you can see the stars for once." He looked up at the sky, pensive. I pulled out the innocent girl card. I bit my lip, widening my eyes. "And I'm cold."_

_It wasn't a lie… I was._

_He looked over his shoulder at me, arching an eyebrow at the face I was making. I probably looked like a pouty five-year-old, but I didn't care. "You can get warm in the house."_

_I wrapped my arms around myself, shivering. "Please?"_

_He sighed and rolled back over._

"_You're killing me, Bella."_

"_I know," I said, wrapping my arms around him. "I'm sorry."_

_He arched an eyebrow. "No you're not."_

_I shook my head, running my hands up and down his torso. "Nope."_

_He smirked. "Minx." He leaned down, pressing his lips against my neck. "Please, baby, let's just go inside. We can do this in my bed. If you want to be kinky, we can do it on the couch. I just want to do this inside, not in the dirt. You mean more to me than that. You're not just some girl I met, drunk in a club."_

_I nodded. "I know that. And… I know you want it to be special. But to me, this _is_ special. I'm outside on a clear night, watching one of my favorite movies with a guy I…" I couldn't say it yet. Bearing my hymen to him was embarrassing enough… I couldn't bear my heart yet, especially if he didn't feel the same way. All that in one night was too much and I would die of mortification before we ever made it to second base._

"_With a guy that I care a lot about," I amended. "I don't need more than that. I just… I just need you."_

_It was so cheesy. I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping he wasn't going to laugh at me in my face. I didn't think I could handle much more embarrassment at the moment._

_But I was surprised._

_He pressed his lips against mine, hard. His hands cupped my face, not so much to comfort, but to hold me against his mouth. I was surprised by his urgency, taken aback a bit, but I responded nevertheless. My arms wrapped around his neck, my back arching and hips pressing up against his. He groaned softly, the sound making goosebumps break out across my skin. Pulling his lips away, he trailed them across my jaw and down my neck. I shivered as he made his way back up my neck, his lips resting against my ear._

"_Promise me you won't regret this, Bella," he whispered. "I don't think… I'm not sure I could handle it if you ended up regretting this one day."_

_I shook my head, my eyes scrunching. He wasn't making any sense. Why would I regret this? He was _Edward Cullen. _The center of my whole world. I couldn't breathe if he wasn't there, wouldn't function if he didn't exist. What was it Catherine Linton said? If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger? It seemed to fit._

"_Edward, I wouldn't," I assured him. I tried to convey just how sure I was about this. I didn't know how I could make him see. "I won't."_

_He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. He nodded, more to himself than to me, and opened his eyes again. All doubt seemed to evaporate from his eyes. He grinned down at me, the crooked smile that would have made the most beautiful of angels jealous. He bent down and kissed me again._

_This time, he didn't stop. He kissed me harder and harder, his tongue working its way into my mouth and dancing with mine. His hands, which were braced against the ground next to my rib cage to keep his weight off of me, shifted, and he lowered himself more fully on top of me. One hand came up and brushed along my side, tickling me. A giggle erupted from my mouth and I shuddered against him. I clapped my hand over my mouth, but he laughed along with me, tracing my cheek with his thumb._

_He didn't say anything, just looked down at me. There was an expression in his eyes that I had seen before; more and more frequently recently. His eyes glowed brightly like he held a secret; this kind of overwhelming, consuming secret that had the magic of solving all of the world's problems. I didn't know what it was, I just knew that when he looked at me like that, my insides melted and my heart swooned._

_He brought his mouth back down to mine. His hand covered my breast, massaging it lightly as his mouth picked up speed again. I trembled against him, arching and mewing. I shifted restlessly, grinding my hips up against his._

"_Sssh, Bella," his whispered against my neck. "Let me do this right. _Please_. Keep that up and this won't last very long."_

_But I couldn't help it. Maybe it was a combination of lust and anxiety and love and adrenaline, but my body was quaking, my hips were twitching and my heart was pounding. "Please, Edward, I'm ready. Make… make love to me now." I cringed as the words left my mouth, waiting to see if he was going to laugh at me._

_He didn't. He trailed kisses slowly down my neck, down my chest and over my breasts. He sucked on one nipple, then the other, and continued to move down, not stopping. Over my belly button. Down. Across my hips. Down further still._

_My eyelids fluttered closed when I felt his fingers and his tongue. Hissing through my teeth, I wrapped my fingers through his hair, clutching his face closer. When his tongue licked roughly against my clit, I bucked against him._

"_You're so wet," he moaned against me, adding his fingers to the assault he was waging against my body. I cried out, a sound that stopped in my throat when his fingers curled forward and rubbed against a spot that set fire to my blood._

"_Fuck," I panted, my hands reaching up to grab hold of something… anything. I knew what was coming—no pun intended—and I was going to lose control of myself quickly. And that's just what happened. My toes curled as I felt my abdomen tighten, my mouth dropping open involuntarily and my eyes squeezing shut as my pussy clenched. Cries came out of my mouth that didn't even sound like me; they sounded like they came out of the mouth of some sex-kitten porn star, not the shy, mousy daughter of the Police Chief._

_As I came back around, my hands releasing the blanket, I felt Edward placing hot, wet kisses on my stomach, brushing lightly against the outsides of my thighs. He looked up at me, grinning._

"_Hey," he smiled._

"_Shut up."_

_He chuckled, slowly climbing back up my body. He placed kisses on my breasts, sloppy, nipping ones, before he was aligned with me, knee to breast._

"_How was that?"_

_I sighed. "You killed me, Edward."_

_He looked up at me, grinning. "Oh _really._"_

"_Cocky bastard," I mumbled, rolling my eyes at him._

"_I'll show you cocky," he growled, and suddenly, he was right there. His condom-covered tip pressing against me, opening me, teasing. Where the condom had come from, I didn't know. But at the moment, I didn't care._

_I gasped a little, all teasing having gone out of my body. This was serious. Life or death of my hymen._

_He pressed against me, easing himself in slightly. "You're sure?" he grunted, asking once last time._

_I nodded. "Just do it. Don't wait, don't count to three, don't ease in, just rip off the—"_

_He pushed in fully, burying himself._

"_Band-Aid!" I squeaked. "Shit!"_

_It hurt. All that bullshit the Internet had fed me about how it was only supposed to hurt a little, or bring a mild discomfort was false. It hurt. A lot. It stung and burned and I felt my eyes widening as I exhaled a shaky breath. Tears welled up in my eyes, even though I know it was stupid to cry. I bit my lip, hard, my chin trembling as my eyes squeezed shut._

"_Bella? Baby, talk to me. You won't notice it as much if you're distracted."_

_My eyes snapped open. "What are we supposed to talk about?" I barked. "How pretty the night sky is?"_

_He chuckled, leaning down to kiss my forehead. He brushed some hair out of my face. "Talk to me about how you're feeling."_

"_Edward, your monster cock just ripped through my muscle tissue. How do you think I'm feeling?"_

"_I'm sorry baby," he whispered. He did truly look sorry, and nervous, and anxious, and I felt like shit for snapping at him. I wrapped my hands around his neck and pulled his head down to kiss me. This caused him to push further into me, causing me to gasp and wince._

"_I'm sorry, I'm sorry."_

_I shook my head, holding onto him to keep him from moving. "Just… hold still."_

_The night was quiet, save for our heavy breathing as the sharp pain began to dull slightly._

"_So," he said, his eyes mischievous. "I take this to mean we won't be doing anal any time soon?"_

_I glared at him. "You're an asshole."_

"_Pun intended?"_

_I rolled my eyes. "Mature."_

"_You love it."_

_I didn't answer. Because yes, I did. And I loved him. But it wasn't right to say that right now._

"_Are you okay?" he whispered._

"_No," I replied, biting my lip. "But I'm getting there. Give me another minute?"_

_He nodded. "All the time you need, love."_

_I traced my initials in his chest with my fingernail. BS. BS. BS + EC._

"_Hey Edward, do you think your parents would mind if we carved our initials into the tree?"_

_He glanced behind me at the large oak. "I don't see why not. They like you enough."_

_I huffed._

"_I'll just have to find room. You know, next to the twenty or so other girls whose virginities I've taken out here."_

_I smacked his chest._

"_But we'll put a heart around yours." He grinned cheekily._

_I groaned. "You suck."_

_In response, he leaned down and latched on to my neck, sucking gently. He pulled back after a moment and grinned at what I assumed to be a hicky. "Mmmm, I suck well."_

_I shook my head, chuckling. As I laughed, I felt my walls tighten. But rather than being painful, I was surprised to feel a shot of pleasure burn through my belly. My eyes widened, as did Edward's, and he thrust forward gently._

"_Feel good?" he whispered._

_My eyes drifted closed as I nodded gently._

"_No, no," he murmured, tipping my chin up. "Open your eyes. I want to watch you."_

_I lifted my lids to meet his intense gaze, watching as he raised himself up with his arms braced on either side of me. His jaw clenched as he pulled back and then pushed forward._

_I moaned._

_He did this again and again, his thrusts picking up in speed and strength as I encouraged him little by little. My hips began to meet him, my hands clenched on his back, my thighs squeezed around him. My eyes fluttered a few times, but with a sharp thrust he forced me to open them again._

"_Fuck, Bella," he groaned. "Fuck, fuck, fuck."_

"_Edward, I'm… oh God…"_

"_Are you going to cum?"_

_I nodded, exhaling a shaky breath. "Soon."_

_He picked up his pace, which I didn't think was possible, and brought a hand down to where we were joined. Brushing a thumb against my clit, he passed once, twice, three times before I arched against him violently._

"_Oh God oh God oh God oh God oh God," I chanted as wave after wave crashed over me._

"_That's it baby," he whispered, encouraging. "Give it to me."_

_I clung to him, whimpering as I came down. He pulled out, causing me to wince slightly and rolled over. His discarded the condom before gathering me into his arms, pulling me tightly against him. He cradled my face in his shoulder, tracing my cheek tenderly._

"_That wasn't supposed to happen," I whispered softly._

_His hands stilled and his body tensed. He pulled back from me slightly, and as I looked up I saw his face cloud with anger and hurt. I couldn't understand why. Was I bad for him? Did I not do something right? Did he regret…_

"_No!" I cried out, grabbing back for him. "No, Edward, that's not what I meant. I meant I wasn't supposed to cum. Not that we weren't supposed to… you know."_

_He looked at me, confused._

"_Who says that isn't supposed to happen?"_

_I cleared my throat, wrapping the blanket around my shoulders as I sat up. "When I looked this up on the Internet. The website said that most women didn't have an orgasm on their first time. Maybe there's something wrong with me. Maybe I'm a lightweight. Maybe—"_

"_You… you looked this up on the Internet?" he looked like he was trying to hold back laughter._

"_Well, what was I supposed to do?" I asked, a blush creeping up my neck. "Ask my Dad? Just walk in and say, 'Hey Dad, teach me how to have sex.'"_

_Edward winced. "God, I would hope not."_

_I rolled my eyes. "That's not what I meant."_

_He pulled me back into his arms, kissing my shoulder. "I know, love. I just… well, you could have asked me?"_

_I snorted. "That's almost worse. I'd be showcasing just how inexperienced I am."_

_He kissed the top of my head. "Believe it or not, baby, that's a part of your charm."_

_I rolled my eyes. "Yeah right."_

_He laid back on the blanket, pulling me on top of his chest. "I'm serious. You don't know how… much it means to me that you did this with me. That you let me… have that part of you."_

"_It's just my virginity, Edward. You already have my heart. Isn't that enough?"_

_His eyes grew incredibly tender as he cupped my chin, brushing his thumb along my jaw. He smiled. "Yes, Bella, it is. And it always will be."_

_I leaned forward to kiss him, my breasts pressing against his chest. I gasped when I felt him harden against my thigh._

"_Edward…"_

"_Are you sore?" he asked._

"_I… um... yeah, a little…" But my body seemed to not care, because as I said the words, I sat up, my thighs laying on either side of his. I felt his length press against my center and tried desperately to stifle the whimper and shiver that went through my body._

_His eyes danced. "Now you see, this position is extremely beneficial for the woman because it allows for deeper penetration the stimulation of the—"_

_Rolling my eyes, I clamped a hand over his mouth. "Enough, Encyclopedia Brown."_

_He brushed my hand away and I leaned down to kiss the smirk off of his face._

We didn't make love again that night. We messed around for a little, but soon the cold became too much for the both of us and we packed up and went inside, stark naked. We showered together, too content to do anything other than hold each other. He drove me home, kissing me softly before giving me that look again and telling me he would see me the next—

"Are you… are you having second thoughts?"

Reality dumped a bucket of cold water on my face. Staring down at the hurt expression on Jacob's face, it was all I had not to cry. I had hurt him, yet again, and he didn't even know why. He thought I was rejecting him, or that I wasn't ready.

"Jake… no, I…"

He gently pushed me over him, rolling out from beneath me and sitting up on the edge of the bed, hunting for his shirt. I sat up, wrapping my arms around him from behind.

"Jake, please don't go. I… I want to do this. I want you to stay. Just please… don't—"

"I need to go home," he said softly.

"What? No! We still have to eat dinner, and I rented _Casablanca_ for us to watch, and we—"

He turned slightly in my arms, looking back at me. "Bella, I can't stay here, with you, like this, while you keep thinking about your ex-husband."

I wasn't sure which hurt more; that I'd underestimated his feelings and thought he couldn't possibly know what was going through my head when I zoned out on him, or that it was hurting him and I didn't even know it.

"Jake, I…"

"I love you, Bella."

All the air left my body in a gust.

"Can you say that back? Can you tell me that you love me?"

Of course I could.

"Jake, I…"

The room was crackling with tension. His body was rigid with it, while my body was trying to expel it in tears. My arms hung limply around him as I leaned forward and rested my head against his shoulder. "Jake, please."

He pulled out of my embrace, standing from the bed. "You can't say it back, Bella. And I understand, baby, I really do. Your ex-husband broke your heart and you're healing." He cupped my face with his hands. "Trust me when I say that I understand that better than you think. But I can't be here with you, make love to you or even have a romantic dinner with you, when two minutes ago you were on top of me thinking about him. It just… it hurts too much."

A sob tore from my throat. "Jake please, I didn't—"

He leaned forward and kissed my forehead. "I'm not breaking up with you, sweetheart. I just need to go home and have some time. I need to think."

I tugged on his arms. "Just stay here with me. Please. I'll give you your space, I'll eat in the dining room and you can eat in the living room. Just please, don't leave. Not like this."

He chuckled, kissing my forehead again. "This is why I can't be angry with you. You're too adorable."

"Don't go."

He sighed. "I just need some time to think. I'm going home, but I'm not going _anywhere_, okay?" He leaned forward and tipped my head up. "I'm not abandoning you, okay? I'll be back later."

Tears leaked out of the corner of my eyes, which he kissed slowly from my cheeks. "I'll call you?"

A sob was the only answer he got. Releasing me, he backed out of the room and I sat, frozen, even after I heard the soft shut of the front door and the slam of this truck door. He roared out of the driveway and down the street, the only indication he had ever given about how he was truly feeling.

I sat there for God knows how long, stunned.

And then everything came crashing down.

I curled up on the bed, tears streaming from my eyes as sobs wracked my body. He was ruining my life, and he wasn't even in it anymore. Thoughts of him, memories, things about him that I longed to be out of my head remained stuck there like a knife, twisting in my brain, causing pain and blocking out everything else in my life that mattered.

I cried for hours. The dinner remained untouched on the table, going stale in the cooling air. The DVD menu of _Casablanca _rolled untouched on the TV, the music repeating every 30 seconds. The candles melted down, the wax dripping onto the table until the flame went out.

I would never be rid of Edward Cullen. No matter how much I tried.

He was going to haunt me for the rest of my life.

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: Did you like it?**

**If you think the sex scene was a little awkward… that's good. I meant for it to be that way. I know we like to read fics where the first time is just this wonderful experience with a little bit of pain that is almost nauseatingly romantic and sexy. My first time wasn't like that, and I don't feel like many first times are. Some, maybe, but I feel the little bit of awkwardness is a tad more realistic. Agree, disagree? However, if you read it and didn't think it was awkward and liked it anyway, I'm happy for that too.**

**No flames about my absence, please. Unfortunately—for me, mostly—life gets in the way of my writing and I have to put Edward and Bella on pause. Rest easy though in the fact that I think about what to write next for this story, so you're all not put completely on hold.**

**This update was a bit rushed, so please forgive any and all errors.**

**Reviews make me happy :) And maybe, just maybe, they'll get you a quicker update ;)**


	12. After the Storm

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: You all continue to amaze me, every chapter. The responses I've gotten are overwhelming, and I just can't thank you all enough. To Joan, who keeps checking on me and reminding me I have people out there in Fandom waiting for me. To DreamOfTheEndless, your reviews were wonderful. And to TwilightMom505, thank you so much for the message of support. This chapter is for you lovely ladies.**

**Timeframe of this chapter: Excerpt from Chapter 9**

"_She said you're annoying and that you need to quit listening in on my conversations,"_Alice called and I heard the distinct sound of Jasper's laugh. _"Anyway,"_Alice continued. _"We were wondering if you wanted to come over for dinner? We were supposed to go over to Mom and Dad's but the Great Doctor came down with something and Mom doesn't want him to give it to Makenna. So since we're already dressed and I made boysenberry rhubarb pie, we figured we would invite some company. You down?"_

**The Great Doctor didn't come down with anything, he's in Seattle meeting Edward. They just don't want anyone to know. Makes sense?**

**I haven't been to SeaTac, or Seattle for that matter, in a long while so I'm not sure about accuracy here. Creative license, people.**

**Here we go!**

* * *

**CHAPTER TWELVE- AFTER THE STORM**

_And after the storm, I run and run as the rains come__  
__And I look up, I look up, on my knees and out of luck,__  
__I look up._

_Night has always pushed up day, you must know life to see decay__  
__But I won't rot, I won't rot, Not this mind and not this heart,__  
__I won't rot._

_And I took you by the hand, and we stood tall,__  
__And remembered our own land, what we lived for._

_And there will come a time,__  
__you'll see, with no more tears.__  
__And love will not break your heart,__  
__but dismiss your fears.__  
__Get over your hill and see__  
__what you find there,__  
__With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair._

_And now I cling to what I knew, I saw exactly what was true,__  
__But oh no more.__  
__That's why I hold, that's why I hold with all I have.__  
__That's why I hold._

_And I will die alone, and be left there.__  
__Well I guess I'll just go home, Oh God knows where.__  
__Because death is just so full, and man so small.__  
__Well I'm scared of what's behind, and what's before._

_And there will come a time,__  
__you'll see, with no more tears.__  
__And love will not break your heart,__  
__but dismiss your fears.__  
__Get over your hill and see__  
__what you find there,__  
__With grace in your heart__  
__and flowers in your hair._

_-After the Storm_by Mumford & Sons

**EPOV**

To be quite frank, arriving back in Washington sucked.

Gathering bags from the baggage claim at SeaTac sucked. Touching down on the tarmac sucked. Hell, flying into Washington sucked. I had chosen to sit in the aisle seat so that I wouldn't have to look out the window, but with Charlotte's commentary it wouldn't have mattered if I'd sat in the window seat, taped my face to the window and stuck toothpicks between my eyelids. The torture was just the same.

"Mr. Cullen! Look at that mountain!" _Mount Raineer. Bella had always wanted to climb it; when we were first married, I dreamt up at least a hundred scenarios of going hiking on that mountain with her, each of which consisted of an anniversary and a cozy night in a tent_.

"Mr. Cullen, what's that really tall, pointy looking building thing?" _The space needle. I kissed Bella there for the first time and fuck, it was brilliant._

"Oh, Mr. Cullen! Will you take me on one of those boats?" _The ferry boats. Bella loved those. God, her smile seemed to be ten times as bright when I took her on one. And despite the fact that I was still terrified shitless, I would take her on one again if she asked._

"Mr. Cullen—"

"Charlotte," Peter cut her off. "Enough with the questions."

"It's alright, Peter," I allowed. "She has a right to be curious."

"She isn't annoying you?"

_Slicing my heart open, and torturing me with her completely innocent observations, yes. Annoying me, no._

I smiled reassuringly. "Not at all. Charlotte, how would you like a tour?"

She beamed. "I'd love one!"

"Well, as soon as my dad takes a look at you and fixes you up, I'll give you a tour."

Mentioning my father brought a scowl to her face, one that reflected the scowl I felt inside. I wasn't looking forward to seeing him either, though it was for a reason much more different than hers.

My chest clenched as we stepped off the plane. Before, there had always been someone waiting for me when I got off the plane. I had grown used to the notion that no matter where I went, there was always someone waiting for me when I came back. Today the airport was uncommonly empty, of travelers and of Cullens, reminding me of just how alone I was. I paused as we exited the terminal, tightening my grip on my messenger bag and taking a deep breath. I tried not to let my emotion show, even though I was breaking

I didn't want to trouble Peter or Charlotte.

We stopped at a Starbucks, Peter and I quickly sipping down coffee as we watched Charlotte munch on a slice of pound cake. He had objected at first, of course, but I convinced him with a simple "It's this or that," the _that_ referring to a high-end restaurant down the way. His eyes widened and he shook his head profusely, settling into a chair without much further argument.

Checking into the hotel was difficult as well. He tried to refuse, claiming that he and Charlotte would walk down to a shelter and meet me here in the morning. As if I would actually allow that. I was a little more than appalled at the idea and stared at him, my revulsion showing plainly on my face while the clerk waited to hear how many rooms I wanted. Peter swallowed, uncomfortable, as Charlotte shifted on her feet.

I turned to her. "Charlotte, how'd you like to sleep in your own bed."

She chewed on her lip, looking up at her father hesitantly.

"Charlotte," I reminded her. "I asked you. Not your father."

She hesitated yet again, her top teeth sawing through her bottom lip. Bella used to do the same thing when she had to make a difficult decision. It was so damn...

"Um," she said quietly, her voice shy and uncertain for the first time since I'd met her. "I'd like that a lot, Mr. Cullen."

I nodded, firmly. "Okay, then it's settled. Two rooms, please."

"Will that be all, Mr. Cullen?" the clerk asked entirely too flirtatiously. I ignored her fluttering eyelashes and over-bright smile, grabbing the room keys from the desk and nodding tightly to her.

"Will anyone else be joining you tonight sir?"

The question was entirely too inappropriate, not matter what kind of justification she could have given. I turned away without a response, my body tense and tight with rigid control. I said nothing to Peter and Charlotte as we entered the elevators, clutching my suitcase close to my body. They could sense my sudden mood change but said nothing as we rode up to the ninth floor in silence.

I quickly said good night to them, handing them their room key and allowing them anything they wanted from room service. I knew they wouldn't take it, but I was suddenly not in the mood for arguing and insisting anymore. I turned and entered my room without another word, closing it swiftly behind me. It was rude, and Esme had raised me better, but at the moment I just didn't care.

I dropped my suitcases at the door and moved toward the center of the room, my hands in my hair, yanking at it by the roots. My breath came heavy and fast, panting turning quickly into hyperventilating. I tried to sit on the bed, but I had to get up again. My heart pounded.

I wanted to throw something. To get rid of all the energy that was building up within my chest. Adrenaline was coursing through my veins, an abundance of it that made it hard to sit still. Stripping my clothes, I strode into the bathroom and stepped into a shower that I cranked cold. Bracing my hands against the tile wall, I stood under the spray and let it punish me. It pricked against my skin like needles, made my muscles stiff and my body go numb.

It was enough of a distraction for the time being, because when I emerged from the shower I was somewhat calmer than I had been before. Wrapping a towel around my waist, I walked back into the hotel room and sat on the bed, debating whether I should call Carlisle or not. He told me to call when we arrived so that he could make sure to clear his schedule for Charlotte, but it was going to be the first time I spoke to him while in the same state in three years. He'd know I was here. He would tell Esme. Who would tell Rose at whatever charity function they were at together, who would tell Emmett who would share with Jasper while they were out golfing, who would tell Alice, who would eventually tell Bella.

_God, I hope I'm back in New York by the time she hears._

Part of me wanted to see her, to confirm my hopes that she was suffering as much as I was—I was masochistic that way. But the other part of me, the part that was sick of beating myself up and shouldering all of the blame, wanted to never see her again and hoped that she rotted in hell with the decision she made. The decision not to stick around and fight, to give me a chance, to try and heal with me. Because we were Edward and Bella. We could have conquered anything. We could have worked through it.

Without further thought, I grabbed the phone and punched in my father's cell phone number, holding bated breath as I waited for him to answer.

"Hello?"

_Fuck, that wasn't Carlisle._

"Hello?"

I exhaled. "Um… Esme. Hi."

Her end of the line was eerily silent. I couldn't even hear her breathe. And then, so soft I barely heard it, "Edward?"

"Yes," I breathed. "Is… is Carlisle there?"

"He's in the shower," she responded. "I saw the 425 area code and figured it was the call he'd been waiting for all day…" I could almost hear the cogs in her brain turning and slowly click into place as she settled on a conclusion. "Edward, what are you doing in Seattle?"

"I'll explain it all to you later, I promise. I… can you just tell Carlisle I'm at the Four Seasons and to call me when he gets a chance?"

"Yes," she responded quietly. I gripped the receiver, neither of us speaking but neither one of us willing to break the connection. I swallowed thickly as emotion swelled in my throat. She was my mother in nearly every sense of the word; the only mother I had ever known. Despite the fact that I had majorly fucked up, she was still my mother and I needed her.

I blinked back tears in my eyes and cleared my throat.

"Why haven't you called me, Edward?"

Her question stunned me. "I… I didn't think you wanted me to."

She sighed heavily. "Edward Cullen, you are my son. Why in the _world_would you think that I didn't want you to call me for three years?"

"I thought that everything that had happened between…" _Oh Christ, this was gonna hurt, "_Isabella and I, you didn't want to talk to me. I thought you all hated me."

She sighed again. "Sweetheart, she is like family to all of us, you know that. You did something that hurt her dearly and we needed to be able to comfort her. But you are family also, and you are still my son. I love you unconditionally. That means that whatever mistakes you make, I still love you. You messed up, yes. And I'm still angry with you about it. But that doesn't mean I don't love you or want you to disappear on me for three years."

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

"And then you went and changed your phone number. Do you have _any_idea how worried I was? I nearly came to New York myself to hunt you down and talk some sense into you."

"That wouldn't have been necessary."

Her voice softened. "How was I to know that? I understood that you needed time—we all did. But you didn't have to disappear."

"_Esme, who is that on the phone?"_

She sighed. "Would you like to speak to your father?"

_No. Please don't make me._

"I suppose that would be best."

There was a shuffle and Esme's voice was replaced by Carlisle's. "Edward. How was the flight?"

"It was fine. I have Peter and Charlotte in the room next to me."

"Anything I should be aware of?"

"She said she was feeling lightheaded on the plane. I thought maybe it was just altitude sickness."

"Well that's why I'm the doctor and you're not," he snapped. "With what your friend told me about the vomiting, decreased appetite and increased thirst, she very well may be in renal failure. I need to run some tests to know for sure and to what extent, but we need to move as quickly as possible."

"When do you want me to bring her in?"

"Let her get some sleep. If there is any swelling or she is in any extreme pain or discomfort, take her to Harborview and call me."

He didn't ask me how I was doing, where I'd been or what I'd done in the past three years. Not like I'd expected him to. It would have been nice, but it would have been asking a little too much of Carlisle Cullen. Sure, he could take on pro bono cases left and right to make himself look better to the board of directors and fellow surgeons abroad, but to try and connect with his son was a little bit too much.

_You're not really his son,_a small voice in the back of my head whispered.

I hung up the phone shortly afterward, the cold and awkward goodbye a little bit more than I could handle, with my nerves being as screwy as they were. Standing from the bed, I paced through the room a few more times before just deciding to hell with it and grabbing a bottle of Diazepam from my carry on. I would stick with one pill, for now, but I placed them on my bedside table just in case I would need another later.

I sat on the bed and flipped through the channels on the television. I settled on the news, hoping it would be boring enough to put me to sleep and out of my misery. There was a string of murders in Seattle, not like I needed to be worried because I was going back to New York before the week was over. Some popular restaurant in downtown Seattle was being closed down due to a few too many health code violations, to the astonishment of the population. High school kids weren't passing the SATs. The weatherman predicted overcast, cloudy skies over the next week. Go figure.

Eventually, I was able to drift off, but it wasn't into the deep, quiet sleep I had been hoping for that would distract me from my thoughts.

I tossed and turned all night.

Charlotte's mood on the way to the hospital was the complete opposite of what it had been the day before. The day before she had been vibrant and jumpy, everything typical of a fourteen year old girl. Now, as we sat in the taxi on the way to the hospital, she sat huddled in the seat, her arms wrapped tightly around her as she looked out the window, refusing to talk to anyone.

Normally, any person would have the right to be nervous on the way to see a doctor they'd never met for a reason that was completely unknown to them. But I didn't think she was nervous. The ashen complexion on her face, the way her jaw was clenched and her hands clasped tightly around her arms did not give off the vibe that she was nervous, though it could have been interpreted that way.

What was different was the look in her eyes.

She was in pain.

"Charlotte…" her father tried for the third time.

"I'm fine, Dad," she mumbled. Her face was pale, her knuckles white, betraying her emotions. Whether it was straight pain or fear or a combination of both, she didn't look fine, and it made me hesitant to believe that she was okay.

"Charlotte, you have to tell us if you're in any sort of pain so I can tell my father when we get to the hospital.

She shook her head. "I'm fine!"

I glanced at Peter who looked about as nervous as I felt. However we couldn't push her and risk making her even more uncomfortable, so we drove on in silence to the hospital. When we arrived, she was placed in a wheelchair and wheeled into the emergency room where Carlisle was waiting for us. Turning on the charm he smiled at Peter and knelt down to shake Charlotte's hand.

"Hi Charlotte, I'm Dr. Cullen, I'm going to fix you up and make you better. Why don't you come on back with me while your father fills out the paperwork and we'll have a little chat, okay?"

She glanced over her shoulder at her father, who was taking a clipboard of information and paperwork from a nurse. Carlisle stood up and walked over to him as discretely as possible. "I understand you don't come from the best circumstances, so if you have troubles with the insurance parts of the paperwork just skip over them and I'll deal with the billing department."

He turned back to Charlotte. "Ready?"

She shrugged and dipped her head down when a nurse came to wheel her back through the doors. Carlisle came over to me.

"Anything?"

I stuffed my hands in my pockets. "Well, she hasn't said anything, but her father and I suspect she's in a great deal of pain."

"How long?" he asked, eyes narrowed.

I shrugged. "She won't say anything. She won't talk to either of us."

Without responding Carlisle turned on his heel and hurried through the double doors. Quick to follow, I hurried behind him, stationing myself outside of the examination room.

"Charlotte," Carlisle said, his voice warm but cautious, betraying his calm façade.

He was nervous.

"Edward tells me you're feeling some pain?"

She didn't respond, though I assume she nodded.

"Where are you feeling it?"

"My back," she said quietly.

"Lower back?"

Again, no response.

"Charlotte, did anything unusual happen this morning?"

"Um…"

His voice was gentle and reassuring. "You can tell me, Charlotte. I won't say anything."

"It's just so… so embarrassing!"

"What is, Charlotte?"

"There was… there was blood."

I had to bite on my knuckles to keep from gasping,

"When was there blood?"

"This morning! I went to use the bathroom and… there was blood! I feel so stupid, Doctor Cullen, all this fuss you guys have made about me and I'm only sitting here because I got my period!"

I choked.

"Charlotte have you ever had a menstrual cycle before?"

"No, but we learned about them in school. I always thought I was a… a freak for not having got mine yet. But now I'm even more of a freak because I'm in a hospital because of it!"

"Well, let's not jump to conclusions just yet. I want to run a few tests first, to make sure that it _is_in fact your period, and if it is, we can be thankful that it isn't something more serious!"

I wasn't prepare for him to open the door just then, but when he did I jumped off the wall. "You don't think it's menstruation, do you?"

He scowled at me. "No, I don't. I think she's in advanced stages of renal failure and if she doesn't get herself a kidney soon, I'm afraid she's—"

"Mr. Cullen?" she asked. She'd wheeled up behind my father. "What are you doing here. Did you hear… oh my God, I'm so embarrassed!"

She covered her face with her hands while my father glared at me. "No, Charlotte, he didn't hear anything. Edward was just coming to inform me that he is leaving."

His words were pointed and direct and his eyes told me that if I didn't leave in the next few minutes he was going to have security escort me out. Leaning down, I placed a kiss on Charlotte's forehead. "I'm going to go have lunch with my mom, but you have my number. You'll call me if you need anything?"

She nodded, her face still flushed from embarrassment. Turning, I strode through the doors I'd just come through moments earlier. I explained to Peter that I was leaving to go see my mother, but that Charlotte was in good hands and that my father would be coming to debrief him any time soon. He thanked me again, profusely, but I hurried from the room, afraid I was going to vomit any moment.

His daughter was possibly dying, and I was going to have lunch with my mother.

The thought made me ill.

Regardless, I couldn't go back inside the hospital without causing a scene, so I pulled out my phone and called my mother. She answered on the third ring and agreed to meet me at a quaint bistro that was equidistant from the hospital and her hotel.

I sat at a table with a glass of ice water, waiting for her to come in. My fingers drummed nervously on the tabletop while my knee bounced underneath it. I checked my watch for the third time, knowing that I had been early, and when I glanced up I saw her striding toward me from across the restaurant.

Nervously I stood from the table, but I felt all my anxiety dissipate when she wrapped me in a hug. She smelled like cinnamon and vanilla and _Mom._She hadn't changed much—her hair was a little shorter and she looked like she'd lost a few pounds, but other than that she was still my mother.

"If you ever disappear like that on me again," she murmured into my chest, "I will hit you."

I chuckled and pulled out of her embrace, gesturing toward a chair. "Let's sit down and… talk."

We didn't get into anything important until our food had arrived and we were about halfway through with it. Up until that point we had only talked about shallow things, like what I was doing now, where I was living, why I was in Seattle. However when the salad's finished and you've moved on to the main entrée, conversation always steers into more heavy topics and you find yourself much more wary of what is being asked of you.

"So what have you done with all that money you won from the lawsuit?" she asked, blowing on her pea soup.

I chewed my steak. "Well, most of it is still sitting in my bank account. I had to use some of it to settle some things, but other than that I haven't touched it."

"By settle some things you mean…"

I chugged my wine, buying myself some time. She wasn't going to like what I replied with.

"Paying off Bella's tuition was the main one, um…"

"Edward Anthony Cullen… you paid off her tuition?"

"What was I supposed to do, Mom? She wouldn't accept any alimony that I sent to her and I didn't want her to be drowning in debt because I made her go to school with me."

"Edward it was her choice! She _decided_ to go to school with you, you didn't force her. She's a grown woman, you have to let her take care of herself!"

"But think about it from my point of view. How much of a dou… asshole would I be if I just sent her the bill every month?"

"The asshole that is letting his ex-wife find her own footing and learn to take care of herself instead of keeping her under his thumb."

I was starting to get angry. She was twisting my intentions completely around and again trying to paint me as the bad guy. All I was trying to do was look out for Bella. I knew that starting her life over completely was going to be difficult and I didn't want anything looming over her head. I was being generous, goddammit, not trying to keep her under my control.

"The bank statements were sent to our address in New York, and since she never called to have them forwarded to a new address in Forks I just decided to pay it in one lump sum and get it out of the way."

"But did you ever consider the fact that now she's going to feel like she owes you now?"

I tried to keep my anger to a minimum. "That isn't the point," I bit out. "She doesn't owe me a damn thing."

She rested a hand on my own on the table. "You know how she is, Edward. She's going to insist on paying you back."

"She can try all she wants," I snapped. I took a swig of my wine. "I'm ready to talk about something else now."

Esme sighed. "Are you seeing anyone?"

I choked. "What?" I spluttered. "No!"

She looked down at her food. I felt a sickening twist in my stomach and suddenly my blood went cold. My heart kicked into overdrive. "Is… is Bella…?"

"She's been seeing someone for the past few months, yes."

I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to focus on my breathing. She'd moved on. She was happy with someone else. It was an idea I couldn't fathom, one that my brain refused to wrap around solely because the pain of it was too much to bear.

"And she's… she's happy?"

Esme nodded. "Alice says she is. I haven't seen Bella very much myself recently, but Alice has seen her from time to time and she says she's doing… well."

It contrasted so harshly with how I remembered her, our last meeting being before the judge when we divorced. The look on her face, the tears in her eyes… they cut right through my heart and it was all I had not to jump over the table, pull her into my arms and tell her it wasn't too late, that we could still work it out. But my lawyer had advised me not to show any emotion, that the judge may take sympathy on me and delay the hearing for counseling.

Something I didn't want.

"That's… that's good. I'm happy for her."

My mother looked at me dubiously. "Edward, are you really?"

_No. It hurts. A lot. _

I nodded. "Yeah, she deserves to be happy. If… If I couldn't be that guy then I hope he can."

She smiled, an expression that didn't reach her eyes, and returned to her food.

"How are Alice and Jasper?" I asked, trying to ignore the heaviness in my heart.

"Why don't you ask them yourself?" she asked. Her eyes brightened. "We were going to have dinner tonight but we rescheduled it. Why don't you come and say hello to everyone?"

I shook my head. "I don't think that would be appropriate. I'm not everyone's favorite brother right now and I was planning on heading back to New York as soon as Charlotte recovered. It's just the best way, I think."

"Nonsense," she shook her head. "It's been three years, Edward, quit being melodramatic. Bella won't be there so it's just about us as a family."

_She _is _family._

"Do you not remember Emmett punching me so hard in the face I needed stitches?"

Esme waved it off. "He's always been a hothead. He's calmed down by now. And anyway, he won't cause a scene with the children there."

_Haley and Makenna… my nieces. Jesus Christ they were probably so grown up now._

I shook my head. "I still don't think it's a great idea."

She sighed. "Edward, from what your father told me about this poor girl, she's going to be in the hospital for quite some time. I really want you to come to dinner and try to become a part of the family again."

I snorted.

I had never actually been a part of the family.

I was adopted when I was five from a foster home in upstate New York. Carlisle and Esme had been there for some charity event and while Esme was out shopping she had seen an ad about adopting a child. She had not been able to conceive after Emmett and Alice were born and said that she had always wanted to have more children. Without talking to Carlisle first she had called the agency and set up a meeting that day to get the paperwork started.

She went in, by herself, and started the application process. I think Carlisle has always been angry about that. He didn't want me from the start, hadn't even been consulted about my adoption and I think that's part of the reason he's never gotten along with me. But that's not the point.

The papers went through after she had returned to Washington and she only told Carlisle about her plans for adopting when he asked why she had purchased a ticket back to New York. Naturally he was upset, but she flew over anyway to tour the foster homes.

The story goes that she knew she wanted me from the moment she saw me. I wasn't entirely sure why, whether it was because I was cute or because she had that insanely maternal instinct even from a young age. But she said she was watching me as I played with a puzzle on the floor, separate from all the other kids, that she knew she wanted to be my mother. So Carlisle flew over, signed the papers with her, and I went home with them.

It had been hard to adjust with this huge older kid and this baby girl that seemed to take all of the attention no matter where we went. I just wanted to stay in my room and read and play with my teddy bear—the one my mother had given to me before she died—but I was constantly being forced to play with this older kid Emmett, who was really cool and nice, just loud and boisterous. Esme was kind and gentle, giving me all the time I needed to adjust and get used to my new settings, but even as a four year old Carlisle was harsh and demanding. When Esme bought me a piano after noticing how much I liked the one in the store we passed, Carlisle immediately put me in lessons, forcing me to practice and perfect throughout my teenage years.

School was much more intense. If I brought home anything less than a ninety-five percent, he went apeshit. Even if it was a stupid spelling test. In a fight with Esme once, he had claimed that "he wasn't going to let some child he didn't even want ruin his name by being a no-good screw-up." That it wasn't his fucking idea to bring a cast-off child home, that he was only doing it because she had threatened to divorce him if he didn't but that didn't mean he was going to sit by and watch me fuck up everything he'd worked so hard to build up.

This was when I was six.

I wanted to prove that I was worth it. That bringing me home with them wasn't a bad decision and I wasn't going to fuck things up for him. Through elementary school I worked hard at everything teachers gave me, always having my projects displayed or my artwork entered into some showcase or my essays being stapled on the board. Some kids picked on me for being a teacher's pet, but it was better dealing with that than having to face Carlisle's wrath when I came home.

Middle school wasn't any better. Girls didn't pay a whole lot of attention to me, but it didn't matter because I didn't have the time for them. The material was still fairly easy but teachers gave less of a shit so I had to work twice as hard to get recognized. I answered nearly every question correctly on science tests and always was the first one to volunteer to go to the board and solve equations in math. Carlisle didn't seem to notice when I did anything well, though. The focus was almost always on Emmett or Alice.

High school was a little different. When Emmett got injured and couldn't play football, the spotlight was on me and the pressure to excel was high. Baseball training was brutal. Homework took some kids an hour while it took me four or five—detailing every single little thing, making sure I understood and took note of every small detail. Girls were completely out of the picture, even though they were starting to pay more attention to me at that point.

Carlisle expected the same performance when I went away to college—even with the relationship I had developed with Bella. I worked hard, sometimes even doing Bella's work so as not to risk her failure and degradation from Carlisle. Though he didn't seem to pay much attention anymore—Emmett had already been drafted for the Chicago Bears at that point and Alice was making a name for herself in both ballet and fashion design—I still felt the pressure to excel and succeed.

That's why I moved to New York. To prove to him that I could do it. That I was worthy.

That it would not disgrace him to call me his son.

Despite the fact that it was something Esme had desperately wanted, I didn't think I would ever be accepted as a part of the family. It was easier to just go back to New York and disappear.

Back in my hotel room, I lay on the bed, aimlessly flipping through the television channels. I'd already been to the gym, showered and ordered myself a small salad from the room service menu. I was mindlessly wasting time, I knew that, but it was easier being cooped up in my room than walking around downtown Seattle and being constantly reminded of Bella and the time we'd spent there.

"_Edward, stop it. You're being retarded," she chastised as I paced along the deck of the ferry._

"_You don't understand, Bella. Boats terrify me."_

"_What the fuck for?" she asked around a bite of her corndog._

"_Have you _seen _Titanic?"_

_She snorted. "Edward, they were out in the middle of the Atlantic. We are between two huge masses of land. If for some godforsaken reason this boat was to explode, someone would see and come out here to help us."_

_I'm pretty sure my face had turned green with the mention of the boat exploding. She looked over at me and giggled._

"_Don't worry babe, I'm here to protect you."_

"_Bella, you're five pounds soaking wet. I'm pretty sure you would drown."_

_She quirked an eyebrow at me. "I lived in Florida and Arizona, where it's so hot the only thing you cn do it swim. I'd save you."_

_I rolled my eyes and went to go sit down on the bench. _

"_It helps if you put your head between your knees!" she called._

_I flipped her the bird._

_I hadn't realized she had come up next to me because I was started when she whispered in my ear, "Or would you rather I did that for you?"_

_I coughed. "We're in a public place, Isabella. I don't want to get arrested for lewd behavior."_

_Again with the giggle. "Come on, it doesn't turn you on? Not even a little?"_

"_No," I snapped. "Not when I'm afraid of dying."_

_Her giggle turned to full-on laughter as she wrapped her arms around me. The boat jolted and I jumped in her arms but that only caused her to laugh harder. "Relax, babe. We just pulled up to the dock."_

_I grabbed her hand and hauled ass off that boat. She laughed at me the whole way, which I let her do considered I laughed at her frequently. I pretended to act pissed, but I really enjoyed the sound of her laughter. It was cute and high-pitched without being obnoxious or too loud. It was perfect._

_Just like she was._

_We weren't too far from downtown Seattle so we just walked up and down the streets, looking inside little art shops, stopping to pay homage to the musicians trying to make a buck on the street and buying little trinkets from street vendors. I had planned to take her to a nice quiet restaurant, but she preferred eating from the stands on the sides of the street and she literally ate something from every single one. Sometimes she only got a soda, while other times she would buy nachos or a hot dog or turkey legs._

"_I don't know how you're not four hundred pounds," I muttered as I handed a guy a five dollar bill for a cherry Italian ice._

"_It's the birth control," she whined. "It makes me _so _hungry."_

"_You're just a pig," I teased, to which she responded by sticking her tongue out._

_I wrapped an arm around her waist and continued to guide her around downtown Seattle. She'd been there a few times since arriving from Arizona—I'd taken her once because she said she wanted to see the Space Needle—but there were some parts that she still hadn't seen that I wanted to show her. We stopped by a book store that housed Native American literature that I thought she'd enjoy and I bought her a book about vampire and werewolf legends in the Quileute culture._

_Don't know why she found that fascinating, but I bought it to make her happy._

_It had gotten dark by the time we stepped back onto the ferry to head back. I wrapped my arms around her waist and nuzzled her neck, placing a light kiss there. Part of it was because I was feeling cuddly and affectionate, the other part because if I was going to drown, at least she could swim and save me. That and it was easier when I didn't have to look at the water. _

"_Thanks for bringing me, today. I had fun."_

_I chuckled against her neck. My sweet girl. "You're welcome."_

"_Do you think one day we can come back? Do this same thing in like, ten years?"_

"_Of course we can. We live three hours away, not across the world. I'll bring you any time you want."_

"_I just meant that… it would be fun in the future." Her voice softened. "If maybe we brought our children here one day. Showed them all the places we went when we were young."_

_I turned her head toward me with my finer and placed a kiss on her lips. "Of course we can, love."_

_She turned around and pressed her face into my chest and I buried my nose in her hair, placing soft kisses on the top of her head every so often. I cradled her against me, enjoying the intimate moment before the ferry rocked violently to one side. _

"_Bella what the fuck was that?" I whimpered into her hair. _

_She laughed. "Just a wave, probably."_

"_What do you mean, probably? What if it's the Lochness Monster?"_

"_Now you're just being stupid. You know there is no such thing."_

"_Yes there is," I protested weakly._

_She responded by merely tightening her hold around my waist, squeezing in reassurance._

My thoughts were interrupted by the shrill ringing of the telephone. Thinking it was Peter calling me with an update, I reached over and snatched the receiver off the cradle.

"Hello?"

The voice on the other end of the line made my breath catch.

"Edward? It's Alice."

I didn't respond.

"Edward?"

"Hi, Alice, sorry," I responded, clearing my throat.

"Mom said you're in Seattle?"

"Yeah, a friend of mine is having surgery."

She hummed. "I hope nothing's wrong."

"Dad's trying to figure it out now."

There was an awkward silence on the other end of the line, and not knowing how to respond I remained silent as well. I played with a loose string on my shirt.

"Mom said she invited you to dinner."

"Yeah," I responded.

"And you said no?"

"Um, that's correct."

"Why?"

I didn't know how to answer. "I just… I don't think it's a good idea."

"Why not?"

"Well, we didn't really part on good terms. And I'm sure you're all angry with me right now, and I just think it's best if—"

"I've missed you."

I squeezed my eyes shut.

"A lot."

"I've missed you too, Alice, but—"

"You're my brother. And I want you to come home." She sniffed. "I want you to meet my daughter."

She was making it so hard to refuse.

"I know things didn't work out with you and Bella, but that doesn't mean things don't have to work out with your family too."

"Alice, you were all so angry with me. I don't want to stir anything up again."

"I'm not angry. Jasper isn't either."

"But Emmett and Rosalie…"

"Emmett misses you. He's protective of Bella, but he still misses you. You're our brother, Edward."

"Not technically," I mumbled.

"What does that mean?"

"I just… I think it's better for everyone. Carlisle doesn't have to worry about dealing with me, I won't hurt Bella by coming back—"

"Edward, is that about you being adopted?"

"I…"

"You know that hasn't ever mattered to any of us. Dad, maybe, but he's fucked up in the head, we've always known that. Emmett and I, we still love you and you know that. You've always been my brother."

I pinched the bridge of my nose between my fingers.

"Please, Edward. Just dinner. You can go back to New York if you want to afterward, if that's what will make you happy. Just come home."

I took a deep breath, mustering my courage. I knew better—I knew what was waiting for me when I went back to Forks. If it was hard being in Seattle, it was going to be infinitely harder going back to my hometown. But she wanted to see me… my sister wanted to see me. I realized in that moment how much I had missed her, how much being away from everyone had affected me, and so with a weak voice and heavy heart, I responded with the one word that would surely come back to ruin me.

"Okay."

* * *

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: Alright, so now to get the ball rolling. We all know how Alice likes to meddle…**

**Yes, Bella was on birth control. She stopped taking it when they moved to NY. Simple as dat.**

**So I wanted to provide a little summation and explanation since this chapter was so long (and so late) so you can understand the Edward I'm trying to portray a little better.**

**In summary, this chapter was intended to show how Edward has been constantly portrayed as the bad guy by everyone… every move he has made has been construed by Bella and her family in the wrong way (paying for her tuition being the prime example). While he is merely trying to take care of her because he still loves her, everyone else thinks that he is trying to control her and keep her under his thumb. I want to strongly emphasize that this is NOT his intention. At all.**

**In the beginning of the story, Edward is portrayed as a super controlling person (which if you thought that, that's what I intended. Edward was supposed to look like the bad guy in the beginning). I'm not saying that some of the decisions he made weren't bad… of course cheating is bad, it's a terrible, horrible betrayal of trust. But I don't want to focus on that right now. Right now I want to focus on some of the long-term causes of the unhappiness in their marriage—the emotional conflicts, the distance, the separation and the gradual decay of their marriage. The cheating, as far as I'm concerned, was a short-term cause because as you remember, it was when Bella confirmed his infidelity that she finally filed for divorce. I want to focus on the things that built up to that: one being the lack of communication, which some of you guessed correctly was the main problem. The lack of communication filters over into how wrong they were about each other's characters, and how wrong some of you were as well.**

**What Edward did was horrible and I want to make it clear that I do not, in any way shape or form, support infidelity. But I want to make it clear that it takes two to tango. This was not a one-way avenue for the two of them. Edward did not cheat on Bella when they were first married and living together. He did not cheat on her because he was bored of her or because he found someone else more attractive, as is common nowadays. It was only after she had distanced herself that he acted the way he did and sought comfort elsewhere. Remember when Bella slept with James? Some of you say that this is not comparable… well, it is. Bella gave in to James because she needed the comfort. She needed reassurance. Edward was doing the same thing. And if you read closely, you'll remember how he stayed away from the bar after the first time it happened because **_**he realized it was wrong. **_**I just never spelled that out in a flashback (which if some readers feel is necessary, I can include). Here are a few excerpts to prove my point:**

"I had fucked up. I should have come home and slept in bed with my wife instead of seeking comfort in another woman's arms" – Chapter Three

"Alice, I've really, really fucked up." – Chapter Four

**Bella had some wrong ideas too… she thought that Edward was being controlling and domineering, when it was only his way of trying to take care of her and protect her (okay, and maybe he was wrong in going about it the way that he did, but the whole point of **_**THIS **_**story is to show their growth as characters and human beings by realizing the mistakes they had made). Some of you are going to argue with me on this, I know it, but Edward and Bella are portrayed differently through each other's eyes because that's how it is in real life… we always see someone differently than how they see themselves, and when you don't communicate your intentions or what is making you unhappy then there is conflict, and unfortunately for Edward and Bella this conflict ruined their love for each other.**

**For those of you who were promised an HEA (and for those of you that didn't pick up on it), THAT IS STILL COMING. I myself believe in forgiveness and if you don't agree then I apologize and this story isn't for you. The road to it is going to be long and painful, but I fully intend for Bella and Edward to be happy again. You just have to be willing to stick with me.**

**Okay, now that that rant is over… hopefully it makes a little bit more sense now why Edward had to try so hard to prove himself? A little bit? There is still a lot more explanation to come when there is an actual confrontation.**

**I tried to get this out as quickly as possible, so forgive any errors. I know how late I am in updating and I am so, so very sorry. I'll try and get another chapter out soon.**

**One last thing, I'm working on a new story, _Non Innocentem. _Check that one out, if you will. I'm desperate for feedback as I'm nervous about some of the content.**

**Kisses.**


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